|
|
In general I regard all attention whores in the media as little more than vacuous overflowing propaganda receptacles, leaving their refuse on the ground as more and more useless information piles on top of and slips off. These new media types, in my opinion, they all want attention, they want people big and small talking about them, spreading news of artificial and manufactured (IE: made-up) ‘controversy’ that really exists only because they know it’s a buzzword and gets people’s attention. People like Ann Coulter, or Mike Moore. They only want to capitalize and profit by hijacking people’s fears and pretenses and preaching to the already converted for book deals and a quick few bucks before dropping off the media radar like a shooting star, laughing their way to the bank. They claim to speak for us, they don’t. They speak for their corporate backers and their wallets and will say anything, no matter how stupid or crazy it is, to get that spotlight shined upon them for a few more precious seconds.
So, in general, my policy is to not waste effort saying my opinion of their opinions because in the grand scheme of things people like that do not matter, they come and go or persist only in the most slanted ideological soapboxes that will allow them to spill more of their garbage to a gradually diminishing audience. Essentially you’re arguing with a puppet, a loose configuration of rhetoric given corporal form. A shambling horrible media zombie, relentlessly craving ratings. They want to offend you, and grab your attention, so I think it’s a good idea to ignore them and I wish more people would realize this and do the same. Of course, there are exceptions for extra persistent and or insidious ones, and for that I offer these few choice words towards the individual that compelled me to write this article. Mr. Glenn Beck.
Now, Beck is known for saying racist, ignorant, and retarded political statements pretty much on a daily basis. He’s also known for holding huge corporate-sponsored and funded rallies to further establish himself as the center of a ‘movement’ that has been artificially constructed to feed Fox New’s narrative of widespread political dissent towards the evil Demoncrats and their obvious facio-socialist agenda to take over our lives. Hell, he even came close to offending me when he pretended to cry and be afraid for America, because it was such an obvious act and people still bought it. This is not what managed to actually offend me, as, like I said, I’m fairly numb and indifferent to obvious liars only out to make a quick buck. What got me was a simple statement, stated rather emphatically:
Two plus two equals four!
Click to continue reading “Televangelist”
Go straight to Post
Popularity: 1% [?]
The following conversation occured at exactly 6am, bear in mind this late at night and this tired, well… we get a little retarded.
Mister Repose
this
is
what
i
would
do
with
the
united
states
defense
budget
wardenwells
lol wut
Mister Repose
sharks
with muthafuckin lasers
on thier heads
wardenwells
how do they shoot them, or are they on all the time?
Click to continue reading “Sharks With Lasers on Their Heads”
Go straight to Post
Popularity: 3% [?]
Pioneered primarily by EverQuest way back in 1999, the MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game) market skyrocketed to unprecedented heights of popularity with the release and gradual fine-tuning of World of Warcraft, but after many years of WoW’s design system dominating the genre… well, the ‘tried and true’ has become the ‘been there, done that’. Far from being one to criticize the depth, variety or user friendliness of the game, I’ve also noticed that WoW is a dangerous mold in which far too many other developers put their faith and expect to achieve similar results. On the contrary, the results are endlessly bland copycats that hope to dethrone Blizzard’s long running cash cow and fail on every level.
Let’s be honest, competition is only a good thing if the challenger offers and encourages innovation, NOT the same basic game skeleton with far less going for it in terms of lore, attitude, and charm. We can use a lot of games for this example, but we’ll pick a random title from the hat of randomness.
Cabal Online is a poorly executed MMO in the style of WoW, but it doesn’t have the marketability or variety to compete. In addition, it’s a F2P (Free to Play) title with minimal GM interaction; in fact, when starting in the opening area of the game, player chat is virtually impossible to distinguish from the epileptic flood of gold spammers. When you actually get into combat, you’ll feel like maybe those gold spammers you left behind were the best part of this travesty. Clunky, colorless, and uncoordinated is no way to go through life, Cabal Online.
Aion is probably a fairer comparison, since the game includes a subscription fee and at the very least, GM’s who monitor spam (if not their own sadistic behavior). The graphics are amazing too. However, as I played I saw too many similarities to WoW than made me comfortable, leading me to believe that it too was another level grind that was dependent on time spent and gear earned, and little in the way of actual skill. Where WoW succeeds in using this formula to attract the casual gamer, Aion abused it and early super-geared players were practically gods in the PVP zones (ie: most of the game maps). Click this icon, watch a fight animation take place, fall asleep, repeat. Insult to injury was added when NCSoft totally fucked up the game’s faction balance around the same time as the new patch was released, enraging many players to the point where they no longer play this beautiful, gold coated, diamond encrusted piece of crap (Hi Mr. Repose!). Golf clap.
But wait, there’s good news. Flash forward to 4th quarter 2010 – early next year, when a game that claims to be changing a lot of what makes MMO’s so dull, is being released at last. A long time in the making, Guild Wars 2 is set to change how we view the traditional MMO in very certain terms that the developers have been more than happy to talk to the public about (not always a common happening). In various interviews and developer logs, the makers of GW2 have already unveiled more innovations per article than most MMO’s have bothered to consider since 2004. What does this mean for the finished product? Well the great thing about MMO’s that initially deliver on the hype is that, with their funding taken care of for the foreseeable future, any ideas that could not be implemented due to time constraints will follow along shortly after release in the form of patches. Even if GW2 fails to make good on every single last little promise, it won’t spell doom for them as it would a lesser company’s hard work. ArenaNet, the creators of the original Guild Wars (which is still updating its content and holiday events to this day), have always put 110% effort into their projects, and even if I personally thought the first game had a few major functionality issues (ie: no jump button? On-rails mountain paths that you can’t fall off of? What happened to gravity?), it still remains a solid game that can be played without a monthly fee.
And what does that mean, boys and girls?
Click to continue reading “Guild Wars 2 set to reinvent MMORPGS.”
Go straight to Post
Popularity: 6% [?]
Over the course of my life I’m made a few mistakes, who hasn’t? The particulars aren’t terribly exciting, and frankly bore me to explain them. Think the typical boy-meets-girl realizes girl is fucking insane and leaves girl (or gets left by said girl) fare. Afterward you kinda feel like the world is over if you’re the one on the other end. It reminds me of a line from a video game, Max Payne. ‘There are only personal apocalypses, and nothing is a cliche when it’s happening to you.’ Oh how true those words are. In all truth, in all these cases it’s my own fault for simply not seeing it coming.
Recently actually the ball started rolling early for once. In other words, I saw the breakup coming like a freight train.
Jeen-o been-o wrote something on her personal blog over on Open Diary (oh how I thought I’d never go back to that place again) speculating about why relationships fail, I then posted the subsequent reply:
“I think in relationships, especially long ones, people tend to believe that they love someone when in fact they only love certain aspects of their personality and so in a very passive-aggressive way try to bend them towards their will. Which leads to friction, which leads to arguing, which if not confronted leads to either a kind of bitter acceptance or total failure of said relationship. Of course that’s just my particular experience on the subject, it also may have something to do with some people being inherently cowardly or unwilling to assert their own will and so succumbs to a sort of domination by the other party.”
I have moments, between my weirdness and internal chatter where thoughts like that just bubble up out of nowhere and hit me like a truck. These moments only seem to come for me when I’m extremely tired. For years I used to intentionally stay up late hoping to be able to calm my defective ADD brain to the point where I could actually produce focused thoughts.
Click to continue reading “‘No Hero’”
Go straight to Post
Popularity: 6% [?]
Bangoria… a land torn by strife and war. Upon it’s shattered planes and rocky mountaintops the fires of battle burn like a bloody candlelight vigil for all the warriors who have fallen in the conflicts that sweep this ever changing land. Warriors, mercinaries, assassins and even more unsavory types constantly sell their blades and sometimes their very souls to the highest bidder all in the name of profit and a chance at spoils. Yet many also hope to change this world, make a difference for good but those guys are total pussies and we’re not going to talk about them. Nay, we shall talk only of the legendary man and women who grace this theater of death. Fir though the most well-known ones shall be revealed.
The most deadly and legendary warrior that roves this land is the mighty…. BEARMASTER.
The BEARMASTER skates into battle, on roller blades forged in the darkest mountain and infused with the blood of two liches, a red dragon, and a werebear. The skates, as he rolls across the land, leave a perpetual bloody streak on the ground, to signify that the BEARMASTER has been there. His weapons are two bears, that are attached to whips. The bears are named Cuddles and Fuzzywuzzy. In battle the BEARMASTER skates doing flips and turns while wiping his mighty whip bears into foes, causing them to suffer an instant mauling.
The BEARMASTER is a mysterious force, for he never seems to have any motive to these mauling attacks. His glorious tanned body and loincloth (woven from the hair of powerful swamp hags that he killed because they were ugly) forming a blur of flesh toned death as he buzz saws his way across the various battlefields. His long uncut blonde hair wafting dramatically in the wind as his bears maul his foes. Their blood splattering on his perfect white teeth that glisten brightly as he smiles enjoying the sheer carnage of war. His loincloth bulging with a possible erection, he is truly at home on the battlefield.
Click to continue reading “Bangoria Tour Guide – The BEARMASTER”
Go straight to Post
Popularity: 9% [?]
Sometimes a combo product can be useful, like, say the swiss army knife. Other times, combining two things together can only lead to great accident potential. Factor in the chance that stupid people are going to buy said products and pretty soon you’re bound to get someone fucking hurt.
With that being said the device I’m talking about it very unassuming in it’s retarded design. It’s a combination flashlight/mace can.
Well how can that be stupid you ask?
Simple, when say, your mother hands you hers and asks you to look in her house under the couches for something she dropped when you’re over and hands you a flashlight. You think to yourself, hmm, well I don’t see anything with this flashlight. Guess I’ll just turn it off! That doesn’t sound so dangerous right? Well how about when your mother fails to mention that the bottom half of the flashlight is actually a can of fucking MACE and that button isn’t the off switch but rather the mace dispenser? Yeah, I got maced today.
It was super pleasant, see, I had the hole where it comes out of angled just right so that when I pressed it…. it shot right up my fucking nose. Now, I’ve never been maced before so I didn’t know how much it truly sucked. It felt like someone had taken concentrated habenro extract and poured it right inside my sinus cavities. The burning was so intense that I felt like a black man at a Klan rally in the 30s. Seriously, it burned so bad and the best part was I inhaled some of it into my lungs causing me to go into a fitful coughing spree all the while sneezing constantly from the delicious peppery goodness burning inside my nose like I just snorted the contents of an active volcano.
I don’t know who designed this damn flashlight, but they must have hated humanity. I’ve seen other combo/mace flashlights but most of them didn’t think to make it so integrated you couldn’t tell the difference. What good would those two be anyway? Oh gee the power’s out, let me get the flashlight and turn it — AHHHH MY FUCKING EYES!!!! Crash bang boom, assorted household objects and personal injuries sustained. Just brilliant.
… and my nose still burns.
Go straight to Post
Popularity: 14% [?]
It would appear that as a result of NP’s frequently submitted video game-related articles, the site has drawn the attention of gamers around the world, to which we say “Big deal”, but even we were shocked recently to be contacted by a man decked out in stylish fashions who may or may not have claimed to work for NCSoft, makers of hugely successful games like Guild Wars, Lineage, and Aion. Seriously, I’m not making this up. To prove it, here’s an interview!
Warden Wells: Hi, and welcome to Nonpersons. So Mr. Repose tells me that you refuse to leave until you are satisfied that your message is appropriately conveyed to fans, claiming you may or may not work for NCSoft.
 Ayep. That’s right. I work for NCSoft, pubrisha of a-huge games you rikey pray. We all super cool.
WW: Okay. Well I have to admit, I always wondered if we could get a game developer on the site for a Q&A, but NCSoft? That’s pretty amazing. So I guess I better get with the Q.
Ayep. I didn’t come here for yo goddamn shit. You waste enough time and space making huge brack bar on my Asian face. Rookit all dat waste of brack. Pitiful.
WW: Sure. So what’s your favorite game?
Well, you probably not know about Koreans since you just dumb American retard pray Madden games all day, but we have game called Starcraft, very new wave. Hip unrike your shirt. Pray onrine all day, score super hot babies. Yeaaaah!
WW: I know about Starcraft. It’s outdated and not very fun if you ask me.
You could-a get seriourousry kirred in my country for talking so much nonsensy shit, Warden a-Whitewells. Starcraft best game ever. Kim Jong Il invent dat like toaster, internet porn, and chibi. Do not upset grorious reader!
WW: Let’s talk about NCSoft’s games, and the ideal of Korean game developers in general. What’s the difference between your games and those of Japan and the more western countries?
JAPAN?? Japan don’t know goddamn shit about games, too busy stuffing octopus in womb to pay special attention to most powerful game erement of rife.
WW: So what is the secret of Korean game development then? Note: POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD!
Click to continue reading “Grind Wars – Secrets of Korean Game Developers Revealed!”
Go straight to Post
Popularity: 15% [?]
Over the course of the last month several things have been going on in rapid succession that have, in many ways left me scrambled, confused and otherwise ducking for mental cover. Primarily when events spiral out of control I find that writing is the only way to be able to sit down, structure them, and put them in a logical order so that I can understand them. Keep in mind that I have ADD, and being a stubborn bastard I refuse to seek medication or to seek other forms of release, such as therapy. I do this mostly because, well, I feel that ADD is part of who I am, and therefore, being a logical and reasonable person I should be able to adjust or work around it without it destroying my life in the process. The thing about me is that, well, I want to solve my own problems, in my own way.
There are many many article ideas for me right now, and a few that are sitting on the backburner. They will be done, I’m sure, just not sure when exactly. When my mind is focused on too many problems at once it’s difficult for me to be able to process it all. Like, for example, people who may be speaking to me and saying something I find repulsive or terrible won’t realize it right away because I’m still processing it, and when I finally come to a conclusion it shocks them that it was the opposite of whatever it was they thought I was in agreement with. I take my sweet time to consider things and then when I feel I’ve thought of every possible angle, then the decision comes.
This month I almost was fired from my job. You see, what happened was this, at some point during the week I was asked to take the bank deposit for the store, this is a fairly normal operation and usually the bank bag is placed on the counter. In this case, on this day, for whatever reason, after I signed the bank form … I left it on the counter. You see I had other things that they had given me to do as well, and in the process of trying to handle my other duties, I forgot that one. No big deal right? Just swing back and grab the bag I thought.
Well it was gone. Someone stole it.
So yeah, I signed the bank form so guess who nearly hanged for that one? Yours truly.
Click to continue reading “ADD Block”
Go straight to Post
Popularity: 10% [?]
So if you’ve been on the internet for more than 60 minutes, you’ve already witnessed what are arguably the most hilariously exploitative, dishonest, and just plain bad “free online game” advertisements in history. IN HISTORY. I dare you to find something more pitiful and repugnant than the misleading boobs-a-poppin’ flash/banner ads for Evony, a game that’s making its money off of horny retards and fans of the Civilization games who may or may not know that they’re playing a clone of it……. and that, despite the promises of Evony’s snake oil peddling advert department, is completely lacking in anything racy or even slightly arousing, or even slightly original.
Like most people, I saw the ads and laughed them off in hopes they would go away, but at first glance it’s pretty difficult not to notice a chasm of massive, yawning cleavage threatening to claim your last iota of attention as you’re checking your email.
 Don't fall in. Don’t worry though, Evony’s degrading ad campaign wasn’t just the willy nilly scheming of a random mail room scamp, it took a lot of effort to photoshop girls from low budget pornos into these things. True story; at least one ad had images ripped directly from the cover of “Girls Playing with Girls 102″ (thanks to John Kershaw of Negative Gamer for this highly amusing and disgraceful information):
 
Great job, Evony. You have lured countless stupid people to a boring game by pandering to their most primal of desires. It’s not like no accomplished this lazy tactic with some success in the past, but a lot of that happened in the 90′s and the games were actually kind of fun. This game is a portal to your wallet guarded by a chick in her underwear.
That’s right, not only are there no hot bods in Evony (previously named Civony – the Civilization Ripoff), but they practically harass you into paying for in-game premiums and advantages over the other bored retards, using real cash. So I have to laugh at people who spend hundreds of dollars on something they didn’t even want to begin with, all because of their genitals and their inability to log off once they’ve gone through the arduous task of making a name and password for yet another site.
Congratulations, internet. You’ve outdone yourself.
- Wells
Go straight to Post
Popularity: 16% [?]
Page 1 of 1112345»10...Last »
|
|
