Rocker 69 woke up to the sound of his alarm blasting the tune to Capitan Atom’s Lament, a little animatronic Capitan Atom saluted and yelled “Hail The Dark Lord.” He sat up in his custom skull-shaped bed and grabbed a guitar from the floor. He then proceeded to smash the alarm clock to pieces with it, then carelessly tossed the guitar into a pile in the corner of the room that contained laundry and discarded pop rocks packets. “The Dark Lord demands that I feed!” Rocker 69 braced himself against the bed with his right hand, dizziness overtaking him for a moment. How long have I been asleep, he wondered. Must have been another diabetic coma, Rocker 69 reasoned. He tried to re-set his Mohawk as it was sitting crooked on his head, by eyeballing it in the mirrors that surrounded the room. “Bah!”
He fidgeted around the night stand for a second, brushing the Capitan Atom alarm clock on the floor unto a small pile of broken ones. Pay dirt, a few sugar tubez and a bag of kool-punch. He poured the sugar tubez into the kool-punch and then shotgunned the whole thing in one gulp. The red colored fluid dribbled down his chin and onto his black pajamas. “Yes sweet sugar, flow down my throat and nourish me in the master’s name! Graggghhhhhh….” He cleared his throat and stumbled out of bed.
His voice was less harsh sounding now. “Where’s Rock Whore? I usually wake up to her humping me.” He walked to his closest and put on his outfit, a cultists coat and black pants with snake-skin boots. Well, Imitation snake skin boots. Since most snakes were completely wiped out along with the earth. He drunkenly stumbled down the hallway towards the command deck, empty. The command deck itself, empty. The cafeteria, empty. Hanger, empty. Concert hall, empty. Engine room, empty. Candy bar break. Ah… he looked up. Outside the ship. He went back to the hanger and got into his vessel.
* * *
The storm troops of Rockbring blew open the hanger doors and deployed themselves within. A force generator locked into a place at the edges of the opening and kept the air inside from being sucked into the vacuum of space. They were holding what looked like synthesizer guitars and wearing black suits with orange cylindrical hats that were tiered and created a kind of step-cone effect. In other words they looked like total idiots.
They quickly surrounded Dudelicious’ mech. Dudelicious held his fire, “hey what’s with you crazy cats comin in here and ruinin all my action with your stupid-lookin party hats on?” Their commander, wearing a pink jumpsuit and sporting pigtails instead of a helmet yelled into a headset attached to her ear. “Capitan we have encountered the target, permission to extract!” Pause. “Okay got it.”
She yelled at the mech, “am I speaking to the one known as Dudelicious?”
The front opened up and Dudelicious stepped out.
* * *
Rocker 69 pressed his wrist communicator, patching himself through to Rockbring. “Hey what’s goin on man?”
Rockbring opened the com-channel into his ship, he was clearly annoyed. “Oh nothing, we’re only doing the damn operation you planned weeks ago according to your future sight!”
“Oh, well sorry… I was uh, meditating in hypersleep.”
“Oh really? Is that what you call chugging a two-liter bottle of root-beer infused with five packets of pop rocks, screaming ‘I give this offering to you my dark lord’ then passing out on stage with foamy bubbles leaking out your nose?”
“Uh… yes. Yes that’s exactly how I go into hypersleep. Are you questioning my powers?!” He wiggled his fingers in some vain attempt at being intimidating.
Rockbring sighed, “I’m not questioning your powers. I’m questioning your behavior…. whatever. Just, meet me in the hanger. We’re done here anyway.”
“Roger that, HAIL MY DARK MASTER!”
Rockbring rolled his eyes, just then on his ship a v-com message came through, it was Major Slutstra “Sir…”
* * *
Dudelicious eyeballed the commander in electric pink. He tapped his shades to x-ray view. Tightie whities for the boys, but the commander wasn’t wearing any, niiiice. “Hey babe, sorry but I got myself a chick right now. Now what do ya want?” He combed his hair back, and the sexy nurse jumped down from the top of the mech and leaned against him.
One of the lackeys stepped forward, “enough of this, just grab him an…” The nurse kicked the guitar gun out of his hand, grabbed it in mid air, and then smashed him over the head with it.
Dudelicious eye-balled the crowd. “Anyone else wanna try to touch this? My chick here don’t like anyone who isn’t sexy comin near the Licious. Capiche?”
Slutstra lowered her weapon. “Listen, we’re here for you. We’ve been fighting them for quite some time and our leader seems to think you’re the last thing he needs to complete his band. Will you join us?”
Dudelicious ran the comb through his hair again. “Whoa, last time I checked friends don’t come to visit packing.”
Slutstra made a circular hand gesture, the men lowered their weapons.
“That’s betta, now listen here doll and listen reallllll close-like ya dig? I ain’t the type of cat to join nobodies band. I do my own thing, solo like. Just me, my main squeeze and lots of unexplored space.”
Slutstra looked at him for a second, then said the magic word. “Um… please?”
“Well-hell, now that you asked all polite like I’m willin to reconsider. ‘Sides if this leader cat of yours has more sexy crewmates like you then maybe I’ll like this gig.”
The sexy nurse eyeballed her and then whispered into Dudelicious’ ear “Do want.”
“My chick likes your style too, so it’s a deal. So, are we takin my ship or yours?” He raised his shades, hinting oh so subtly.
* * *
Rock Whore tuned her guitar, her insatiable libido only satiated by the sweet wailing that the guitar could produce. When she was jamming out she could think with clarity, it was the only thing that could save her from the curse put open her in hyperspace. Admittedly she was always kinda a whore, easy doesn’t even begin to cover it. Still when she was a whore she was one on her own terms, now it’s like an addiction and she was merely compelled to do it.
It’s also how she developed her amazing skill on the guitar, the sound her axe was enough to halt the effects of the curse and so she spent hours day in and out practicing just to have a moment’s piece.
She looked out the domed roof of her ship, bowed her head and began to wail on her cosmic guitar, one of the great old weapons of the prophecy. The amp ships began to shake violently, and then several pulses of energy and sound slowly began to crush the imperial ship, with one last high note the whole ship imploded and then was gone. Rock Whore held the note for a few seconds longer then put down the guitar.
She was horny again, of her own volition for now.
* * *
Back on Rockbring’s deployment docks. Major Slutstra’s ship finally docked after circling the ship for fifteen minutes. Dudelcious, the sexy nurse who calls herself Kiki, and Slutstra stumbled off the craft.
Before them the three members of the greatest rock cover-band in the the cosmos stood, well, two members… Rock Whore had already began to make out with Sexy Nurse Kiki. Rocker 69 seemed to be vibrating from a sugar induced high, Rockbring face palmed. This was the face is Starship Rock 69 and a 1/2.
When Rockbring looked up he was almost blinded, the rock aura of Dudelicious was like staring into ten suns. His rock aura was feeding off the band’s. Together, he realized, Starship Rock and Dudelicious would be the greatest force of music in the cosmos.
“Greetings Dudelicious, I see you’ve already met my left-hand woman.” He gestured to Major Slutstra, “as well as my right.” He once again gestured, this time to Rock Whore, who at this point had dragged Kiki to the floor and was motorboating her breasts. Dudelicious said “um, should we stop them?”
Rockbring looked down at them writhing on the floor, “who’d want to?”
Dudelicious laughed, “You’re alright man. So… I hear from your left-hand girl that you’re looking for me to complete your band?”
Rocker 69 burst in, “it took me years to get into this band. The amount of sexually depraved things I did for delicious candy….”
Rockbring interrupted. “Rocker! Stand down, we need a base player!”
Rocker kept going undaunted, “… and to think this flashy guy can just be sought out isn’t fair to the work we’ve put into this band! He doesn’t deserve to join!” He chugged a two-liter of soda as though it were cheap booze.
“I can smell that caffeine on your breath, and anyway Rocker, need I remind you that it was your power that allowed us to know where to look for him to begin with? If you were opposed to it then why didn’t you say something before we went over budget to break him off that ship in the firs…”
This time Dudelicious interrupted. “Actually I didn’t really need anyone to help me bust outta that cracker box of a ship. What kinda mooks are youse guys useta dealin with who stack all their shawg right in hanger where anyone can just grab it?”
“As I was saying. Rocker, this whole thing was your idea to begin with.”
Rocker burped, then spat up some soda bubbles. “Oh yeah, it was wasn’t it.” He scratched his head. “Sorry Dudelicious, the candy makes me awfully forgetful at times. I’ve been on a wicked bender the past few weeks. The dark lord has not talked to me in some times.”
Dudelicious stared at Rockbring and mouthed ‘the dark lord?’
Rockbring gestured away from Rocker and whispered “He worships the dark god of candy, claims he lives in the candiopolis in the 5th dimension. Gives him insights into the future when he huffs sugar tubez. He can’t seem to figure out who the dark god is so he’s constantly hailing Satan, Cthulhu, gorgons, and … sometimes tacos.”
Dudelicious thought that over for a second and decided it’s no more strange than anything else he’s seen today and figured he’d just run with it. “Whateva you says man.”
“Anyway, Dudelicious. You have a pure rock soul, I can sense it. Knowing that I feel comfortable in extending to you the offer to join Starship Rock 69 and a ½ as our bassist, and allow you to use the Cosmic Bass Guitar of Justice, one of the four sacred power instruments.”
“Listen man, I dunna about all this noise yet. I can’t jus’ go ’round agreein’ ta join someone else’s posse all sudden like, youse gonna havta give me some more time and a lil bit more info-mation ya dig?”
“Time I cannot give you, you’ll have to make your own. I can; however, give you information. Come, this way.” Rockbring gestured towards the hallway leading to the command deck. “Rock Whore, get your fine sexy self off that poor woman and bring her alone. You two Rocker ….” Rocker was passed out on the floor with chocolate leaking out his ears. “Oh lord not again, Slutstra take him to the infirmary!”
“Sir, yes sir!”
“Anyway, if you’ll just come along I’ll try to bring you all up to speed.”
* * *
Corporal Quasar watched from the security room as Starbring offered his precious cosmic bass to an outsider. How could he look past my obvious talents? Quasar thought, how could he not see that I’m worthy of being in the band?!
“Well Mr. Dudelicious, I’ll show you who the better man is, if I can’t be the bassist … no one can!” This threat might have sounding intimidating if it did not come from an incredibly thin looking baby face with a huge curly white afro and a Dark Deceive fanclub long-jacket on. Not to mention his high pitch effeminate voice. Quasar then let loose an evil laugh that sounded a lot like a helium balloon being raped by a cat.
Dun dun dunnnn…
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