Starship Rock 69 and a ½:
A Tale of Romance and Rock that Echoes Eternally
Throughout the Cosmos so Epically
it Could Only be Properly Represented by Having
the Book that Contains it Have the Most Impossibly
Lengthy Title in the History of Publications and
Quite Possibly the World, Though That is a Stretch as
There Might be a Longer Title Out There Somewhere.
I Mean There’s No Real Way to Know for Sure but
I Can Say That I am at Least 99% Certain
This is the Longest Title Ever; However,
Should That Lingering 1% of Uncertainty Become
A Reality I Would Hope That at Least this Title
Proudly Achieves Second Place for Longest Book
Title Ever, Though I would be Loathe to Lose as
Second Place is Merely the First to Lose. Therefore,
In the Event That a Longer Title is Discovered I would
Call Upon You, Dear Readers, to Buy Every Copy of
the Book with the Longest Title Ever and Burn it so
That I Alone Remain at the Apex of Title Lengthyness
By, Hopefully, a Wide Margin.
Sir Dudelicious McAwesome Xtreme Esquire the Fourth
“Ah piece of crap!” Dudelicious slammed his fist on the navigation controller on his ship’s console. “What’d I pay those mooks at the shipyard for if they just give me mars-market parts!” The console flashed some lights and a projection of a professional looking woman’s face blocked his view of the stars.
“Sir, you know hitting my buttons only makes me want to turn off the ships gravity and spin you like a laundry dryer.” The robotic voice issued this threat with the utmost pleasantry.
“What a load of crap, I thought they turned off your adaptive intelligence after you though you was my girlfriend last time! Don’t you threaten me you junky ship, it’s your fault I’m running behind schedule, toss me around like last time and I swear I’ll haul you in and sell you for scrap.” Dudelicious shook his fist defiantly at the smiling face, then made sure to comb his hair back just in case it got messed up while he was yelling.
The face was smiling, but the tone changed slightly. “Very well sir, in light of what you have just said I’ll refrain from getting angry. Oh and sir?”
Dudelicious leaned back into his pilots seat and sighed while rubbing his temples, he was after all still hung over. “Yeah, what is it? You gonna tell me you finally figured out a flight path to our next stop that won’t send us into a black hole or a damn asteroid field? I still don’t see how in the vast void of space we couldn’t go around those things last time.”
“No sir, I was gonna tell you that when I said I wasn’t going to get angry I was lying.”
Dudelicious bolted upright in his seat, “Don’t you dar–!” but was cut off as the gravity gave out, for some reason sending him head first into the ceiling. He let loose a stream of very impolite words and phrases as the small ship began to spin wildly, sending him bouncing around in the cabin like, well, like clothes in a dryer.
“Oh that’s it you messed up my doo!” As the steering wheel struck him square on the forehead and he started to slip into unconsciousness he thought to himself: I really need a new gig.
* * *
While Dudelicious is unconscious perhaps now would be a good time to describe this man for you. You see, Dudelicious’ real name is actually Dudelicious. He had a legal name change, his was a built man, tall, with Brown hair slicked back in a, dare I say, bitchin’ pompadour. Dudelicious liked to wear suits, but he hated ties, yet wore them loosely. He often said you can’t wear a suit without a tie. He also wore shades, the old Air Force pilot kind. Yes he even wore them at night, though in space it pretty much always was night. The lenses had some fancy nano-tech in them… high grade stuff, could only get it on the military surplus black market, and that place was a hell-hole if there ever was one. Dudelicious had a sort of conservative flair to him, an aesthetic that wasn’t offensive yet was unique. His slacks were smart, his belt buckle was pure silver and had a clip in the side that you could slide a travel-comb into. His shoes were simple black boots with a flame pattern on them.
How he came to end up in this time is yet another long tail, but suffice to say there are many layers to this man and I doubt he’d like it very much if I up and told you all his secrets right now. Sorry, you’ll have to wait for a convenient moment in the story for it to come up to find out more.
Though it may not harm things too much if I inform you that Dudelicious’ current career involves a little bit of smuggling, a little bit of scrap collecting, and a little bit of dealing with crazy computers with bad personalities.
* * *
White light flooded Dudelicious’ vision. For several seconds he laid still until the white light began to fade. “Where am I?” He tried to sit up but the straps saw to it that he wouldn’t. He turns his head to the side and saw something that, for most people, they would see only on the worst trips of Star Dust. A multi tentacled blob monster with a blonde wig on was prepping a syringe. “Oh! Hey honey I don’t know what I said I was into when I was drunk, but you’re definitely not it. You mind unstrapping me now so I can get outta here?”
“Afraid it’s not that simple Mr…” She, well, it… picked up a chart from a nearby counter top. “Dudelicious.” The reason Dudelicious first thought She was that it’s voice sounded very feminine and attractive. Though he was still strapped in his shades were not removed, the nanos were seeing them. He realized this poor woman was just a puppet, he thought to himself ‘filter five’ and the tentacle moster was detached from the nurse who was actually a very attractive female and who apparently liked to wear black lace. “Hey sorry bout before you’s alright lookin’. Nice underwear, very kink.”
The nurse turned around, blushing. The view showed him two things, that the being who was tethered to her consciousness was asleep at the moment and that the nurses emotional state was apprehensive. The creature was controlling her only in mind, not body though judging by her taste in underwear the creature was also giving himself a show. Dudelicious analyzed the situation and figured he might be able to talk her down while her master was asleep.
“Listen honey, before you stick me with that needle and leave the room to let your buddies do whatever science juju on me let me offer my services.” With a flick of his wrist a business card
“Sir, I hardly think you have anything I want.” Emotion indicator, she was lying. She was practically begging for help according to his shades.
“Right babe, sure I can’t. Listen, unstrap me don’t think about it, think of anything else. They can read your thoughts that’s how they know what you’re up to, just think about injecting me while you loosen these up a bit I know how to free you.” She was attracted to him, he could tell… perhaps it was that base human desire that convinced her to listen. Perhaps it was an offer of being free from one of their kind. Either way she loosened the straps with one hand while clutching the needle with the other, he hand visibly shaking.
“Keep thinking about it, whatever it is.” Dudelicious said to her as he got himself free and out of the bed. The room he was in was white walled, with monitors on one side, and a counter that ran lengthwise across the opposite side of the room. Several microscopes and a clipboard with a chart laid on the counter. Above the bed were lights and well as some rather nasty looking probes. Whatever they were gonna do to him, he was thankful he wouldn’t have to find out, he was also thankful they had a sexy nurse instead of one of those gruff male types that wouldn’t have given him half a chance before they stuck him with whatever it was.
Dudelicious fumbled in his pockets for a second and produced a match, “Okay honey now think as hard as you can that you just let a dangerous prisoner free.”
She closed her eyes and for a second nothing happened, then just like Dudelicious predicted a rift tore open behind her, they didn’t like it when you disobeyed their edicts. A tentacle shot out going for the poor nurses legs, probably to pull her into their home in the 5th Dimension. Dudelicious acted fast grabbing the nurse around the waist with one hand while tossing the match into the rift. Then he rolled over the bed with our nurse friend in tow as a column of flame shot out from the open portal then suddenly closed. For a second they both were still the nurse’s eyes rolled back into her head. Damsel’s in distress weren’t typically Dudelicious’ style; or so he said, but when the damsel in question is really really hot he tended to make exceptions… quite often.
“How did you know?” She asked, in half amazement.
He tapped his shades. “Nanotech and sensors built into the lenses and frames. Custom, but based on military technology.” Dudelicious made an educated guess suddenly. “Your technology?”
She looked him in the eye. “Yeah, we’re military… picked you up off the rings of Saturn being spun around in your ship. They told us you’d be there.” She paused for a moment, in thought. “That’s all I know.”
“You wanna know how I torched that mook eh? Heebie jeebies straight outta Capitan Atom comics. They need to stay in the 5th dimension to puppet you. That’s the trick ta takin em out. The 5th dimension has some interesting properties, but it is a stable dimension. Introduce a lil bit of chaos. Introduce an unstable element… some gunpowder, loud music n’ all that and it’s potential, now dig this and pay attention cuz it may save yo life again one day, it’s potential energy is increased one thousand fold and it’s stability is reduced one thousand fold. Turns a match into a nuke.”
The sound of heavy boots started to approach the room from somewhere off in one of the adjacent hallways. “Listen babe, you can either bail this scene with me or youse and take yo chances with your friends, capeiche?”
Mrs. Nurse nodded, and Dudelicious produced a butterfly knife. Things were about to get interesting…
* * *
…which is exactly while we will cut away for now.
Capitan Rockbring stood over the command deck of Starship Rock and addressed his second in command. “Rock Whore, get off that crew member and get your round shapely perfectly formed ass over here right now so I can talk into your boobs as though it were your face.” Rockbring really was saying, Rock Whore, get your ass over here and quit humping the crew mates so I can go over our attack plans with you. You couldn’t talk to her without acknowledging her looks, side effects from the hyperspace incident. Made him wonder why he appointed her second in command in the first place, after Quasar left that is. He pushed those thoughts aside, lingering on failures will only drag you down he thought. He also wondered how he would stare at her boobs when he cannot see, perhaps he’ll have to resort into sensing her tit’s aura, again.
That’s right, Rockbring cannot see, for he is very blind. During a particularly bad bender brought on by being slipped alcohol laced with some space cocaine, often referred to as ‘the spice.’ The combination of being exposed to prolonged hyperspace travel and psychotropic drugs shut down his vision receptors in his brain but he was gifted at that moment to be able to see a person’s aura. Their energy, and wither they are good, bad or neutral. He can also detect the person’s potential to rock, and that is how he has selected his first two band mates to join his crew and bring the gift of rock music across the universe. He wore a suit All located aboard the finest star cruiser/concert hall/space colony, known as The Starship Rock 69 and a ½. The name was written along the side of the ship in giant electric neon letters, as a matter of fact.
Rock Whore approached the Captain, “Yes what can I do for you today honey?” She said as she began to grind on him.
“Dammit woman, you don’t need to seduce me, we’re on the same side!” He released a defeated sigh as she continued her grinding undaunted. “Anyway, we’re going to be deploying the Amplifier ships around the perimeter of the imperial cruiser, then I’ll have you hook up your guitar and use noise suppression on the occupants. Be sure to set it for their frequency, we don’t want to harm anyone they might have imprisoned on-board.”
While grinding rock whore hiked up her mini-skirt a little and said, “why are we deploying to this ship anyway, what makes this ship so special?”
“The man who will become our bassist is on that ship, I can sense it.”
* * *
Dudelicious removed the blade of his knife from the eye of the last guardsman aboard the ship that was still alive. He was standing in the hanger on top of a pile of dead bodies and robots wit a cigar in his mouth, and the hot nurse pressed close against him. He was holding a knife in one hand and a pulse rifle in the other. “Man that was wild babe, you shoulda told me your pals like to party hard.”
She slapped the cigar out of his mouth and as they kissed the fire in the hanger raged and the flames ignited the fuel tanks of the ships docked there causing a domino effect of explosions all the way down to the end. Just when it looked like the fighting was over, the cyborg samurai dropped down from the ceiling, they had been waiting for his guard to be down and they were ready to dish out some serious highly choreographed fighting techniques on Dudelicious. Really it is not as interesting as it sounds so back to Rockbring…
* * *
Rockbring held up his microphone / baton as he walked across his ship’s deployment docks. His gold-trimmed and white colored marching band outfit contrasting his dark skin. He walked with an almost robotic precision, pointing this way and that. With each wave of his baton ships deployed, armed themselves, or were being boarded by their pilots.
He addressed a small squad of his finest. “Men, women, creatures of ghastly origin and appearance. Today is the day that the Starship Rock’s band becomes complete. Through time and space our target has traveled, though he is unaware of the significance of this in time I am sure he will. People, board that ship, show no mercy, show only your fury and rock spirit. Wail on your cosmic guitar guns and scramble their brains like so much fondue!”
A raised hand. “Sir, you don’t scramble fondue.”
“Well you don’t.”
“Anyway, go forth my finest and set the stage for us to be able to finally oppose them openly! Carpe Diem!”
In unison the squad let loose a “Hurrah!” Except one young polet in the back who seemed to have fallen asleep. At least until he moaned and Rock Whore stood up from his lap and looked around at all the people staring at her and let loose a timid… “hurrah?”
* * *
Dudelicious looked over the carnage he had unleashed in the hanger, the cyborg samurais were little more then piles of molten steel and flesh. Dudelicious used the pilot light on the tip of the flamethrower he was holding to light a cigar in his mouth. His sexy nurse sidekick’s outfit was torn turning her long nurses outfit into a mini-skirt with a tattered v-neck. She was swooning, “you’re so… Dudelicious.” She said. “I mean, it just rolls off the tongue so well. Duddddeeeeeeliiiiiciouuuusssss.”
Dudelicious didn’t normally smoke except for dramatic effect. He looked over at his new side-kick. “Babe, you know I can’t be saving you all the ti–.”
A cyborg samurai that was still alive jumped up behind her. In a blur she turned and palm struck it in the face, it’s mask shattering with a vicious sounding crack. “Raaaaah!” She then unleashed a devastating high-low sidekick combo and followed it up by a spinning hook kick completely severing it’s head from it’s body.
She was panting, her body shuddering with intensity. “Whoa babe!” Said Dudelicious. “That was friggin rockin’ you totally deep sixed that mook. Why didn’t you do that before?”
“Cuz you were havin so much fun playing the big strong hero. It was getting me hot. I just did that to show you that I’m tougher than I look.”
A loud grinding noise came from far off in the hanger and became a steady thud-thud-thud as the sound slowly approached their position. “Aw man, don’t tell me…” Dudelicious sighed.
“I guess you’ve made enough trouble they let loose the Caskets.”
Dudelicious threw the flame thrower aside, knowing it was going to be useless against their next opponents. Anyway, back to Rockbring….
* * *
Rockbring’s men had already established a perimeter and were currently using magnetics to attach their amp ships around the imperial ship. Rock Whore’s floating sound stage was in tow. Rockbring’s personal star fighter was hanging back, for command purposes. He pressed a button on his console and a holograph display of Rock Whore’s cabin popped up in front of him. Holographs worked great for him as it was much easier to sense the energy patterns and see what was on the screen with his minds eye. He hated vintage projection screens and especially the old CRT units, couldn’t see shit.
“Rock Whore! Your steering rod is not supposed to go in there!”
Rockbring released yet another defeated sigh as she continued undaunted. “Anyway, you ready to go? We’ve got our men poised to take the docks, that fire that I can see raging in there has me concerned for our new friend.”
“I can see that sir, and yes” deep moans “I’m ready anytime, wait, give me a second.” CENSORED. “Okay now I’m ready.”
“Okay, get on stage and jam. I hope your sound is enough. Rocker 69 seems to be passed out after a long night of worshiping his ‘dark lord’.”
Rock Whore laughed, “ha-ha! You mean he’s passed out in a cookie and fruit punch induced coma! That guy’s such a lightweight. Okay… I’ve got my cockpit sound stage set-up,” She produced a totally awesome guitar in the shape of a purple lightning bolt. “Switch me to all amp channels and I’ll let ‘er rip.”
* * *
Dudelicious fired five rockets from his shoulder mounted rocket launchers on his mech suit. The sexy Nurse’s clothing was even more tattered and now she was basically in her black lace underwear complete with fishnets and a garter belt. She was sitting on one of the rocket pods on top of the mech suit Dudelicious had hijacked and was now piloting. Around him in a semi-circle were smashed mech suits with brains and green ooze leaking out from the holes he perforated in them with his chain gun arm.
“Wow …. Dudelicious, you’re like some kind of Space Cowboy.”
Dudelicious thought about this for a moment, then decided to stick to the old adage, never turn down a complement.
“Yes babe, yes I am.”
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