Dudelicious looked over the ship’s command room, truly impressive. Sexy women handling all the flight controls and armed guards at all the doors. A wide window panned around the room in a large circle. He was standing on the command deck with Rockbring. Rocker 69 was on his way to the infirmary, so he was not present. Rock Whore had already began to undress Nurse Kiki and continued to … do things… to her on the ship’s command console.
“So youse wanted to lay some info-mation on me?”
Rockbring pressed a button on the command console that was right next to Rock Whore’s CENSORED. An image came up, of one of them tentacles and all. “Dudelicious, we’ve been looking for you for some time. It seems you’ve attracted their attention. You’ve done smuggling jobs for a lot of my men and agents, and your combat prowess is impressive. You see the band is both a front and our focus. We pull jobs all across the galaxy in order to find the great rift.”
“The great rift doesn’t exist, ya dig. I’ve been chasin’ that wild goose fo the past five years o my life. I’m tellin’ you, there’s no hint not even a rumor of where it could be. If that’s your goal then youse is jus’ wastin’ my time.”
“Wait, let me finish. You couldn’t find the rift because it’s a lock that requires a special key.”
“What chu tryna say?”
“In order to open the rift to them you need the greatest rock band in the universe to play their best song from inside the black hole in the center of the Milky Way. It’s the only way to reach them.”
“Whoa whoa, listen, jus cuz I talks like this doesn’t mean I don’t know my physics. There is no ship that can survive a trip into a black hole, you’re plan is straight up madness.”
“You’re wrong, this ship can do it, it was given to me for that purpose.”
“Now youse is jus yankin my chain. You buy some surplus weapons off the black market, ya steal some fancy instruments and a capital-class space colony… or did you think that I didn’t recognize this as the interior of the Rockhimer? … and you expect me to believe the only way to get to them is to fly some imperial piece of junk into a friggin black hole and play on some old ass instruments? I suppose next you’ll tell me that stupid mook of a band memba you call Rocker went into diabetic shock and channeled the will of his ‘master’ and he gave you this brilliant idea in the first place?”
Rockbring was taken off-guard, “well, I uhhhh….”
Dudelicious looked irritated, “I shoulda known you all was crazy, come on babe, we’s outta here.” He grabbed his now topless companion out from underneath Rock Whore and took the lift off the flight deck, leaving Rockbring behind to think that could have gone better.
* * *
In the hanger Dudelicious was packing his stuff on one of the better ships, at first he thought the rumors might have been true that Rockbring would be the one to finally achieve the breakthrough the universe needed to finally stop them but after seeing his crew and his plan; if you could even call it that, he wasn’t so sure. He’d need time to think this over, because it just sounded like a suicide mission to him.
As he boarded the ship Nurse Kiki hopped in the co-pilot’s seat. Just as Dudelicious closed the ship’s hatch and was preparing for takeoff he heard a light tapping on the window. It was Major Slutstra. He rolled his eyes and opened the hatch back up, “waddah you want babe?”
She leaned over him, “I joined this crew because I believe in that man that you just insulted. You may think he speaks madness, but you should have more faith. He’s led us into far more dangerous missions and we’ve come back, in spite of it all.”
“Listen babe, faith’s for suckers. For people who give themselves up to someone else’s ideas of what they should be like. I can’t jive with that babe, it doesn’t work for the Licious. I’m gonna go my own way, I’m outta here.”
She stared at him for a moment, unsure of what yo say. Finally it came to her, “Then I’m going with you, and even if it takes my whole life I will convince you to trust The Band.” Before he could get a word in edgewise she hopped on to his lap and slammed the hatch shut.
Nurse Kiki didn’t like the seating arrangement too much, and spoke up. “Hey! If you’re gonna have a sexy ride at least don’t leave me back here all alone!”
Dudelicious looked at Slutstra. “You heard the lady, get back there and give her some company, I’ve got a ship to fly.”
* * *
Corporal Quasar stormed through the ship’s cafeteria, he was searching for something. Making quite a scene as he did so, knocking over pots of boiling stew, bread racks, and several storage lockers filled with the various candies the rest of the crew wished to keep out of Rocker 69’s grubby mitts. Claw marks were visible on the outsides of them, showing that he was still determined to try anyway, even in defiance of titanium alloy casing.
Quasar produced a ray gun from inside his jacket. He closed his eyes and fired, blinding light flashed in the room for a second, and when it dimmed a seared hole could be seen in the candy storage lockers. They thought they could hide it in the cafeteria, the fools! Thought Quasar. He laughed his exceedingly gay and lame laugh. It sounded kind of like the biggest nerd you ever met getting hit square in the jewels with a can of helium. He briefly considered the possibility that what he was doing was wrong, but then he thought back to all the times Rockbring said he wasn’t ready, all the times Rockbring said his rock soul wasn’t strong enough, all the times he got called a faggot for his retarded haircut. He curled his lip back and stifled the tears of loneliness and rejection. He worked his way through the ranks and for what? Nothing but dejection and fag jokes at his expense. Even Rock Whore wouldn’t bang him because she said he didn’t look like enough of a man or enough of a woman for her to be sure what to do exactly. All those lonely nights with only a warm sock to keep him company… well, now he’ll show them all! He stuffed the candy into a large trash bag and dragged it down the ships hallways, making sure to leave a trail for everyone to follow.
He attempted to kick open Rocker’s door, nearly fell on his ass, ans spilled the contents of one bag of candy all over the hallway. After his stint in the hospital they had brought Rocker back to his room and now Quasar’s plan would be complete, if only he could get the door open. Thinking fast he decided to risk exposure and contact his new boss, the one he’d been communing with ever since Rockbring denied him one of the cosmic instruments of power.
* * *
Rockbring looked out across the command deck of the ship, he couldn’t see the stars in the distance like you or I could. Instead he saw flares of energy and vortexes of great blackness. He could see the rock soul of the universe before him, growing dimmer, growing weaker. It troubled him, and deep down he knew that Rocker and Rock Whore could feel it too. Even if one was a candy sucking madman and one wouldn’t stop fucking grinding him while he was trying to have a dramatic and character-revealing moment. Still he saw Dudelicious’ rock soul as well, and he knew that he would be the key to victory. His rock soul was so pure, a free spirit that is still compelled to try and do the right thing. He couldn’t afford to just let that walk out on him, surely he could reason with him, surely there could be some sort of comprom–
Rockbring felt something in the ship, it sounded like… no, he thought. It couldn’t be them. No one would dare contact them on this ship, would they? Rockbring wasn’t so sure, anything was possible as the universe’s rock soul kept diminishing. He brushed Rock Whore aside, and said “there’s something wrong on the ship, I have to go check it out.”
“I sense it too you know, but I can’t control my libido long enough to focus on it, it’s in the rear of the ship. Now go! I have to hump something! I can’t stop myself! DAMN THIS CURSE!” With that she jumped on top of one of the female crew mates and started to CENSORED on CENSORED with her CENSORED.
Quickly Rockbring jumped on the lift and pressed a number sequence known only to him, the lift was suddenly covered in a force bubble and shot straight down into the bowls of the ship. Rockbring was in the war room, he found his war gear in it’s usual storage space. He quickly donned his white studded ray-reflex armor and his stun baton. I’ll get to the bottom of this even if it means having to use… excessive force!
As he got back on the lift he buzzed the ship’s intercom system. “Attention crew, this your Captain speaking we have a class A emergency situation -”
* * *
“- therefore I advise that all non-combat oriented members of the crew return to their quarters until further notice. For all combat-oriented crew members please execute defensive sweep X-11. Report any and all suspicious findings to me directly. Thank you.”
The intercom clicked off. Quasar was irrated and slightly surprised. How did he catch me opening the rift so quickly? It was only open for a mere second if that… No matter. It was done. The candy-mine had been set, waiting for the combat crew to stumble upon. Quasar opened another rift and was gone out of the hall area to another part of the ship…
* * *
Dudelicious was already outside of the hanger flying at slow cruse speed as he rounded around the port side front hull of the ship. He couldn’t help but notice that the neon sign he barely caught a glimpse of the first time around was actually made up of letters stolen from other ships and crudely grafted to the hull. Looking something like this…
S t a R s h I p R o C k 69 & ½
He couldn’t help but shake his head and laugh at the balls it must have taken to steal neon signs off space stations just to make your ship stand out more. He had to admit to himself that this crew sure had style, even if their captain was a 100% grade a psychopath. Travel into the center of a super massive black hole my ass! There was no way you could convince the Licious to do that, you crazy mofo.
It was at that moment that the ships emergency lights on the exterior started flashing. “Aw hell, what now?” He thought for a moment and decided it wasn’t his problem started to turn the ship away preparing for a space fold to his next destination, when from behind a firm, yet feminine, hand gripped his shoulder. He then noticed he had a blaster pointed right at his exceedingly licious pompadour. “Either you turn this tub around right now and help out the ship or I’ll blow a hole right through your hairdoo prettyboy.” Slutstra was not screwing around it seemed. Dudelicious pondered the situation for a second but before he could react he heard a “Hiyaaaahhhh!” as Sexy nurse Kiki struck Slutstra, who in turn ended up discharging her weapon through the cockpit window of the ship, searing a hole in it. Dudelicious used an emergency tube of patchfoam to plug the hole, and inadvertently used to much, freezing the ships control console in one singular dirrection, forcing the craft to slowly make it’s way into the center of the ‘O’ on the ships outer neon sign. He attempted to hit the bailout button to save them from the crash but the catfight in the backseat had already escalated and getting to the switch was nearly impossible.
“Ladies we’re gonna crash! What are youse doin’!”
But it was too late…
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