In my last article I mentioned a very near and very dear old high school friend of mine. Sam the American Ninja. Somehow, if you could combine the utter awesomeness of all the American Ninja movies (somehow the count got to four, which goes to show artists who cannot get their scripts accepted must really suck), and sort of mashed it into the corporeal form of one human being, you would end up with a walking avatar of 1980’s film making wizardry. What you probably wouldn’t end up with is Sam, because nothing about Sam was cool… even in a cheesy 80s action flick way. What I mean is this… the American Ninja films are a million times less painful to you in the long run than a ten-minute conversation with this man was. Let me give you Sam’s back story according to him, and before you ask… yes this is based on actual things he told me. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction, well at least if that truth is in fact, fiction itself.
* * *
On a dark and stormy night an American Solider, stationed in Japan was killed by a clan of evil Ninjas. His widow, fearful for her life knew that she had to protect her son, so she gave up her child and left him at a stranger’s doorstep and disappeared into the night. The child was raised by the kind stranger… a wise old man who actually turned out with his dog ‘Interceptor’ to be … Ninja Master Shadow. One day young Sam caught his master training in a forest clearing while he was fetching water from the well. Shadow was standing there and all around him pots were dangling from ropes in the trees. Then suddenly, there was a great rush of wind and all the pots exploded! But, and this must be stressed while I say this, in order to get the full effect you have to imagine someone whispering this to you, Shadow never moved. Also, this was totally not ripped off of those god awful Three Ninjas movies about the 2 skinny kids and 1 fat kid who defeated entire clans of ninjas with corny jokes and nerf guns. Then, Shadow turned to Sam.
“Sam, today is the day that you must decide if you wish to learn the ways of the Ninja, for you have seen me practicing and now you know the truth and cannot stay if you do not take a vow of secrecy and swear under the ninja code that you will not reveal this truth to any outsiders. Wahtaaaaaaaaaaa!”
“You told me that Ninjas killed my family! How can I trust you now you stupid old man! I will get my revenge and avenge my family by getting revenge and defeating you thereby getting vengeance! Eat my American fists of justice!”
Sam then told me, as I relate to you now, that when he was untrained and weak he still put up a great battle against Shadow, with lighting and everything… and possibly long discussions about each attack move they were to make much like your typical Fight-Anime. But in the end, Shadow vanquished Sam… with the legendary Dragon Fist of AWESOMENESS. Then Shadow, who totally wasn’t a made up person based on a 16-bit video game character, trained Sam in the ways of the ninja for Sam’s skill was impressive and he would become the old master’s final and greatest student.
Sam, actually carried the the genetic code from his father’s side (though this fact was unknown to him until later in life) of being totally radical. He was so awesome in fact that he learned the Ninja arts in a matter of weeks. Even learning about the secret ninja world that exists in ours. About how ninjas are in crowds everywhere, always milling about. According to Sam at least 10% of the entire population of Japan were so called ‘secret’ ninjas. In addition to being able to totally kick the hell out of everything, from being the second greatest ninja in the world thanks to Shadow’s intense, and surprisingly short, training regimen, Sam also courted many Asian women as he had incredible sex appeal. Due to his fashion sense, which comprised of too-tight jeans and crusty black t-shirts that smelled like a gym locker, combined with his striking physical features such as his very subtle overbite, barely-there porn mustache, greasy black bowl-cut, and the aforementioned gym locker odor; could make even the driest vagina gush with lust-sauce. Sam, by the age of 15 had banged almost every J-idol, Super Model, and Actress that had ever set foot in japan, at least 5 times.
One day, near the end of his training, Master Shadow let him know the truth.
“Sam-san, I am old and dying but before I pass I must tell you the truth. Your family was killed by evil ninjas, you are not my son!”
“OH MY GOD NO! THAT CAN’T BE TR– Wait a minute! You’ve already told me this you senile old moron! God I’m awesome…“
“Oh… uhh… did I ever happen to tell you who these evil Ninjas were?”
“Well in that case, let me tell you. It was a clan that is run by my twin brotherrrr…. ughle dergle! I die now, knowing that when I die you will take my place as the world’s greatest ninja. Blergle gurgle sputter blarg! I peed and pooped…”
With those famous last words Master Shadow who is totally not based on Shadow from Final Fantasy 3, died.
“No, master… you did not make me the best ninja in the world with your death. You made me the best ninja… in the universe! MASTER I WILL AVENGE YOU.”
Apparently Master Shadow who is totally not based on Shadow from Final Fantasy 3 was not quite dead yet.
“How can you avenge my death when the only thing that killed me is time itself!?”
Then Master Shadow who is totally not blah blah blah, finally died. At least I think he did. Who the fuck knows?
Sam, the greatest ninja in the universe, thought about the master’s last words. Time itself killed the great master, therefore Sam would have to climb Mt. Olympus and slay the Greek god Chronos, master of time. Only then would his debt to the master for showing him the way be repaid. So Sam climbed Mt. Olympus armed only with a pair on nun-chucks and a ball-boilingly (new word I just invented for this occasion, defined as ‘boiling with intent to maim’) fierce desire for vengeance! Once Sam arrived at the summit Chronos was waiting, looking slightly amused. He taunted Sam, and humiliated him. How could he, the greatest ninja in the universe who was still a mere mortal, ever hope to slay a god? But then he realized something, as his balls boiled with more power and rage, then he pulled out the nun-chucks and began to walk menacingly towards Chronos, who did not looked worried in the least.
The battle was written down as an epic poem, allow me to transcribe for you:
“On Mt. Olympus,
The greatest Ninja in the universe,
His balls verily quakething with power,
Did slayeth Chronos lord of time,
And Avengeth his master’s death,
And verily when the god’s blood spilled,
It touched his nun-chucks of pure justice,
And the world saw the birth of a new god,
Not of time, but of timing,
All the bells ringith proudly on this morn,
The birth of the God of Ninjas.”
With the head of Chronos held up high the gods power transferred to him, and he also became a highlander. An immortal. Sam became the world’s first Ninja, Highlander, Greek God, Playboy. Also he was an author, who secretly recorded his real-life battles in other planes with other gods and mortals as author David Eddings.
Sam’s first act as the God of Ninjas was to teleport to every ninja that knew about his parent’s murder and make them explode by giving them the secret Lotus Finger of 1000 Hemorrhoids. His second act, to plant his seed in the belly of every hottie on earth, xtreme!
Deciding to live as a mortal to better understand our mortal world Sam came to America to live with distant relatives, revealing his secret identity only to his closest friends. Or at least the people that couldn’t get away from him as fast as the others when they smelled him coming.
* * *
Sam was one of those special kids of people that was totally full of shit and believed in it. He would tell these totally stupid stories about things he had done or people he’s fought with. The thing about it was that he was kind of pathetic and so, with a degree of pity, most people would just smile and nod and not really pretend to believe him so much as not tell him they think he’s full of shit. He was also especially annoying because he was oblivious to this fact and so he would hang around and make everything all awkward by his inability to get the hint that the person he was talking to only wished that he’d either shut up or go away.
He told me one time he beat up three Green Berets in a bar fight. With his ninja training. If he had fought any Green Berets I’d have known because he’d be fucking dead and not following me around annoying me with his stupid lies about writing fantasy novels in between ninja training and refusing to talk about said training… while ‘leaking’ information out. Such as, you know, the fact that his master showed him how to disappear and so forth. Also he knew Highlanders, immortals if you will, and he would let me meet one some day. As a matter of fact he was a highlander, but unofficial, he hadn’t been granted immortality yet. Sometimes I wondered to myself if he was merely a liar with a really active imagination or if he was insane and delusional.
What I do remember most of all, was the day that we finally let him know we knew he was a stupid annoying liar. We were hanging out in this giant concrete trench that was around the back of the old skating rink. He was going on and on about how he was a ninja and blah blah blah, and green berets and blah blah blah. My friend at the time from high school, this extraordinarily short-tempered Italian guy named Jon simply punched him as hard as he could in the guys chest. Sam folded up and there were tears in his eyes, a ninja wouldn’t have been caught off-guard like that. Sam said he was tricked and demanded a retaliatory punch. Being somewhat of a good sport, or at least a good sport unless you were playing him in a clearly defined game with rules of winning and losing, Jon let Sam hit him.
It was the single weakest punch I have ever seen. It was done totally wrong, almost like he was trying to shove him with his fist at an incredibly low speed. We all laughed and sort of ignored Sam’s excuses to the tune of ‘I can’t really use my ninja skills on you, it’s ninja code,’ and went home. Sam never got the hint though, and for years he tried to get back in contact with us. Sometimes he’d show up at one of our houses and we’d play this game of hot-potato where I’d try to convince him to go to one friend’s house or the other. We’d bring him along and then suddenly ‘have to go’ leaving him with whoever else’s house we’d happen to have stopped at. One friend of mine did this to me, but I was playing ape escape and didn’t even look at Sam. Then with my friend and Sam still in my room I said I had to leave for a second and went out and got my grandfather and told him to come in my room for a second and say that my friends had to go and that he had to talk to me. So I managed to turn the trick around on my friend, who looked pissed. Then he tried to pawn Sam off on another friend of mine who told him over the phone, “I know what you’re doing” and promptly hung up.
Thus, after time, the American Ninja God Highlander Alien Immortal finally stopped coming around. Only later did we find out he got kicked out of his house for, as I said in my last article, fucking some chick with down’s syndrome in his little sister’s room when she was in there sleeping. Way to go Sam, way to go. We haven’t heard from him in years, but that doesn’t mean that somewhere, out in the heavens with the gods, Sam The God of All Ninjas, is not battling cosmic forces right now. Or at least, if he isn’t doing so in reality, he’s doing so in his heavily sedated state in his own mind somewhere in a padded cell.
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