This site, well, doesn’t get many comments. Page views seem fairly high though, and I suppose that tells me that at least someone is reading this nonsense, and that’s really good enough for me. As Huxley states every now and then in the rotating quotes on the right, obscurity can only be cultivated in the dark. Or at least something to that effect.
When I first created this site, it was much like… say, a rebound relationship. My last website broke my heart, cut me to the bone, and made me want to pick up an acoustic guitar and write the world’s billionth love song. So this was the first thing I made. At first I wanted to name it Platitudes.com, for the precise reason that, unless I’m being extremely lazy in my writing, I sort of go out of my way to avoid platitudes. You could even say that it was intended to be ironic which would have been sure to tickle the funny bones of any Gen-Xer that happened to be reading this. As a side note to that, I once cracked wise that the best way to get money out of those idiots is to just call things what they are, they seem to think saying something is what it is in a really droll voice makes it cutting and clever. Ironic. My brilliant idea was to make Gen-X clothing. Hats that said, in small text ‘hat.’ Shoes that were in fact labeled ‘Shoe Brand Shoes.’ Expensive t-shirts that said ‘T-Shirt.’ You get the idea. Of course, I couldn’t get the website name I wanted which sort of irritated me, so I got the Warden on Ventrilo along with another friend of mine in an attempt to coax a new name out of them since my first choice was taken.
Being the super useful Co-Admin he is the Warden cracked wise that Platitudes sounded a lot like, Platypuses. You know, the ugly poisonous duckbeasts from that wasteland of humanity known as Australia, where everything is poisonous and will kill your ass. Especially the music, Jet sucks. So, the suggestion was to name the site, I shit you not… PlatitudePlatypus.com. While not only is this a stupid suggestion, against my better judgment I said, ‘dude, who would think of something like that?’ Little did I realize that this is the damn internet. It’s not a matter of who would think of something like that, it’s a matter of when. So I did a google search for ‘platitude.’ This lead me to an article on uncyclopedia. What’s that you see in the right hand corner upon viewing the page? A FUCKING PLATYPUS SPEAKING PLATITUDES!
Oh the lols that were had when I informed the people on the vent I just discovered that The Warden’s glorious platitude platypus exists. Conceived from the evil and primordial mind of the internet that truly embodies the old mantra that if you give enough monkies a typewriter you’ll end up with talking burritos written into commercials and platitude platypi. Well, perhaps that’s exactly how it goes, but it’s a hell of a lot more accurate because I have yet to see anyone make the greatest play ever written. Also shows that the idea is a bit out dated because for the most part Broadway isn’t as a big as it tends to think it is. Anyway, this Platypi based discovery of mine assured that I would never get a useful suggestion out of anyone on there and had to resort to timeless democratic method developed by dictators, tyrants, kings, pharaohs and even patricians alike; the ‘one man, one vote policy.’ I think you know where this is going, and low and behold we get stuck with nonpersons! Hurray! So now all I need to do is find a wildlife preserve that lets someone sponsor Platypi so that we can have a living breathing and ugly little web-footed mascot to call my own. While most people would not embrace a Platypi I think it’s a wonderful metaphor, in an unintentional way perhaps, for the nature of this site. The contents are hideous and grotesque, yet some twisted souls cannot look away but at the same time, as judged by the lack of comments, they dare not try to pet the fucking things, because … well fuck just look at it! And it’s poisonous, no thank you sir I’ll just observe from a respectable distance if it’s all the same to you.
So that’s it in a nutshell, the incredible logistics of making another website for me, an hours of vent conversation that went nowhere and a spur of the moment decision based mostly on frustration and compromise. By compromise, by the way, I mean godaddy telling me what names I’ve come up with are taken and getting the option of either taking the leftovers or letting these stupid thoughts bounce around in my head till they either drive me mad or cause me to do something even more stupid than write about the fictional life of the American Ninja. An outcome that I assure you, someone out there may very well be amused to witness. So while that part was out of the way, getting the appearance just right, getting the widgets just right, getting the content tone just right was the hard part, or at least should be. For me it’s not so much because I’m sort of like a cyber nomad and am good at packing my tent up at night and hitching it up somewhere else later. You could even say I’ve sort of based my career, if you will, on it.
However, it should be noted, I’ve never had a site that gave me a list of the most searched for tags, the most comprehensive list of posts viewed, by who, and how unique they are and where they came from. This is mostly because my last website was mostly a forum and it didn’t have that kind of functionality and the other sites I had been on were blog sites and forums long-dead that I had no real control over, at least from a moderator perspective. I found other ways of controlling things. Here’s where, for me, things get interesting. Sometimes I pick tags just because they sound funny, I don’t intend people to actually use them, which makes the tags that people do end up mostly searching for unsurprising but unexpected. I suppose that in a way that was my problem, I had viewed tags as something you added to fill out the blank spaces in the ‘add new post’ window, I didn’t actually think they were something that intended on being used. Apparently they had other ideas. Here’s the breakdown of some of tags people most commonly look for…
- lover mother
- The Spirit
- more tags
- lesbian party!
We all know the internet is for porn, it’s a fact of life. Lover, lover mother, and mother (the popularity of lover mother is probably those damn hentai incest people at work again) are probably people looking for porn. Likewise ‘lesbian party!’ is pretty much self-explanatory in terms of why people would search for that. I mean, who doesn’t love a good lesbian party? Lord knows I do. The Spirit was a movie, in the loosest definition of the word, and by that I mean that it was on the big screen and it certainly did show moving pictures, but that’s all it had going for it; but if someone was looking for information on it and came across my article they might reconsider exposing oneself to the AIDS infested spectacle that was that ‘movie.’ Frank Miller should be flogged for that travesty. So, most of these, at least in some way make sense in terms of why people would search for them, but there are two tags that manage to baffle me, even when you factor in the stupid and perverse nature of the average internet browsing population. If that offended you by the way, you’re welcome to browse myspace or 4chan.org’s /b/ section and prove me wrong.
So I can wrap my head around some of those, but the one that really find funny out of all of that is ‘pancakes.’ Granted ‘more tags’ is kind of funny it its own right and I’ll get to that in a moment. But still, pancakes? I can’t even remember any article on this site talking about fucking pancakes, so why is there a tag for it? It’s like we’re putting tags for things that the articles don’t talk about as well as tags for what they do. I don’t even know why pancakes would be such a popular tag, I mean I know that they are delicious and filling, part of a round breakfast (get it? cuz they are round… nyuk nyuk) and all that, but pancakes? Really? I thought that maybe cybersex or even whores would have beaten out pancakes to the top, but apparently cybersex isn’t as filling and whores aren’t as delicious… even with syrup. So I guess under that logic it’s cool, besides Prince feeds even those he’s vanquished in basketball pancakes, and since I mentioned Prince and basketball I can add them to the list of tags for this article! I think I’m starting to get used to this whole ‘tagging’ concept.
Another tag that actually made me laugh out loud was… ‘more tags.’ Somehow, one of the top tags on the site was a demand for more tags! Well hang around for a while, I’m sure we shall oblige you with nonsensical tags, magical tags, and tags to dazzle the imagination and make you wonder how you lived without them. That’s just how we do things. If you were to ask some of the people who have suffered with me on Guild Wars what my motto is for situations where I do things to the point that it may not seem sane or possibly even safe, they would tell you that I merely claim that when I do things I go balls deep. That’s right, you fucking heard me, balls deep. If you’re gonna go over the line and make say, a ridiculously huge tag box in an article for no apparent reason don’t just half-ass it. That’s a lesson I learned from my Grandfather when I helped him clean floors as a janitor when I was a lowly and stupid tweenager, so in frustration one time at his nit-picking of me not cleaning a floor just right I went balls deep and bleach the whole carpet. You wouldn’t find a cleaner carpet anywhere on the planet after that. You may think no one is stupid enough to bleach a carpet just to make it clean, but then again, I think I’ve set a precedence for people to question whether or not that pretense may have any basis in reality once you factor me into the equation.
Statistics are interesting to me, but once you factor in the tags you may have already worked out what some of the most popular and commentless articles on the site are. Granted my review of the Spirit was not exactly the best thing I’ve ever written but I had just paid to see that god awful, stupid, boring, asinine movie so you can’t expect total eloquence from someone after being exposed something as dreadfully inane as that fucking cinematic travesty. In case you’re wondering, if I haven’t made it clear yet… the Spirit fucking sucked. Oh boy did it ever suck and suck hard. Starship rock is also high on the list there, but the stats don’t get too far into the specifics of what tags made people want to read those articles, but I think we both know the answer to that… lesbian party!, lover mother.
Because statistics can be fun, insofar that someone isn’t quoting an university study from five years ago as though it proves one of their idiotic theories on why people do the things they do. Some people just can’t wrap their heads around the concept that you can, thanks to the information age, probably find some half-assed pseudo scientific study to ‘prove’ anything you want. The method, by the way, I don’t feel is flawed. The scientific method that is. But, and this is a big but, people are, and since people do the tests and control the information and data cultivated what you end up is a nice and clean little explanation used to explain away things that none of the data actually explains at all. Anyway, as a point after my Guild Wars article I added up all the times I had been killed in the game overall. All 4077 of them. Then I ran it through a calculator based on this question: “If I watched my characters die in five second clips so I could see what killed me, how long would it take me to watch every death?” It’s not a hard equation and I welcome anyone who plays to find out. Here’s what you do:
(Amount of Deaths) X (Seconds in time you wish to use on each death to watch it) ÷ (60) Minutes ÷ (60) Hours = Amount of time you’ll be watching yourself die.
In my case the amount of time I’d spend watching myself die is 5.56625 hours. So then I was curious, because that seems like a long time, but I bet to myself there was some twisted soul out there who’d have died way more in game than I ever would. As a matter of fact, I knew there was. Enter Mike, the eldest guild member, a walking mummy really with internet access built into his tomb. How you ask? Everyone knows aliens built those pyramids. I had Mike tally up his in-game deaths, all 15,829 of them. So applying the same equation to him, if you were to watch his deaths you’d spend 21.9847222222222222222222222222222222222222222222222 hours watching mike die. Nearly 22 hours of dyin’. If you were to sit down and watch them all, I would suggest getting a comically over sized beverage with a crazy fun straw in it and a large tub of popcorn, maybe an ass-pillow as well because you’ll be sitting for a while. When the reaper comes for Mike himself I have a feeling he’s just going to sigh deeply and then say “AGAIN?!” There’s another equation Mike came up with after that, the DpH count. Deaths per Hour. How to tabulate that is below.
(Amount of total deaths) ÷ (amount of hours played) = Deaths per hour!
Mike dies about once every 20 minutes. I die about once an hour. With all that dying you’d think that I would be more comfortable with the concept of death, after all, apparently I’m good at it, but Mike is the zen master of dying. Make sure, before you attempt it, to consult him first. His sage advice may prove invaluable to your afterlife experience.
This delightful nugget of information was brought to you by: Dr. Repose: The site's wanna-be author, professional jerk, monster who's dead on the inside, and semi-proud owner. More from this author