Vibram FiveFingers KSO – Footwear for your favorite idiot.

Friends are awesome.  It doesn’t matter what they look like, where they live, or what they do for a living; the important thing is that they stimulate you to try your hand at previously undiscovered territory in your hobbies and/or talents, for example writing mean-spirited rants about their common sense deprived non-mutual acquaintances.  Today’s subject: Ridiculous footwear and the people that love it.

Now I was introduced to the following link, which I knew was going to be gold the moment I was asked “Ok, how gay is this?”, by one such friend.  I prepared with a strange mix of glee and trepidation for the sparkling trove yet to be unveiled when Firefox finally decided to load.  I was not disappointed.  Feast your eyes on the Vibram brand Fivefingers KSO for men:

http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/products/products_KSO_m.cfm

Yes, those are real shoes designed, presumably, by real people and not crazed hippy gorillas injecting drano straight into their corneas for a buzz, but it’s not like anyone would blame you for making the mistake.  They give the appearance of being rather uncomfortable, they’re stupidly overpriced, and the name KSO stands for “KEEPS STUFF OUT”.  Brilliant! (not really)  The most important thing, however, is that they look fucking retarded and I would be embarrassed to be seen in them, especially if the people around me knew they carried a price tag of $85.

However, that’s not the best part. The best part, which I mentioned briefly at the beginning of the article, is the demographic of people who would convince themselves they need these abominations in their closet.  A good friend of mine remarked how she crushed the spirit of said stupid person by telling him that they are, in fact, super gay (ie: lame and filled with douchebaggery on an unprecedented scale).  To think a man was excited about these shoes fills me with some disappointment, but his reasoning was by far the funniest thing I’ve heard today.

“Humans were meant to walk barefooted.”

Let me explain why this is stupid, if I really need to.  Humans were meant to evolve; this includes invention – invention includes footwear.  Humans are not meant to do much of anything but eat, sleep, procreate and raise their spawn, and for the sake of fuck, we know most of them don’t even do the latter very well anyway.

Secondly, if you are wearing shoes, guess what that means.  It means you’re not barefoot, asswipe.  The fact that someone dumb enough to think these things were a good idea convinced you that because they have toes, they make you more barefoot than a pair of shoes without toes, is a pathetic commentary on what people will shell out nearly a hundred bucks for because God put all their brains in their feet.

Speaking of God, does anyone remember the episode of Married with Children where Al Bundy attempts to market the shoes worn by the Almighty?  “They have individual toes and socks built right in.”  he said, with a very disturbing look spreading across his face.  Look for it on Hulu, factor in how lame the setups for 90′s sitcom jokes could be, and finally think to yourself that someone basically marketed a non-religious version of the failed marketing gimmick employed by a fictional character purposely created to exhibit the traits of the typical dumb American guy.  You now have at least part of the recipe for inventing something as horrible as these shoes.

I rest my case.

This delightful nugget of information was brought to you by:  2nd in command, because it's all the power with less responsibility. Dispenser of verbal justice and handy with a game controller. More from this author

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