Digital Nightmares - HACK EDITION

Digital Nightmares is back with a special edition that our 5 readers will just go nuts over!  Now while the ‘Nightmares’ in Digital Nightmares has, in the past, consistently stood for outrageous difficulty regardless of the quality of gameplay, Hack Edition widens the playing field; the following games are nightmares because of the near-sacrilege it was to have created them in the first place.  They are hacks, the definition in this case being: ROMS that have been cosmetically altered to present different characters and/or themes than originally intended.  With that out of the way, let’s dip into what I found.

Note: Some of the ROMS didn’t make the final cut because of taste issues, such as one disgrace in particular packed in the rar titled Dick Kids, which features a hack of the old NES game Mc Kids (a McDonald’s themed game), in which naked child-like pixel blobs run from woodchucks with boners into disturbingly phallic shaped houses.  If that kind of thing is your cup of tea, you can go catch the northern end of a southbound train, you sick bastard.

Pussy City Pimps (River City Ransom hack)

River City Ransom is still one of my all time favorite pick up ‘n play games from the silver age of video games, so I naturally gravitated towards hacks of games I liked and am very familiar with.  Let’s have a look at PCP.  Essentially RCR with a perverted theme, PCP made me think it was designed by a lonely pothead whose sense of humor centers around the word ‘boobies’ and has yet to know the touch of a woman (ie: I’m not going to discriminate here, but there’s no way a chick created this mess).

In Pussy City Pimps, you fight gangs with names like the Premature Orgasms and the Limp Gays, every one of them sporting flaccid pixelated wangs from their jeans, the ladies going around with little to nothing at all.  Why?  Well have a look at the deep, award winning storyline to know the answer to that and other questions (like: can a monkey really code?):

That’s right, thePimps has taken my hoes.  Wow.  Someone must have brainstormed diligently with a whole fucking pool party’s worth of rocket scientists and movie giants to create such a compelling plot.  I bet you anything that arrogant prick M. Night Shyamlan was there wearing a speedo and admiring himself in a pocket mirror, distractedly suggesting he play the main character who goes on to change the world forever.  Seriously, Pussy City Pimps is almost as bad as Lady in the Water.

Can this be considered NSFW?

Quadruple Dragons (Final Fantasy hack)

Hey.  Have you ever imagined what would happen if a stoner reprogrammed the original NES Final Fantasy, only replaced graphics with random anatomy from Super Dodge Ball characters and left out key elements that make the game even remotely playable?  Well here it is!  It’s called Quadruple Dragons and it’s a mega-shit-ton of crusty, unshaven Fail that lives with its mom.  Within moments, the king informs you that you’re the last hope of the land, as “no one else can do it.  They’re all too stoned.  Laughs”  You couldn’t even write LOL?  It would have made more sense, seeing as the hacker hasn’t advanced past simple alphabet flash cards and soft food, much less stoner humor.  Laughs!

What do I want? How about some weapons, fuckface?

Ok, so leaving out the weapons in an RPG is no biggie right?  It could happen to anyone.  It doesn’t really factor into the bigger picture, which is – you’ll stop bothering way before you ever get to fight anything.  God, this is why weed needs to be illegal and possession of the shit to be punishable by playing this fucking thing.

Teenage Mammal Ninja Chipmunks (TMNT 2 hack)

I always hated Alvin and the Chipmunks when I was a kid.  I still hate them thanks to that godawful stupid fucking movie that has hopefully already been swept under the rug never to show its beady eyes to the public again.  No I didn’t watch it, I don’t need to.  I know it was all kinds of horrible just like the show, because the premise is the same.  You know what isn’t the same?  Putting Alvin, Simon, and Theodore in a burning building, each brandishing lethal weapons and fighting…… the Shredder.  Hacked from TMNT 2: The Arcade Game, TMNC had at least a little work put into it (the title graphics have more custom detail than the other games here), and the intro cracked me up if only for a moment:

HAhahahaha

But unfortunately, the designer seems to have given up even before the end of stage 1, never bothering to draw a helpless “ALLLLLVIN!”-shrieking Dave in the place of April O’Neil, with a lackluster bout of sweary words in the next stage’s intro, leading blankly into the end of a quick joke and a waste of brain cells… or not, but if you think I was going to play the whole game to find out, you can think again if you haven’t run into a tree because you’re so STUPID.  Fuck.

Nude Punch-Out!! (duh)

I winced a little when I saw this one.  Did someone remove the clothes from Punch-Out!! characters and add dicks?  Well, yes and no.  It seems one thing these hackers have in common is crippling laziness and didn’t quite understand how to get the frames to change and keep them that way and most of the time, the classic boxers don’t know whether to keep it on or take it all off.  I don’t care, the less pixelated wang I have to look at, the better.

“Well then why did you even play it, Warden?”  you may ask.

Good question!  I’ll give you two reasons.  A.) I’m perfectly comfortable in my heterosexuality to laugh at the horrible ideas of gay guys who couldn’t find naked images of these video game villains on the numerous, fucked up fan-art sites sprawling the internet, so they had to learn how to re-program ugly graphics to get their jollies.  2.) This image is just fucking hilarious:

Mama mia, I forgot-a how to-a count. Luigi!

This was about where I stopped playing, because the game couldn’t get any better than the pictorial evidence that Piston Honda really was a masochist after all.  Poorly hacked, greatly gay.  I play these abominations so that you don’t have to.  You’re welcome.

- Wells

PS – I hope I ruined your childhood. lol!

This delightful nugget of information was brought to you by:  2nd in command, because it's all the power with less responsibility. Dispenser of verbal justice and handy with a game controller. More from this author

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