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No Hero

Over the course of my life I’m made a few mistakes, who hasn’t?  The particulars aren’t terribly exciting, and frankly bore me to explain them.  Think the typical boy-meets-girl realizes girl is fucking insane and leaves girl (or gets left by said girl) fare.  Afterward you kinda feel like the world is over if you’re the one on the other end.  It reminds me of a line from a video game, Max Payne.  ‘There are only personal apocalypses, and nothing is a cliche when it’s happening to you.’  Oh how true those words are.  In all truth, in all these cases it’s my own fault for simply not seeing it coming.

Recently actually the ball started rolling early for once.  In other words, I saw the breakup coming like a freight train.

Jeen-o been-o wrote something on her personal blog over on Open Diary (oh how I thought I’d never go back to that place again) speculating about why relationships fail, I then posted the subsequent reply:

“I think in relationships, especially long ones, people tend to believe that they love someone when in fact they only love certain aspects of their personality and so in a very passive-aggressive way try to bend them towards their will. Which leads to friction, which leads to arguing, which if not confronted leads to either a kind of bitter acceptance or total failure of said relationship. Of course that’s just my particular experience on the subject, it also may have something to do with some people being inherently cowardly or unwilling to assert their own will and so succumbs to a sort of domination by the other party.”

I have moments, between my weirdness and internal chatter where thoughts like that just bubble up out of nowhere and hit me like a truck.  These moments only seem to come for me when I’m extremely tired.  For years I used to intentionally stay up late hoping to be able to calm my defective ADD brain to the point where I could actually produce focused thoughts.

That statement was very true.  So I sat back and thought hard about it, because if that came from somewhere inside my head then obviously I was speaking from experience. The truth was that I was dating someone who I was unhappy with, but in a very cowardly fashion didn’t want to directly confront with this fact.  So I bit the bullet and did it.  To be honest I felt really guilty at first, and after a few days that was replaced with the reality of the situation and I felt a lot better.   See, I have a problem.  I seem to believe that if I help others, even ones to whom I don’t even really like, somehow this will mean the cosmic juju forces that control fate will show me a smidgen of mercy. Which is why I dated my first long term GF, and this one.  I felt bad for them and arrogantly believed I could ‘save’ them because inside I couldn’t save myself from my toxic existence.   Savior complex, and it backfired magnificently.

You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to change.  You can’t reason with someone who by nature is unreasonable.  You can’t undo years of pain with a few good intentions.  I think I’ve finally figured that out, I’m no hero, and the truth is I don’t really want to be.  I’ve spent so much time trying to fix other people I’ve kinda neglected fixing my f-ed up life.  So yeah, after a nice mental hibernation period fallowing some serious IRL fallout I’m back in the command chair and ready to work on my writing and site again.  Hopefully this time for a more significant span of time.

 


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