Believe it or not, even during the tremendous lulls of this site where there were no updates there were plenty of ideas and half-written articles. Sorting thought my archives I came across one that stood out as a truly, truly, terrible idea. This was originally designed to be an article series, in some way, attempting to illustrate how terrible fast food is for you to eat, especially on a consistent basis. This, of course, is a relatively pointless message to try to convey. You’d have to be an idiot to think eating any of that crap is actually a good idea. There’s more studies and information about the dangers of fast, cheap, and processed foods out there that anything that I would do or say would only come off as either redundant or preachy.
That’s actually only part of the reason. The idea was, to ‘review’ each new fast food sandwich or product that came out and describe in detail the after-effects of consuming said product would be. The name of this article series, because I thought after eating some of these sandwiches that it was a real possibility I was going to die, was ‘Fast Food Suicide.’ Now, I’m not a paragon of health and fitness, but I don’t normally eat a lot of fast food. My general tendency is to cook my own meals at home, and in general I don’t eat a lot of extremely fatty or salty foods. I don’t even have cheese or breads that often. This is actually the perfect storm for fast food to come in and thoroughly wreak havoc on my guts. Thus there were some pros and cons to consider in such a writing endeavor.
– Could be humorous.
– Could serve as a warning.
– Could deter sales of certain fast-food products.
– I’d have to actually eat this crap.
– In addition I’d have to actually pay money to eat this crap.
– The after-effects are not always super unpleasant, but when they are… oh buddy.
– Do people really want to know in great detail that the triple baconator nearly made me die in the bathroom?
In the end, I did try four new fast food products. Below are the actual reviews I wrote up for three of them. The fourth I tried was that double-chicken sandwich that KFC made, but I never wrote a review for it. Forgive me for anything that is written beyond this point, and may god have mercy on my soul.
Fast Food Suicide: The Baconator, Double Baconator, and Triple Baconator
I saw a commercial on television a few days ago advertizing the latest future heart-attack fuel by our friends at Wendy’s ‘restaurants.’ The 100% beef, cheese, bacon and sauce slathered Baconator. A sandwich devised by the flavor engineers deep in the bowls of Wendy’s corporation whose namesake is actually a fairly accurate description of its probable effect on your heart and/or bowels. Though, unlike it’s name’s counterpart, the hardened fat gristle in your veins probably won’t arrive to save you from the reaper. As a matter of fact, intentionally or not, the titles of each subsequent attack on your general health and well-being sounds like a series of names you could give to each of your future strokes.
Obviously, such a sandwich is not designed to be consumed on a regular basis. The fast food industry is relatively adamant about this point, even though coming from them it’s bullshit. Their food is ‘sometimes’ food, that they deliberately engineer to be ‘tasty’ and addictive. It’s not really the food you crave though, it’s the salts, fats and cheeses. If anything most of these sandwiches are interchangeable. The whole intent is to create a sense of flavor and fulfillment not entirely unlike cigarettes do. Oh and 100% beef is a big fat lie, all you have to do to get a 100% beef rating by the FDA is to have a beef content of your product of 40%. The rest can be filler and it will still be considered ‘beef.’ A reasonable number might be closer to 75%-80% as far as I’m concerned, because beef does sometimes have a lot of fat in it naturally so that would at least compensate for the difference. Hell even 50% is better than 40%. I don’t know what genius in the FDA decided on that number, or maybe I should word it like this: I don’t know what genius lobbyist managed to bribe and/or convince the lawmakers who regulate the FDA that 40% is an acceptable number.
I also, in a kind of perverse way, viewed it as a challenge. I wanted to see what would happen if I were to eat these godforsaken sandwiches. If anything, the effects of this exercise in stupidity could make for an amusing article for the site. At least that’s what I told myself. Needless to say I thoroughly regret this decision. Over the course of three days I consumed one of these sandwiches, increasing the size each time like it was some sort of difficulty test for my digestive tract. To be fair and to ensure that I got as accurate of a sense of the overall quality, if such a word can even be applied to what I was about to eat, of each sandwich I deliberately ordered each one from a different Wendy’s so that way I’d know if one of them was a dud or poorly prepared. Thus we begin, with day one: The Baconator.
Day 1: Dawn of Baconator
The first thing I noticed upon taking a bite was how the beef really seemed to lack any discernible flavor of it’s own. Wendy’s beef patties are square, and as a result some of the sandwich sticks out from the bread. So in order to get to the other contents you have to sometimes bite through a veil of flavorless beef. It wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t good either. Once I got to the center the flavor definitely improved once you got the ketchup, mayo, cheese and bacon mixed in with the beef. If anything the bacon did a fairly decent job of covering up for the beef’s lack of any taste. The bacon itself, however, wasn’t really what you’d expect. It wasn’t crispy and fresh, it felt stale and half-cooked. It’s flavor was also fairly off. Probably sat under a heat lamp too long as started to gain the consistency of beef jerky, but this is just speculation from my experience from working at Wendy’s briefly when I was in my early 20s. The sandwich was not terrible, in that it tasted particular bad or repulsive, but it wasn’t delicious either. Just by piling on cheese and bacon you can’t expect them to do all the work if the main filler of the sandwich is so plain tasting.
Somehow the sandwich had no discernible after-effects. It was filling, it just wasn’t very good. 4/10.
Day 2: Double Trouble, Baconator’s Revenge
Everything I said about the regular baconator pretty much describes this one, only now there’s more of the same flavorless meat and cardboard bacon. Considering this is from a different location and everything is still the same I am beginning to suspect that this is what passes the quality standard for all the sandwiches.
Later in the evening my guts told me exactly what they thought of the extra level is garbage they were having to process, needless to say I need to invest in some bio-hazard warning signs. After eating one yesterday and having another today the meat was especially intolerable for it’s lack of flavor, and combined with the after-effects which happened a mere hour and a half after eating the thing, today’s score: 3/10.
Day 3: Baconator the Third, The Final Battle
Oh man, I can’t tell you how hard it was to get though a triple layer of flavorless beef. It started to feel like, after the previous two sandwiches, that I was chewing on lightly beef flavored rubber. This is the third different Wendy’s I’ve been to. The flavorless beef is definitely the norm. The bacon was thoroughly disgusting, especially after two days of eating it. Having to chew on the gummy bacon was pretty awful. It wasn’t unlike how I imagined eating a bag of sun-dried pig anuses would be. The nigh-excessive amount of it combined with the cheese probably easily shaved a week off my overall lifespan. With every bite I could hear the reaper sharpening his scythe and laughing, Satan tilling the coals, and my great-grandparents shaking their heads back and forth with disgust from the heavens.
The after-effects were pretty brutal. It felt like my body was trying to expel all my internal organs. I drank half a gallon of water just trying to recover from the loss of fluids alone. I spent damn near the rest of the night on the toilet cursing both the Baconator, it’s creators, and my own stupidity for not seeing this coming, or rather, for seeing it coming and still doing it anyway. What the fuck is wrong with me? Also 0/10, never again you bastards.
The lesson is clear kids, the baconator not only tastes mediocre at best, but it will probably cause you to die on the toilet just as fat and bloated as Elvis. Make a god damn Bubba Burger at home, put some bacon and cheese on top, and actually have something that tastes good at least if you are absolutely desperate for a fast cheeseburger. Avoid the Baconator at all costs.
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