Of all the things on the interbutts that I’ve ever encountered in my years, I find that there’s one particular fandom that stands out. Sure there’s otaku, cosplayers, furries, and role-players who all bring their own unique form of drama and cult like fervor for the target of their obsessions; however, it’s rare to find a fan base that combines so many to create a Frankensteinian horror to lurch it’s way through the internet like one of the great old ones breaking the bindings that hold them deep in the heart of the city of R’lyeh. A twisted amalgamation of sheer awkward stupidity that would put even the most ridiculous AOL roleplay profile to shame. I of course speak of that dreaded dreamless cult that sleeps deep in the bowels of the net. The cult of… and forgive me dear reader for some mild trepidation in calling for it’s name for fear they may be listening… Sonic the Hedgehog.
You heard me, Sonic the fucking Hedgehog. You see, the Sonic games themselves took a bizarre design turn somewhere between Sonic 3 and Sonic Heroes for the Dreamcast creating a huge number of furry-tastic side characters! For those of you who never grew up in the 90s or ever owned a Sega console, allow me to fill you in before we continue, Sonic was Sega’s answer to Nintendo’s Mario. Basically he was their mascot character, and from a gameplay perspective they were nothing alike. Mario games tend to be more focused on exploration, platforming, and occasional puzzle solving. Whereas Sonic games involved you basically trying to control a blue spinning ball as it rockets around like a small child that has been given a coffee enema. The levels were on rails and you’d just watch as your little blue ball rolled it’s way to the finish line. Exciting!
For some reason… reasons I have yet to determine the source of, Sonic has become extremely popular with furries. I found several pages that go on for extreme lengths about the history of the Sonic Fandom and how it’s apparently like the snake eating it’s tail or something like that, and aside from boring me to tears it never seemed to get into the part where it turned into the AOL Roleplay of this generation. Something needs to be done to stem the tide. Don’t believe me? Do me a favor. Navigate your way to Google/Bing and type your first name followed by ‘The Hedgehog.’ Go on, I’ll wait.
Oh, you’re back! Now you see exactly what I’m talking about. The furry community has latched on to this video game mascot with a bizarre fervor that I have yet to fully understand. All I know is that somewhere in the world someone is possibly erotic roleplaying with my name as a furry Sonic the Hedgehog ripoff character, and this disturbs me to the core. That ever elusive ‘why,’ chasing it has led me down a trail of fail that would put even the worst ex-Flame Town poster to shame. There are hundreds of characters, who their creators all claim are original, which are basically re-colors of Sonic the Hedgehog. Many of them are his ‘children’ or lovers, in some cases both. There’s immortal Hedgehogs, evil Hedgehogs, vampire Hedgehogs, and of course sexy erotic roleplay hedgehogs. Well, actually, sometimes you don’t need to be a hedgehog, they just seem to make up different combinations. Bunny hedgehogs, dog hedgehogs, walrus hedgehogs, the possibilities are endless!
This is Nudge the Lopunny. This is the Original Character of, what I can only hope, is a teenage girl. She is also a magical girl, with the ability to transform into an even more powerful bunny, girl, thing. Nudge’s back story, from her wiki page over at the 10,000+ page sonic fandom wiki seems to convey that the person who’s roleplaying her certainly understands the concept of what it takes to be a world class bitch. This character is described as ‘ghetto,’ reckless, crass, stupid, and with zero foresight. Basically a rampaging shitstorm of crazy, a not-uncommon attribute of the furry community at large.
Here are some quotes from this fine character:
“You gonna eat that?”
“Don’t you give me that B.S. about ‘helping people’ and ‘justice’.”
“Let me guess, you’re gonna save the world or some sh*t? What a noob!”
“Yeah, I’m like a munchlax/a stunky trapped in a lopunny’s body.”
“Wow, that sounds like a lota hard work, count me out.”
“Nah, I’ll do it when I FEEL like it.”
“Whatever, you don’t know me.”
*Belches loudly* “Did you say something?”
“Oh no you didn’t!”
“Oh, you wanna go, b!tch?”
“No s#%t, Sherlock!”
“And I should care because………….”
As for this character’s dislikes it reads almost like a manifesto conceived by a dark council consisting of all my ex-girlfriends.
“Being told what to do, rules, authority, people trying to get her to change, being told she is fat, being exploited, being judged, being told to act like a lady, girly activities (most of the time), chores, work, low fat/diet foods, people touching her fur, people only noticing her big bottom or her breasts, shedding her fur, perverts, country music, intolerance/prejudice, being falsely accused, etiquette, things she finds boring or too girly, romance books/movies, dolls, dresses, skirts, losing, what she calls “noobs”, wannabe heroes, goody-two-shoes, show-offs, suck-ups, neat freaks, know-it-alls, thin girls (mostly), and peppy girly girls (what she calls “Barbies”).”
She’s a sassy bunny girl that don’t need no man and don’t follow your rules! You better not DARE judge her even though she’s a judgmental uber-bitch on steriods, and you better respect her even if she’s a lazy, greedy, and generally useless creature that’s only contribution to the universe seems to be annoying everyone else around her. Yup, typical furry. I haven’t seen so much poorly written hood ‘tude since I was forced to watch Bebe’s Kids when I was in grade school. Holy fuck, it’s like the idiot who dreamed this inane garbage up wrote the character based entirely off afternoon TV reruns of Maurey while stuffing her face full of pork rinds she purchased at the 7-11 with an EBT card.
The best part is that this girl is not a mere Sonic crossover character. She’s a trifecta from Pokemon, Anime, and Sonic, all wrapped up in one horrifically unoriginal and racially stereotypical package. Nudge has appeared in such famous works of literature as Cries of the Fursona and The Blitz Pit World Tournament 2013, and we at Nonpersons really wish she would stop. Speaking of Literature, you can’t talk about the Furry Cult of Sonic unless you talk about… fanfics, and there’s no greater fanfic writer in the entire fandom than that Shakesperian mastermind Patrick the Hedgehog.
Patrick the Hedgehog is the fursona of a guy by the name of Chris Parker, a self-described “True Christian” who seems to have some conflicting tastes in well, everything. As his profile page describes, his likes are very particular. Apparently his favorite visual artist is ‘ME,’ his favorite bands include “daft punk, jay z, dubstep, michael jackson, r kelly, wacka flocka flame, tyrone thugalicous, lil wayne, linkin park, limp bizkit,” and his favorite writers are ‘ME AGAIN.’ As you can see, to the right is one of his glorious artistic masterpieces. Ah yes, the famous ‘Sonic The Hedgehog Rip-Off Character Battle Pose’ a truly timeless piece of art. I hear they vacuum seal it nightly in the Louvre and keep it in an air tight housing next to a bust of the artist known to us plebes as Christian Von Parkercles the Third. It’s easy to see how this simple yet elegant MS Paint marvel is so coveted by art collectors and critics alike, it practically brings a tear to my eye just to gaze at it’s majesty. Oh wait, that’s blood.
The fact that this delusional fool believes that he’s actually a talented artist is in and of itself a kind of pitiful irony. His MS Paint scrawlings only get more hilarious the further you delve into his extremely original and well-written fanfic titled ‘BURNING SOUL.’ There are 8 Chapters to this literary abortion, so far, and if there truly is a god he’ll show the world mercy and smite Chris before he gets to 9. Though 9 chapters would have been more fitting, after all there are 9 circles in hell and reading through this thing in it’s entirety has been painful enough that even Dante himself would be begging for it to just end.
In the 8 chapters of BURNING SOUL, Patrick saves Sonic’s girlfriend Amy from evil DEMONHOGS from another dimension, becomes a cyborg, defeats Robotnik and Sonic, fights alongside a vampire hedgehog, and ultimately gets the girl. It’s a fun romp the whole family can enjoy! Allow me to share with you some of my favorite excerpts from this lovely fiction masterpiece. Also, keep in mind that Chris is an artist and he doesn’t need (or seem to understand) pesky things like line breaks or paragraphs. Each chapter is presented as one giant blob-o-text. I have included his various works of art to enhance the effect, you’re welcome.
“amy and sonic were on a normal date in the green hill zone. amy was very happy because she was in love with sonic and sonic loved her too. sudeenly they heard an explosion and they looked and saw robotnik in a mech! “
“hello there sexy…” she turned and saw an evil looking red demonhog coming towards her. he was on fire and his eyes were glowing like the devils. “can you help me?” she asked. “hahaha, yes i can help you sexy…”
WHY AM I ON FIRE, AND WHY AM I HOLDING THIS TOOTHBRUSH?!
“he grabbed one demonhog and threw him into the lava “AAAAAAAAAA!!” he screamed as he died. “now its your turn ” he said with a badass deep voice and the other demonhog ran away scared. he turned and looked at amy who was blushing.”
“who is sonic?” asked patrick. “he is a hedgehog like you.” “im not just a hedgehog… you see my eyes?” and he pointed to his glowing red eye. his fur was all red on it. (see the pic) “im only half hedgehog.. and half demonhog…!”
Death by Pizza Sauce.
“sonic, he killed patrick!” “who?” asked sonic as he looked at patrick who was coverd in blood on the ground. “he saved me!” said amy. “well i’ve saved you now.” said sonic as he left with amy. after everyone had left, robotnik got back up.
I’d like to note that I find it hilarious that after he saved her they just left him on the ground in a crumpled heap to die.
“what the hell?! you’re the one who tried to kill me, bastard!” robotnik laughed and looked at patrick. “yes i did, but you survived… no normal person could survive that… then i realized it was your demonhog DNA… it makes you stronger. so i decided i would use you! i healed you and took control of you with my robotic body parts!!!”
“what do you mean?!” she demanded. “robotnik… he healed me, by making me this monster!” sonic got into a fighting stance. “that bastard saved you?!” “sonic no!” said amy. “i have to do what he says… or the machine parts will electrocute me!”
This is my final form!
“YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!!” yelled patrcik and suddenly he started turning red! all the grass near him caught on fire and he flew up with a firetrail and he crashed into the mech and cut straught through the middle of it and it crashed! robotnik crawled out and yelled “HOW ARE YOU DOING THIS YOU BASTARD? YOU SHOULD BE DEAD FOR BETRAYING ME!” “when i get really mad… i become SUPER DEMONHOG PATRICK, AND NOW YOU CANT HURT ME!” and he began to punch robotnik over and over
“I JUST DONT’ KNOW WHAT GOING TO HAPPEN?” “What do you mean Amy?” They both sat on a bench close together. “because robotnik is dead and WE FOUGHT SONIC!”
You know what? I think Twilight might actually be a better love story than this.
“I have never loved anyone Amy. the only people in the dimension of darkness are other demonhogs and they are pure evil.”
They ran into an ally and saw a giant red flaming monster. It was about to kill a girl! It was… A DEMONHOG! “HOW DID YOU GET HERE MONSTER?!” Yelled patrick! Suddenly a sword flew through the air and cut its head off! Out from the shadows came a man with black hair and a black coat. He picked up the sword and smiled. “My name is William Akira… I know where they are coming from!”
“Oh… does that mean you will go through it and go back home??” she sounded very sad. “I’m sorry but I have to. I do not belong in your diminsion.”
“THEN WE NEED TO GO PUT THE EMERALD BACK IN THE CASTLE OF DARKNESS AND IT WILL ALL BE FIXED!!” Yelled Patrick.
William smiled and showed them his katana. IT HAD AN EMERALD IN THE BLADE!
“SO YOU THINK YOU HAVE WON?? I WILL NEVER LET YOU OPEN YOUR EVIL PORTALS… AND YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH THE BASTARD WHO STOLE AN EMERALD!” It was… SONIC!!!! AND HE WAS READY TO FIGHT!
“DAMN IT AMY THEY ARE EVIL BASTARDS WORKING FOR THE DEMONHOGS!” As sonic yelled this it was starting to get late and it was almost nighttime. “NO SONIC! THEY ARE GOOD AND ARE TRYING TO CLOSE ALL THE PORTALS!!” Yelled Amy back at him.
Sonic: “I would beleive you but YOU BROKE UP WITH ME! I FREAKING LOVE YOU!”
William: “It was the only way to close the portals fool! Now I will kill you if you don’t get out of here!” And Sonic knew he would do it so he said “FINE! BUT I WILL STOP YOU BASTARDS! AND I WILL LET EVERYONE KNOW THAT AMY IS EVIL NOW!”
Yup, that’s a vampire hedgehog alright.
William laughed smartly and suddenly he changed into a gray hedgehog with fangs! “Oh my God!” Said amy and patrick. “Don’t worry. I am a good vampire hedgehog but I had to use my power. Now i will get them!”
I nearly blacked out laughing at this line, for the record.
Why does her boob have a mouth?
“It is fine Amy but I have never been kissed before. What about Sonic??” Amy was sad and said “I don’t know but I think I love you Patrick!” AAnd Patrick spoke “I have never loved anyone before but I love you Amy!!!” And he kissed her!!!!!!
Pat: “That’s a good idea! But I think first we need to get me some weapons! I am tired of having to fight the evil demonhogs with my bare hands.” Amy giggled cutely and spoke “I know where we can get you some awesome guns!” She held his hand and brought him to a gun store and he bought two big pistols! “Haha I would like to see anyone fight me now!” Said Patrick. “You look sexy with your guns” Said Amy and she blushed and kissed him. “Hehe, you always look cute Amy.”
I think I puked a little. I can’t take anymore, I tap.
I’m not entirely sure what the artists and writers of the world did to this poor soul to make him hate anything good like this, but it must have been bad. I’m talking full-on rampaging army of fursuited artists breaking into your house and raping your family to death then forcing you to act in some sort of twisted marionette show with their corpses bad. The type of bad that’s so graphically violent even American TV won’t air it. Because that’s the only thing that could justify to me someone writing something this fucking stupid deliberately.
As I’ve mentioned there are 10k+ pages on the sonic fanon wiki, several thousand on deviant art, and 5k+ on another sonic wiki. There are many, many, many more profiles and stories like the ones above out there. Sega may be dead as a console developer, but that hasn’t seemed to stop their mascot from acting as the poster child for a virtual army of creepy retarded emo furry fanboys and girls. Now that’s some staying power right there. I’ll leave you with an advert I came across for an erotic roleplay session involving Sonic and friends.
This is a very erotic and sexual version of the Sonic game that is probably still one of the good games of the 3D era, despite bad aging. This time, it might have a story but it’s going to be super sexual and horny based. The conditions for this RP are these.
No clothing exists in this world. Sonic and friends go around naked and sex is allowed wherever.
All characters, even from games that they hadn’t come in, are allowed. Blaze, Sally, Marine, Cosmo, any of those kinds of characters. Just bring ’em in and let’s have fun.
No rape whatsoever! I don’t like rape and I will stop the RP if you are going to try and goad me into it.
All characters are above 16 years of age. I don’t want to be busted for having someone like Cream the Rabbit in and having her as “six”, meaning that it would be cub based or child based and I would be landed in some serious shit. I’d rather not have that happen here.
Story WILL be sexual, if there is a “story” at all. This is for us to have fun and yes, stories are fun. I have another set of RPing requests up for either/or. This one is for purely erotic purposes.
No cub based ERP? Count me out.
This delightful nugget of information was brought to you by: Dr. Repose: The site's wanna-be author, professional jerk, monster who's dead on the inside, and semi-proud owner. More from this author