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Pioneered primarily by EverQuest way back in 1999, the MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game) market skyrocketed to unprecedented heights of popularity with the release and gradual fine-tuning of World of Warcraft, but after many years of WoW’s design system dominating the genre… well, the ‘tried and true’ has become the ‘been there, done that’. Far from being one to criticize the depth, variety or user friendliness of the game, I’ve also noticed that WoW is a dangerous mold in which far too many other developers put their faith and expect to achieve similar results. On the contrary, the results are endlessly bland copycats that hope to dethrone Blizzard’s long running cash cow and fail on every level.
Let’s be honest, competition is only a good thing if the challenger offers and encourages innovation, NOT the same basic game skeleton with far less going for it in terms of lore, attitude, and charm. We can use a lot of games for this example, but we’ll pick a random title from the hat of randomness.
Cabal Online is a poorly executed MMO in the style of WoW, but it doesn’t have the marketability or variety to compete. In addition, it’s a F2P (Free to Play) title with minimal GM interaction; in fact, when starting in the opening area of the game, player chat is virtually impossible to distinguish from the epileptic flood of gold spammers. When you actually get into combat, you’ll feel like maybe those gold spammers you left behind were the best part of this travesty. Clunky, colorless, and uncoordinated is no way to go through life, Cabal Online.
Aion is probably a fairer comparison, since the game includes a subscription fee and at the very least, GM’s who monitor spam (if not their own sadistic behavior). The graphics are amazing too. However, as I played I saw too many similarities to WoW than made me comfortable, leading me to believe that it too was another level grind that was dependent on time spent and gear earned, and little in the way of actual skill. Where WoW succeeds in using this formula to attract the casual gamer, Aion abused it and early super-geared players were practically gods in the PVP zones (ie: most of the game maps). Click this icon, watch a fight animation take place, fall asleep, repeat. Insult to injury was added when NCSoft totally fucked up the game’s faction balance around the same time as the new patch was released, enraging many players to the point where they no longer play this beautiful, gold coated, diamond encrusted piece of crap (Hi Mr. Repose!). Golf clap.
But wait, there’s good news. Flash forward to 4th quarter 2010 – early next year, when a game that claims to be changing a lot of what makes MMO’s so dull, is being released at last. A long time in the making, Guild Wars 2 is set to change how we view the traditional MMO in very certain terms that the developers have been more than happy to talk to the public about (not always a common happening). In various interviews and developer logs, the makers of GW2 have already unveiled more innovations per article than most MMO’s have bothered to consider since 2004. What does this mean for the finished product? Well the great thing about MMO’s that initially deliver on the hype is that, with their funding taken care of for the foreseeable future, any ideas that could not be implemented due to time constraints will follow along shortly after release in the form of patches. Even if GW2 fails to make good on every single last little promise, it won’t spell doom for them as it would a lesser company’s hard work. ArenaNet, the creators of the original Guild Wars (which is still updating its content and holiday events to this day), have always put 110% effort into their projects, and even if I personally thought the first game had a few major functionality issues (ie: no jump button? On-rails mountain paths that you can’t fall off of? What happened to gravity?), it still remains a solid game that can be played without a monthly fee.
And what does that mean, boys and girls?
Click to continue reading “Guild Wars 2 set to reinvent MMORPGS.”
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It would appear that as a result of NP’s frequently submitted video game-related articles, the site has drawn the attention of gamers around the world, to which we say “Big deal”, but even we were shocked recently to be contacted by a man decked out in stylish fashions who may or may not have claimed to work for NCSoft, makers of hugely successful games like Guild Wars, Lineage, and Aion. Seriously, I’m not making this up. To prove it, here’s an interview!
Warden Wells: Hi, and welcome to Nonpersons. So Mr. Repose tells me that you refuse to leave until you are satisfied that your message is appropriately conveyed to fans, claiming you may or may not work for NCSoft.
 Ayep. That’s right. I work for NCSoft, pubrisha of a-huge games you rikey pray. We all super cool.
WW: Okay. Well I have to admit, I always wondered if we could get a game developer on the site for a Q&A, but NCSoft? That’s pretty amazing. So I guess I better get with the Q.
Ayep. I didn’t come here for yo goddamn shit. You waste enough time and space making huge brack bar on my Asian face. Rookit all dat waste of brack. Pitiful.
WW: Sure. So what’s your favorite game?
Well, you probably not know about Koreans since you just dumb American retard pray Madden games all day, but we have game called Starcraft, very new wave. Hip unrike your shirt. Pray onrine all day, score super hot babies. Yeaaaah!
WW: I know about Starcraft. It’s outdated and not very fun if you ask me.
You could-a get seriourousry kirred in my country for talking so much nonsensy shit, Warden a-Whitewells. Starcraft best game ever. Kim Jong Il invent dat like toaster, internet porn, and chibi. Do not upset grorious reader!
WW: Let’s talk about NCSoft’s games, and the ideal of Korean game developers in general. What’s the difference between your games and those of Japan and the more western countries?
JAPAN?? Japan don’t know goddamn shit about games, too busy stuffing octopus in womb to pay special attention to most powerful game erement of rife.
WW: So what is the secret of Korean game development then? Note: POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD!
Click to continue reading “Grind Wars – Secrets of Korean Game Developers Revealed!”
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So if you’ve been on the internet for more than 60 minutes, you’ve already witnessed what are arguably the most hilariously exploitative, dishonest, and just plain bad “free online game” advertisements in history. IN HISTORY. I dare you to find something more pitiful and repugnant than the misleading boobs-a-poppin’ flash/banner ads for Evony, a game that’s making its money off of horny retards and fans of the Civilization games who may or may not know that they’re playing a clone of it……. and that, despite the promises of Evony’s snake oil peddling advert department, is completely lacking in anything racy or even slightly arousing, or even slightly original.
Like most people, I saw the ads and laughed them off in hopes they would go away, but at first glance it’s pretty difficult not to notice a chasm of massive, yawning cleavage threatening to claim your last iota of attention as you’re checking your email.
 Don't fall in. Don’t worry though, Evony’s degrading ad campaign wasn’t just the willy nilly scheming of a random mail room scamp, it took a lot of effort to photoshop girls from low budget pornos into these things. True story; at least one ad had images ripped directly from the cover of “Girls Playing with Girls 102″ (thanks to John Kershaw of Negative Gamer for this highly amusing and disgraceful information):
 
Great job, Evony. You have lured countless stupid people to a boring game by pandering to their most primal of desires. It’s not like no accomplished this lazy tactic with some success in the past, but a lot of that happened in the 90′s and the games were actually kind of fun. This game is a portal to your wallet guarded by a chick in her underwear.
That’s right, not only are there no hot bods in Evony (previously named Civony – the Civilization Ripoff), but they practically harass you into paying for in-game premiums and advantages over the other bored retards, using real cash. So I have to laugh at people who spend hundreds of dollars on something they didn’t even want to begin with, all because of their genitals and their inability to log off once they’ve gone through the arduous task of making a name and password for yet another site.
Congratulations, internet. You’ve outdone yourself.
- Wells
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Digital Nightmares is back with a special edition that our 5 readers will just go nuts over! Now while the ‘Nightmares’ in Digital Nightmares has, in the past, consistently stood for outrageous difficulty regardless of the quality of gameplay, Hack Edition widens the playing field; the following games are nightmares because of the near-sacrilege it was to have created them in the first place. They are hacks, the definition in this case being: ROMS that have been cosmetically altered to present different characters and/or themes than originally intended. With that out of the way, let’s dip into what I found.
Note: Some of the ROMS didn’t make the final cut because of taste issues, such as one disgrace in particular packed in the rar titled Dick Kids, which features a hack of the old NES game Mc Kids (a McDonald’s themed game), in which naked child-like pixel blobs run from woodchucks with boners into disturbingly phallic shaped houses. If that kind of thing is your cup of tea, you can go catch the northern end of a southbound train, you sick bastard.
Pussy City Pimps (River City Ransom hack)
River City Ransom is still one of my all time favorite pick up ‘n play games from the silver age of video games, so I naturally gravitated towards hacks of games I liked and am very familiar with. Let’s have a look at PCP. Essentially RCR with a perverted theme, PCP made me think it was designed by a lonely pothead whose sense of humor centers around the word ‘boobies’ and has yet to know the touch of a woman (ie: I’m not going to discriminate here, but there’s no way a chick created this mess).
In Pussy City Pimps, you fight gangs with names like the Premature Orgasms and the Limp Gays, every one of them sporting flaccid pixelated wangs from their jeans, the ladies going around with little to nothing at all. Why? Well have a look at the deep, award winning storyline to know the answer to that and other questions (like: can a monkey really code?):
That’s right, thePimps has taken my hoes. Wow. Someone must have brainstormed diligently with a whole fucking pool party’s worth of rocket scientists and movie giants to create such a compelling plot. I bet you anything that arrogant prick M. Night Shyamlan was there wearing a speedo and admiring himself in a pocket mirror, distractedly suggesting he play the main character who goes on to change the world forever. Seriously, Pussy City Pimps is almost as bad as Lady in the Water.
Click to continue reading “Digital Nightmares – HACK EDITION”
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Popularity: 26% [?]
The personal life of the Warden is fraught with excitement, explosions, and madness, but also brimming with friendship, love and hooters. Once in a while, though, some dopey punching bag tries to mess with this delicate blend of awesomeness and inevitably faces my heady wrath. I say! The story of one such bag begins when I happened upon a woman via a chance meeting; a woman of pure heart and gentle motives, such a woman that no man in his right mind would turn away. Unfortunately, she was married. This seemed to be the conclusion to a tale scarcely begun, and I accepted this with disappointment weighing heavily on my shoulders…
But wait.
I was to discover some time later on that this lovely lady, let’s call her Francine – because her real name is nothing even remotely as horrible – that Francine was unfulfilled in her marriage with Irving – not his real name either, but appropriately dorky and lame just like him – she was downright depressed, in fact. Over the course of what must have seemed like an eternity but amounted to 7 years, their so-called union had deteriorated to the point that Irving spent more time fulfilling himself and his appetite for material possessions than his own wife. She no longer wanted to be with him, and had decided so long before I knew her.
Why would a woman want to leave her husband of 7 years, a husband who makes thousands of dollars a month despite his own grossly lacking personality traits? Because she can do better, that’s why. She can do the Warden. All night long, baby. That’s more than I can say for you, Limpy.
Yet the problem persists. See, Irving isn’t a man, for a man has a backbone and a set of balls, two things Irving is missing. For all the talk he makes in bitter chatter with friends at tupperware parties over a loss that is no one’s fault but his own, the words that get back to others that know the true nature of Francine are met with harsh criticism. In other words, he’s all talk and when people tell him to grow up and shut up, Irving backs down like the bitch that he is.
A few notable things for you to take into consideration, Irving, is that I know that you’re upset, I know that you’re feeling the sting of a woman leaving you because you took her for granted, and I know that since she did all the work around your lovely, empty home, either you’re going to be living in a filthy heap, OR actually break down and pay a housekeeper to clean up after you, laughing quietly to herself while she takes your money.
You know what that last part is like though, don’t you pal? Despite the fact that you rake in over four grand a month, you still took money from your wife’s half of the joint bank account. You know what kind of people do this, Irving? Greedy scumbags who lose their wives! Congratulations.
In addition to this, you like to spread the word that she left you for another man, inciting people to anger and distrust of your soon to be officially EX wife, even though this is false information, and in fact blatant slander. You know what kind of people do this, Irving? Petty, bitter assholes that lose their wives and only have all male parties now to talk shit about her, going so far as to let them change her MSN status to something offensive, and then pretend you had no control over it. Congratulations.
Finally, one of the most despicable things I’ve had to hear about is the fact that you used a beloved pet of Francine’s against her because you knew in your heart that you had lost utterly. The tears she cried were real, and you are no longer considered a fucking human being for what you tried to do: again, going so far as to lie to the SPCA in order to get them to accept her animals, because you knew it would hurt her. You disgust me. The best part is, you have allowed yourself to become a mockery of all that a man should strive to be to a woman, and not only did the SPCA tell you where to shove it, but now she has been reunited with her kitten. You have no idea how hard I laughed when your dreams of petty vengeance in haste ended with egg on your face, you miserable pile of shit. lol
Ah, but at least her father shares your enthusiasm for making her feel guilty for loving someone who is worth more than his bank account. Maybe the two of you can start a pity party or He Man woman hater’s club. Knowing that he too is a neglectful, abusive fuck, it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to imagine.
Your shame was earned, and it is truly justified. But I’ll be sure to let you know of her fulfillment in other ways you just couldn’t manage.
- Wells
PS: Yeah, I heard about the buddy of yours who told you to “mail me a bullet” (ie: to show me he could have meant business if he wanted to).
This is my response:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *cough* AHAHAHA!!!
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Popularity: 15% [?]
LOS ANGELES — An Illinois insurance executive who secretly shot nude videos of ESPN reporter Erin Andrews was sentenced Monday to 2½ years in prison after giving a tearful apology that was harshly rebuked by his victim.
Michael David Barrett pleaded guilty in December to interstate stalking after prosecutors accused him of following the reporter to at least three cities and shooting the videos through hotel peepholes – Associated Press
The above news snippet tells part of the tale of Erin Andrews’ personal tragedy, in which both she and the family of her stalker are left torn and in disbelief, but how many people would criticize her in her most desperate hour? Personally, while I actually agree with Andrews that 30 months is an insufficient jail sentence for Barrett and that he’s a deviant pervert who probably smells bad, I was irritated to see mentions of her integrity. Ms. Andrews apparently followed in her father’s footsteps to become a reporter, all her life attempting to emulate the joy he found in getting the scoop, telling the world… the only difference being, her father most likely never posed in a bikini in FHM, seductively pointing his pouting lips at the end of a pool stick as though it were a penis, then acted shocked when he received *gasp* unwanted attention.
Andrews is a beautiful woman, no doubt about it; tall, blonde, full of life and intelligent, but one has to wonder what she was thinking when she willingly made herself a sex symbol and stupidly expected to remain an equally respected reporter as well. Guys respect her tits and ass, let’s face it. An ugly woman could do her job just fine.. but where once a stray catcall could have come from the crowd at one of her games, the fired up male (and female) fans who have no qualms about searching out the infamous videos can now say they’ve seen every little bit of Erin she managed to (barely) cover in her magazine appearances, and have taken to shouting lewd advances from the sidelines.
Wow, just think if she had just kept her clothes on. What she tried to attain here was celebrity status, not reporter status. Her looks would have made her exceedingly popular from the start, but showing off her assets was never a sound plan. This is the image of a hard working, genuine sports reporter who doesn’t just want ridiculous fame and a fatter check:
 - The reporter hard at work!
PROTIP TO ERIN ANDREWS: You’re not a model, you’re a reporter, and you’re a stupid, stupid bitch. Keep your shirt on and report.
There will be many who disagree with me on this, but you know what? I hope so, because you’re probably a fuckwit and there’s nothing I like better than knowing I’m nothing like you… or Erin Andrews. She even knows people who agree with me.
“I had to deal with a lot of people who said I deserved it, that I had played to a certain audience.”
Yeah Erin, and those people are commonly referred to as sane, and logical. All that money and education never stopped her from degrading women while in the venerable position to show that they can do something that doesn’t require them to take off their clothes. And you did it anyway. Erin Andrews, you fail.
- Wells
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Popularity: 19% [?]
Over the course of the past six months, I’ve had a lot of seat time with my favorite MMO – World of Warcraft, arguably one of the most addictive and well constructed PC games of its time, but not all of the experiences have been rosy. When I began playing WoW again after a year or so hiatus, I was initially thrilled to put on my winter wardrobe to battle the undead legions of the Lich King in the frozen wasteland of Northrend, but then I realized Blizzard made a critical expansion error.
Death Knights.
See, the balance of WoW has been kept in check by a variation of classes that are built from the ground up. Starting at level 1, a paladin player will, presumably, learn the ropes on his/her way to the current level cap (as of now, 80). This can be said for most classes, with the exception of Death Knights, who begin at level 55 and practically have everything handed to them, particularly the false ideal that they are good at everything because their starting armor is better than yours. This has led to a whole new generation of frustration.
The problem with Death Knights is not simply limited to the fact that your kid can roll one on your account as long as you’ve gotten at least one character to level 55, thereby bypassing any knowledge of how to actually play in a massively populated online game, no. In addition to that, DK’s are just not very balanced. They are OP (overpowered) in their starting levels, but have a limited choice of spells and skills, making them utterly boring to play as. A friend and I both made the decision within the past few days to delete our Death Knights because frankly, we agreed that they’re not very fun to play. So basically, a Death Knight is Blizzard’s way of saying thank you to their loyal players over the years by introducing a class that a retard can have grouping with you in the Dungeon Finder within a day and in their off-time enjoys slamming square pegs into circular shaped holes while grunting. Two of the most popular and well known DK’s on the server I play on are almost always in Trade chat, shooting the breeze, they’re that bored.
Pros of being a DK: Plate armor
Cons of being a DK: Everything else
Click to continue reading “Death Knights: Not to be taken seriously.”
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Popularity: 20% [?]
Hey, you know what Family Guy, American Dad, and The Cleveland Show all have in common? Assuming you’ve even heard of the Cleveland Show by now and have also NOT committed suicide knowing it exists, I’ll tell you: all three are the projects of a guy named Seth MacFarlane. Seth, after an attempt in the 90′s to make children’s cartoons (and failing miserably), was eventually responsible for Family Guy, a mostly garbled animated sitcom with a lot of pointless pop culture references and segues that veer straight off a cliff into the unfunny unknown. The show’s low percentage of actual humor is countered by shock laughs, sex gags, and uncomfortable subjects that kids shouldn’t be watching, but probably are because hey, it’s a cartoon right? Cartoons can’t be bad.
Warning: Cartoons can be bad. Very bad.
See, the thing about MacFarlane’s humor is that it’s funny to him and was never very funny to anyone but him, until he convinced a lot of idiots that his formula was a display of utter brilliance and laughs, the same idiots that still watch the Simpsons hoping it will ever be as good as it once was, and even then it was overrated. The allure of making an animated sitcom is hey, you can make your characters do practically anything without worrying about budget or props, and thanks to MacFarlane, they can say anything they want too, much to the dismay of people who aren’t impressed by constant flashbacks, and those who don’t drag their knuckles when they walk. Can anyone count the number of times in one episode without losing track, just how many times Peter “remembers the time” he <did something zany> with <famous person>? If you said yes, there’s a good chance you’re a liar, seeing as sitting through an entire episode of that shit means you probably can’t count nearly that high.
The sad thing is, Family Guy is his best show. It gets the most attention from writers and advertisers and as much as I hate to admit this, has a broader base to build upon than something like American Dad or The Cleveland Show. (Trivia: The theme song originally contained a line referring to Cleveland’s “happy black-guy face,” but this was replaced with “happy mustached face” to make the song more racially sensitive.[8])
They actually changed the song to an animated Blaxploitation sitcom to be more “racially sensitive”. Amazing. Even if by some miracle this show does not get canceled, its fans can feel dead on the inside knowing that they kept a humorless husk plodding along.
Click to continue reading “Seth MacFarlane, you’re not funny. Give it up.”
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It’s a fair question, isn’t it? While it’s true that many of these “authors” are not being paid for their work, and even the ones who are become uncannily lazy in the alluring bask of fame, that’s just no excuse to publish shitty content to your audience simply because you know they have no better expectations than what you have to offer. During an enlightening conversation with Mr. Repose, I decided I could do much worse than to expose some of the reasons that the vast majority of webcomics will probably always be lamesauce.
Sadly, the first word that comes to my mind when I think of webcomics is not “funny”, but rather “failure”. In a virtual world where most people have no personality decipherable from some other blockhead sitting two seats down on one of the other library computers, some of these boring, unfulfilled sheep use the vast array of 5 or 6 genuinely “unique” characters on countless webcomics to make themselves feel that they can identify with someone… even if they’re not real. Then when someone they met online asks them what they’re like in real life, they can have a lie at the ready:
Billyskater93: I’m like Brandon, the super cool guitarist in METALCOMIC. Here’s a link to his bio.
SallyJuniperxoxo: That’s so awesome! Do you play guitar? ^_^;
Billyskater93: I’m learning. Also I’m thinner than Brandon. LOL!!
One idiot lying to another idiot. The fact is that Brandon’s clone looks nothing like the character would look as a real person, and is in fact 260 lbs. and his knowledge of guitars is that he’s seen them on MTV. Oh and Sally is probably a guy.
It’s not a problem when you compare yourself to a fictional character, lots of people do that, but when you give someone an unrealistic outlook about you and start to believe that you’re successful and awesome simply by the virtue of optimism, this can only lead to disappointment.
Another strong selling point to readers and simultaneously, the most obnoxious thing about webcomics, is the attitude. Never before have cocky expressions and raised eyebrows received so much undue popularity outside of an animated film produced by Dreamworks. In some comics, that’s the whole fucking punchline! An “edgy” look of disgust, hate, and/or confusion. You know, if these guys just didn’t bother trying to come up with filler, we could all enjoy webcomics for what they really are:
Click to continue reading “Hey, why do webcomics suck so much?”
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Popularity: 16% [?]
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