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Apart from a few graphic novels and essentially noncanonical works of comic-related fiction (ie: films like the Dark Knight), it’s been nearly a decade and a half since I’ve bothered to invest much attention in the comic book world or its ridiculous, bloodthirsty fandom. Nevertheless, the inevitable references to established characters of the genre occasionally make their way into other hobbies of mine, and into Google query results even when I’m not looking for them. It’s precisely that concept that led me to write this article.
It’s not a big secret that I’m not so much a fan of comic books themselves as I am a keen observer of some of the interesting characters that have been introduced in their pages; with possible exception to books like The Tick, I find little value in just picking up a comic book to read if it’s part of a longer-running, convoluted storyline that I’m going to be neither interested in hunting down nor willing to part with the money for, to find out what happens next. Many of my favorite comic book moments as a kid were one shot issues with more edgy yet generally simple artwork without the superfluous inclusion of chains and shitty anatomy (hi Todd McFarlane!), because more often than not, these stories had more personality than the standard spandex wearing superzeroes could provide.
That’s why I found it both depressing and hilarious to note how the members of Comic Vine take a collective steaming wee wee on the entire roster of potentially awesome characters by reducing them to what they can do in a fight, because apparently that’s all comic book mainstays are suited for. It’s like arguing with my friends back in grade school about which video game system was better. Hence, comic book fans can be really fucking stupid. Just take a look at one of the main draws of Comic Vine – the ability to vote on randomly generated fights between superheroes, supervillains, Vegeta, and God. You know, I swear I’ve seen this before somewhere. Hmmm. Oh that’s right…
Kittenwar.com
Aw geez, I always feel bad voting on one kitty over another one, they’re all so snuggly wuggly! Comic book fans of today apparently feel the same confliction when they see Superman vs. pretty much anyone. And if you thought I was joking when I said Vegeta and God, just click the Powers link at the top of the page, and prepare for incoming douchebaggery of the highest order. According to this scientific device, the Lich King’s powers of necromancy are greater than those of Alice Cooper, but not enough to best Rob Zombie. Wow.
That’s not the best part though;
Click to continue reading “I heard it through the Comic Vine”
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A while back, Gamespot.com began a tier-based, vote-fueled, completely fraudulent and utterly retarded popularity contest called “All Time Greatest Game Villain” that would result in much whining and disappointment, this article included. However, as someone who grew up with nearly all of the characters involved, I feel it is a right and a duty of mine, in all the power my geeky childhood gives me to do so, to further mock what has already become a mini monument of fail. Let’s take a look at how the contest worked:
Obviously, every villain on the list appeared during week 1. The obvious losers were quickly shuffled off the stage, making way for more epic battles in week 2. Things were already looking bad, however, when threads began appearing on 4chan with suggestions on who to vote for/against, links provided. An event that, on sites like IGN for example, would have been a typical “List” that readers could either take or leave depending on whether they agreed with the handful of editors behind the project (GLaDOS was the #1 villain there, fyi), the Gamespot version was given the worst odds of a pleasant outcome by putting the voting power into the hands of members, lurkers, and trolls.
The main issue I had with the content was that it included several characters that, for all intents and purposes, earned their fame.. or infamy as the case may be, well outside of the video game industry. The Joker. Darth Vader. Even Dracula, though the latter starred in an original game series for over 20 years and not just the bi-products of major franchises wanking into a hat to keep interest in their characters alive.
This would not have been a problem, save for the fact that there are a lot of Darth Vader fanboys out there who for reasons of insanity or possible head trauma, refuse to believe that the Sith lord could be battered senseless by an enemy as simple as Ganondorf because hey, he’s in Star Wars and the bigger your death star, the more fanfictions you win by default. Any character that had the wherewithal to rip Vader’s clunky-ass suit from his charred old man body would sooner pity him than stomp on his face. I draw the line at the Pac Man ghosts though; persistent, yes, but overwhelming psychic power to rival the Force is not their strong suit.
Likewise with the Joker, even moreso in fact… I mean, just think about the Joker meeting the Lich King or Bowser in a dark alley. For all his craftiness against the coppers, the only reason he’s even alive is because Batman refuses to kill him. Bowser weighs about ten thousand pounds and breathes fire and oh yeah, he’s a fucking fire breathing monster. Did I mention that? Because he is. I’d like to see a witty quip get you out of the burn unit.
So as super duper cool as Vader and the Joker happen to be, they didn’t belong on the list, because obviously they would go on to dominate it unfairly, and are not game specific characters, despite the sum total of games they’ve actually been in. Anyone who disagrees is a fuckhead. Moving on…
Click to continue reading “Gamespot’s Greatest Game Villains and Other Stupid Popularity Contests.”
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You know, if someone had told me, long long ago, that there were quite so many shitty video games in the world, I might not have bothered collecitng them. Nonetheless, I still have a small hoard of 8 and 16 bit cartridges lying around from when I was younger, taking up space and, from a purely entertainment viewpoint, not aging all that well. Case in point, the fresher generation of angsty consumers has to wonder what the fuck we were thinking to spend money on garbage that can now be reproduced and improved upon by a teenager armed with a copy of Flash and a case of Red Bull and no life to speak of. As I play more NES roms, I realize how stupidly simple his task is. Most of these game developers had no clue how to create an enjoyable product. Oh, but you know the drill by this point. Now comes the part where I shed light on the evidence to support my previous claim. Yay! All aboard the 80′s Fail Train. Fasten your cartoon headgear.
(And Sir or madam, if you grew up with some of these games, I have little trouble believing that you now wear a crash helmet)
If any of you were into the anime craze of the late 80′s/early 90′s, you may have sought out some ‘classics’ of the genre, including some of the more “serious” films like Akira, Ninja Scroll and Fist of the North Star. Not to say that these films were intellectual fair or anything; people just swore a whole lot and half the cast or more ended up dying violently, and death is pretty serious, or so I’ve heard. Fist of the North Star, or FotNS, upped the ante by making the deaths ridiculously gory and sometimes just plain stupid. Ken Shiro, the protagonist, was a post-apocalyptic hybrid of Bruce Lee and Mad Max (no joke, that’s precisely what the original graphic novel creator was going for), who had somehow mastered a deadly form of martial art that caused the human body’s physiology to alter itself radically and well, long story short, his victims contorted, swelled, and exploded in torrents of blood and guts. Sometimes all he had to do was touch them just right to begin a typical sequence of nigh-comical hyper violence. Obviously, this was a good idea for a Nintendo game, because if we’ve been taught anything, it’s that 8 bit graphics realistically convey splatterhouse carnage and other organic special effects without looking like pixelated horse crap.
Oh wait.
Click to continue reading “Digital Nightmares Vol. 4″
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Newsflash: In an interesting turn of events, humanity discovered on April 17th of this year that we shouldn’t stab people because it can kill them! While perusing the headlines this morning, this story caught my eye.
A man has appeared in court to deny the manslaughter of his teenage friend who was knifed while trying on a stab-proof vest.
As befits my generous nature, I would like to offer a minor correction to the British news journal. The man’s teenage friend was trying on what he thought to be a stab-proof vest. As evidence shows that the blade passed through the vest, it was not, in fact, stab-proof. Secondly, it was not idiot-proof. Case in point, I have my doubts about the intelligence of anyone over the age of 30 who believes the idea presented to them by a teenager, and involving sharp objects no less, to be a good one.
I have to imagine that the guilt in a case like this is only made more unbearable by the aforementioned age difference. Think about it. You’re 31 years old. An 18 year old kid asks you to stab them to try out their new vest. You do it. Then you take your medication and go back to the corner to solve the intricacies of letter blocks while eating paste and rocking back and forth repeating the mantra “Hope I dun get in twubble, derp”, because you’re obviously a grade A fucking moron.
I’m going to assume that since Christopher is not currently available to accept his Darwin award, that his friend will find a place for it on his mantle until they meet again following the latter’s eventual, deadly encounter with a knife-proof toaster.
- Wells
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Pioneered primarily by EverQuest way back in 1999, the MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Game) market skyrocketed to unprecedented heights of popularity with the release and gradual fine-tuning of World of Warcraft, but after many years of WoW’s design system dominating the genre… well, the ‘tried and true’ has become the ‘been there, done that’. Far from being one to criticize the depth, variety or user friendliness of the game, I’ve also noticed that WoW is a dangerous mold in which far too many other developers put their faith and expect to achieve similar results. On the contrary, the results are endlessly bland copycats that hope to dethrone Blizzard’s long running cash cow and fail on every level.
Let’s be honest, competition is only a good thing if the challenger offers and encourages innovation, NOT the same basic game skeleton with far less going for it in terms of lore, attitude, and charm. We can use a lot of games for this example, but we’ll pick a random title from the hat of randomness.
Cabal Online is a poorly executed MMO in the style of WoW, but it doesn’t have the marketability or variety to compete. In addition, it’s a F2P (Free to Play) title with minimal GM interaction; in fact, when starting in the opening area of the game, player chat is virtually impossible to distinguish from the epileptic flood of gold spammers. When you actually get into combat, you’ll feel like maybe those gold spammers you left behind were the best part of this travesty. Clunky, colorless, and uncoordinated is no way to go through life, Cabal Online.
Aion is probably a fairer comparison, since the game includes a subscription fee and at the very least, GM’s who monitor spam (if not their own sadistic behavior). The graphics are amazing too. However, as I played I saw too many similarities to WoW than made me comfortable, leading me to believe that it too was another level grind that was dependent on time spent and gear earned, and little in the way of actual skill. Where WoW succeeds in using this formula to attract the casual gamer, Aion abused it and early super-geared players were practically gods in the PVP zones (ie: most of the game maps). Click this icon, watch a fight animation take place, fall asleep, repeat. Insult to injury was added when NCSoft totally fucked up the game’s faction balance around the same time as the new patch was released, enraging many players to the point where they no longer play this beautiful, gold coated, diamond encrusted piece of crap (Hi Mr. Repose!). Golf clap.
But wait, there’s good news. Flash forward to 4th quarter 2010 – early next year, when a game that claims to be changing a lot of what makes MMO’s so dull, is being released at last. A long time in the making, Guild Wars 2 is set to change how we view the traditional MMO in very certain terms that the developers have been more than happy to talk to the public about (not always a common happening). In various interviews and developer logs, the makers of GW2 have already unveiled more innovations per article than most MMO’s have bothered to consider since 2004. What does this mean for the finished product? Well the great thing about MMO’s that initially deliver on the hype is that, with their funding taken care of for the foreseeable future, any ideas that could not be implemented due to time constraints will follow along shortly after release in the form of patches. Even if GW2 fails to make good on every single last little promise, it won’t spell doom for them as it would a lesser company’s hard work. ArenaNet, the creators of the original Guild Wars (which is still updating its content and holiday events to this day), have always put 110% effort into their projects, and even if I personally thought the first game had a few major functionality issues (ie: no jump button? On-rails mountain paths that you can’t fall off of? What happened to gravity?), it still remains a solid game that can be played without a monthly fee.
And what does that mean, boys and girls?
Click to continue reading “Guild Wars 2 set to reinvent MMORPGS.”
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It would appear that as a result of NP’s frequently submitted video game-related articles, the site has drawn the attention of gamers around the world, to which we say “Big deal”, but even we were shocked recently to be contacted by a man decked out in stylish fashions who may or may not have claimed to work for NCSoft, makers of hugely successful games like Guild Wars, Lineage, and Aion. Seriously, I’m not making this up. To prove it, here’s an interview!
Warden Wells: Hi, and welcome to Nonpersons. So Mr. Repose tells me that you refuse to leave until you are satisfied that your message is appropriately conveyed to fans, claiming you may or may not work for NCSoft.
 Ayep. That’s right. I work for NCSoft, pubrisha of a-huge games you rikey pray. We all super cool.
WW: Okay. Well I have to admit, I always wondered if we could get a game developer on the site for a Q&A, but NCSoft? That’s pretty amazing. So I guess I better get with the Q.
Ayep. I didn’t come here for yo goddamn shit. You waste enough time and space making huge brack bar on my Asian face. Rookit all dat waste of brack. Pitiful.
WW: Sure. So what’s your favorite game?
Well, you probably not know about Koreans since you just dumb American retard pray Madden games all day, but we have game called Starcraft, very new wave. Hip unrike your shirt. Pray onrine all day, score super hot babies. Yeaaaah!
WW: I know about Starcraft. It’s outdated and not very fun if you ask me.
You could-a get seriourousry kirred in my country for talking so much nonsensy shit, Warden a-Whitewells. Starcraft best game ever. Kim Jong Il invent dat like toaster, internet porn, and chibi. Do not upset grorious reader!
WW: Let’s talk about NCSoft’s games, and the ideal of Korean game developers in general. What’s the difference between your games and those of Japan and the more western countries?
JAPAN?? Japan don’t know goddamn shit about games, too busy stuffing octopus in womb to pay special attention to most powerful game erement of rife.
WW: So what is the secret of Korean game development then? Note: POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD!
Click to continue reading “Grind Wars – Secrets of Korean Game Developers Revealed!”
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So if you’ve been on the internet for more than 60 minutes, you’ve already witnessed what are arguably the most hilariously exploitative, dishonest, and just plain bad “free online game” advertisements in history. IN HISTORY. I dare you to find something more pitiful and repugnant than the misleading boobs-a-poppin’ flash/banner ads for Evony, a game that’s making its money off of horny retards and fans of the Civilization games who may or may not know that they’re playing a clone of it……. and that, despite the promises of Evony’s snake oil peddling advert department, is completely lacking in anything racy or even slightly arousing, or even slightly original.
Like most people, I saw the ads and laughed them off in hopes they would go away, but at first glance it’s pretty difficult not to notice a chasm of massive, yawning cleavage threatening to claim your last iota of attention as you’re checking your email.
 Don't fall in. Don’t worry though, Evony’s degrading ad campaign wasn’t just the willy nilly scheming of a random mail room scamp, it took a lot of effort to photoshop girls from low budget pornos into these things. True story; at least one ad had images ripped directly from the cover of “Girls Playing with Girls 102″ (thanks to John Kershaw of Negative Gamer for this highly amusing and disgraceful information):
 
Great job, Evony. You have lured countless stupid people to a boring game by pandering to their most primal of desires. It’s not like no accomplished this lazy tactic with some success in the past, but a lot of that happened in the 90′s and the games were actually kind of fun. This game is a portal to your wallet guarded by a chick in her underwear.
That’s right, not only are there no hot bods in Evony (previously named Civony – the Civilization Ripoff), but they practically harass you into paying for in-game premiums and advantages over the other bored retards, using real cash. So I have to laugh at people who spend hundreds of dollars on something they didn’t even want to begin with, all because of their genitals and their inability to log off once they’ve gone through the arduous task of making a name and password for yet another site.
Congratulations, internet. You’ve outdone yourself.
- Wells
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Digital Nightmares is back with a special edition that our 5 readers will just go nuts over! Now while the ‘Nightmares’ in Digital Nightmares has, in the past, consistently stood for outrageous difficulty regardless of the quality of gameplay, Hack Edition widens the playing field; the following games are nightmares because of the near-sacrilege it was to have created them in the first place. They are hacks, the definition in this case being: ROMS that have been cosmetically altered to present different characters and/or themes than originally intended. With that out of the way, let’s dip into what I found.
Note: Some of the ROMS didn’t make the final cut because of taste issues, such as one disgrace in particular packed in the rar titled Dick Kids, which features a hack of the old NES game Mc Kids (a McDonald’s themed game), in which naked child-like pixel blobs run from woodchucks with boners into disturbingly phallic shaped houses. If that kind of thing is your cup of tea, you can go catch the northern end of a southbound train, you sick bastard.
Pussy City Pimps (River City Ransom hack)
River City Ransom is still one of my all time favorite pick up ‘n play games from the silver age of video games, so I naturally gravitated towards hacks of games I liked and am very familiar with. Let’s have a look at PCP. Essentially RCR with a perverted theme, PCP made me think it was designed by a lonely pothead whose sense of humor centers around the word ‘boobies’ and has yet to know the touch of a woman (ie: I’m not going to discriminate here, but there’s no way a chick created this mess).
In Pussy City Pimps, you fight gangs with names like the Premature Orgasms and the Limp Gays, every one of them sporting flaccid pixelated wangs from their jeans, the ladies going around with little to nothing at all. Why? Well have a look at the deep, award winning storyline to know the answer to that and other questions (like: can a monkey really code?):
That’s right, thePimps has taken my hoes. Wow. Someone must have brainstormed diligently with a whole fucking pool party’s worth of rocket scientists and movie giants to create such a compelling plot. I bet you anything that arrogant prick M. Night Shyamlan was there wearing a speedo and admiring himself in a pocket mirror, distractedly suggesting he play the main character who goes on to change the world forever. Seriously, Pussy City Pimps is almost as bad as Lady in the Water.
Click to continue reading “Digital Nightmares – HACK EDITION”
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The personal life of the Warden is fraught with excitement, explosions, and madness, but also brimming with friendship, love and hooters. Once in a while, though, some dopey punching bag tries to mess with this delicate blend of awesomeness and inevitably faces my heady wrath. I say! The story of one such bag begins when I happened upon a woman via a chance meeting; a woman of pure heart and gentle motives, such a woman that no man in his right mind would turn away. Unfortunately, she was married. This seemed to be the conclusion to a tale scarcely begun, and I accepted this with disappointment weighing heavily on my shoulders…
But wait.
I was to discover some time later on that this lovely lady, let’s call her Francine – because her real name is nothing even remotely as horrible – that Francine was unfulfilled in her marriage with Irving – not his real name either, but appropriately dorky and lame just like him – she was downright depressed, in fact. Over the course of what must have seemed like an eternity but amounted to 7 years, their so-called union had deteriorated to the point that Irving spent more time fulfilling himself and his appetite for material possessions than his own wife. She no longer wanted to be with him, and had decided so long before I knew her.
Why would a woman want to leave her husband of 7 years, a husband who makes thousands of dollars a month despite his own grossly lacking personality traits? Because she can do better, that’s why. She can do the Warden. All night long, baby. That’s more than I can say for you, Limpy.
Yet the problem persists. See, Irving isn’t a man, for a man has a backbone and a set of balls, two things Irving is missing. For all the talk he makes in bitter chatter with friends at tupperware parties over a loss that is no one’s fault but his own, the words that get back to others that know the true nature of Francine are met with harsh criticism. In other words, he’s all talk and when people tell him to grow up and shut up, Irving backs down like the bitch that he is.
A few notable things for you to take into consideration, Irving, is that I know that you’re upset, I know that you’re feeling the sting of a woman leaving you because you took her for granted, and I know that since she did all the work around your lovely, empty home, either you’re going to be living in a filthy heap, OR actually break down and pay a housekeeper to clean up after you, laughing quietly to herself while she takes your money.
You know what that last part is like though, don’t you pal? Despite the fact that you rake in over four grand a month, you still took money from your wife’s half of the joint bank account. You know what kind of people do this, Irving? Greedy scumbags who lose their wives! Congratulations.
In addition to this, you like to spread the word that she left you for another man, inciting people to anger and distrust of your soon to be officially EX wife, even though this is false information, and in fact blatant slander. You know what kind of people do this, Irving? Petty, bitter assholes that lose their wives and only have all male parties now to talk shit about her, going so far as to let them change her MSN status to something offensive, and then pretend you had no control over it. Congratulations.
Finally, one of the most despicable things I’ve had to hear about is the fact that you used a beloved pet of Francine’s against her because you knew in your heart that you had lost utterly. The tears she cried were real, and you are no longer considered a fucking human being for what you tried to do: again, going so far as to lie to the SPCA in order to get them to accept her animals, because you knew it would hurt her. You disgust me. The best part is, you have allowed yourself to become a mockery of all that a man should strive to be to a woman, and not only did the SPCA tell you where to shove it, but now she has been reunited with her kitten. You have no idea how hard I laughed when your dreams of petty vengeance in haste ended with egg on your face, you miserable pile of shit. lol
Ah, but at least her father shares your enthusiasm for making her feel guilty for loving someone who is worth more than his bank account. Maybe the two of you can start a pity party or He Man woman hater’s club. Knowing that he too is a neglectful, abusive fuck, it wouldn’t be too much of a stretch to imagine.
Your shame was earned, and it is truly justified. But I’ll be sure to let you know of her fulfillment in other ways you just couldn’t manage.
- Wells
PS: Yeah, I heard about the buddy of yours who told you to “mail me a bullet” (ie: to show me he could have meant business if he wanted to).
This is my response:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *cough* AHAHAHA!!!
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