Over the course of the past six months, I’ve had a lot of seat time with my favorite MMO – World of Warcraft, arguably one of the most addictive and well constructed PC games of its time, but not all of the experiences have been rosy. When I began playing WoW again after a year or so hiatus, I was initially thrilled to put on my winter wardrobe to battle the undead legions of the Lich King in the frozen wasteland of Northrend, but then I realized Blizzard made a critical expansion error.
Death Knights.
See, the balance of WoW has been kept in check by a variation of classes that are built from the ground up. Starting at level 1, a paladin player will, presumably, learn the ropes on his/her way to the current level cap (as of now, 80). This can be said for most classes, with the exception of Death Knights, who begin at level 55 and practically have everything handed to them, particularly the false ideal that they are good at everything because their starting armor is better than yours. This has led to a whole new generation of frustration.
The problem with Death Knights is not simply limited to the fact that your kid can roll one on your account as long as you’ve gotten at least one character to level 55, thereby bypassing any knowledge of how to actually play in a massively populated online game, no. In addition to that, DK’s are just not very balanced. They are OP (overpowered) in their starting levels, but have a limited choice of spells and skills, making them utterly boring to play as. A friend and I both made the decision within the past few days to delete our Death Knights because frankly, we agreed that they’re not very fun to play. So basically, a Death Knight is Blizzard’s way of saying thank you to their loyal players over the years by introducing a class that a retard can have grouping with you in the Dungeon Finder within a day and in their off-time enjoys slamming square pegs into circular shaped holes while grunting. Two of the most popular and well known DK’s on the server I play on are almost always in Trade chat, shooting the breeze, they’re that bored.
Hey, you know what Family Guy, American Dad, and The Cleveland Show all have in common? Assuming you’ve even heard of the Cleveland Show by now and have also NOT committed suicide knowing it exists, I’ll tell you: all three are the projects of a guy named Seth MacFarlane. Seth, after an attempt in the 90’s to make children’s cartoons (and failing miserably), was eventually responsible for Family Guy, a mostly garbled animated sitcom with a lot of pointless pop culture references and segues that veer straight off a cliff into the unfunny unknown. The show’s low percentage of actual humor is countered by shock laughs, sex gags, and uncomfortable subjects that kids shouldn’t be watching, but probably are because hey, it’s a cartoon right? Cartoons can’t be bad.
Warning: Cartoons can be bad. Very bad.
See, the thing about MacFarlane’s humor is that it’s funny to him and was never very funny to anyone but him, until he convinced a lot of idiots that his formula was a display of utter brilliance and laughs, the same idiots that still watch the Simpsons hoping it will ever be as good as it once was, and even then it was overrated. The allure of making an animated sitcom is hey, you can make your characters do practically anything without worrying about budget or props, and thanks to MacFarlane, they can say anything they want too, much to the dismay of people who aren’t impressed by constant flashbacks, and those who don’t drag their knuckles when they walk. Can anyone count the number of times in one episode without losing track, just how many times Peter “remembers the time” he <did something zany> with <famous person>? If you said yes, there’s a good chance you’re a liar, seeing as sitting through an entire episode of that shit means you probably can’t count nearly that high.
The sad thing is, Family Guy is his best show. It gets the most attention from writers and advertisers and as much as I hate to admit this, has a broader base to build upon than something like American Dad or The Cleveland Show. (Trivia: The theme song originally contained a line referring to Cleveland’s “happy black-guy face,” but this was replaced with “happy mustached face” to make the song more racially sensitive.[8])
They actually changed the song to an animated Blaxploitation sitcom to be more “racially sensitive”. Amazing. Even if by some miracle this show does not get canceled, its fans can feel dead on the inside knowing that they kept a humorless husk plodding along.
It’s a fair question, isn’t it? While it’s true that many of these “authors” are not being paid for their work, and even the ones who are become uncannily lazy in the alluring bask of fame, that’s just no excuse to publish shitty content to your audience simply because you know they have no better expectations than what you have to offer. During an enlightening conversation with Mr. Repose, I decided I could do much worse than to expose some of the reasons that the vast majority of webcomics will probably always be lamesauce.
Sadly, the first word that comes to my mind when I think of webcomics is not “funny”, but rather “failure”. In a virtual world where most people have no personality decipherable from some other blockhead sitting two seats down on one of the other library computers, some of these boring, unfulfilled sheep use the vast array of 5 or 6 genuinely “unique” characters on countless webcomics to make themselves feel that they can identify with someone… even if they’re not real. Then when someone they met online asks them what they’re like in real life, they can have a lie at the ready:
Billyskater93: I’m like Brandon, the super cool guitarist in METALCOMIC. Here’s a link to his bio.
SallyJuniperxoxo: That’s so awesome! Do you play guitar? ^_^;
Billyskater93: I’m learning. Also I’m thinner than Brandon. LOL!!
One idiot lying to another idiot. The fact is that Brandon’s clone looks nothing like the character would look as a real person, and is in fact 260 lbs. and his knowledge of guitars is that he’s seen them on MTV. Oh and Sally is probably a guy.
It’s not a problem when you compare yourself to a fictional character, lots of people do that, but when you give someone an unrealistic outlook about you and start to believe that you’re successful and awesome simply by the virtue of optimism, this can only lead to disappointment.
Another strong selling point to readers and simultaneously, the most obnoxious thing about webcomics, is the attitude. Never before have cocky expressions and raised eyebrows received so much undue popularity outside of an animated film produced by Dreamworks. In some comics, that’s the whole fucking punchline! An “edgy” look of disgust, hate, and/or confusion. You know, if these guys just didn’t bother trying to come up with filler, we could all enjoy webcomics for what they really are:
Released in 2009 during the famous television writer’s strike, Joss Whedon’s Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog is a web-based mini series created by a small talented team and distributed in 3 acts over the course of about a week. The entire production from beginning to end consists of purely brilliant writing, acting and creativity that was apparently meant to show that the writer’s strike would not make all options for entertainment impossible. It worked.
As I watched, and watched again, I realized that there is something very familiar and comforting about this one-shot sensation. Sure, the humor is some of the best I’ve seen, the music is incredible, and it’s going to be topping charts as one of the greatest random displays of genius that we’ve had the pleasure to see outside of the typical scripted work on TV. But it wasn’t that. It was Dr. Horrible himself.
Dubbed a “tragicomedy”, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog presents trials that could relate to so many people if the rules were different. A decent person down deep, Dr. Horrible (alias Billy) merely wants to be inducted into the Evil League of Evil for his scheming and inventing talents; a typical mad scientist, he is not brutal or murderous in the least, until someone hurts him and puts him in a position in which even non-geniuses find themselves driven to unspeakable feats, and that is where some viewers can identify. It no longer becomes the exact same sort of humor the bubbly idiot sitting next to you is watching, and you find it funny but you find it sad too.
Friends are awesome. It doesn’t matter what they look like, where they live, or what they do for a living; the important thing is that they stimulate you to try your hand at previously undiscovered territory in your hobbies and/or talents, for example writing mean-spirited rants about their common sense deprived non-mutual acquaintances. Today’s subject: Ridiculous footwear and the people that love it.
Now I was introduced to the following link, which I knew was going to be gold the moment I was asked “Ok, how gay is this?”, by one such friend. I prepared with a strange mix of glee and trepidation for the sparkling trove yet to be unveiled when Firefox finally decided to load. I was not disappointed. Feast your eyes on the Vibram brand Fivefingers KSO for men:
Yes, those are real shoes designed, presumably, by real people and not crazed hippy gorillas injecting drano straight into their corneas for a buzz, but it’s not like anyone would blame you for making the mistake. They give the appearance of being rather uncomfortable, they’re stupidly overpriced, and the name KSO stands for “KEEPS STUFF OUT”. Brilliant! (not really) The most important thing, however, is that they look fucking retarded and I would be embarrassed to be seen in them, especially if the people around me knew they carried a price tag of $85.
While searching for a good photo of Dick Masterson – Professional Chauvinist to tack onto my previous article, I came across what is apparently (and was inevitably) a site designed to “fight back” against www.menarebetterthanwomen.com. What is the name of this counter-site you ask? Well duh. It’s http://womenrbetterthanmen.wordpress.com/. Now ignoring the fact that the grammar in the URL is fucked, the basic concept of a retaliatory project designed (presumably) by a female sounded interesting, so I gave it a quick once over. I wish I hadn’t.
First off, this is, in fact, not a good idea on any level. Reasons for that being:
The term “Don’t feed the trolls” applies to the original message from Mr. Masterson, and if you were trying to prove that women react angrily and predictably to his kind of rampant jackass behavior, then jacktheterrier (the author of the blog) has succeeded.
The intelligence level of the author in question is most certainly not that of a person that either gender would want representing them. For example, the list of reasons why women are better than men actually make Dick look right about what he said, including moronic statements that only gel with his theories such as:
9th. Men are sugar daddy’s, ATMs, cash machines, piggy banks, bank accounts and so forth
1st. We don’t pay for sex, you do (and we’ll never have to) (editors note: the definition of a WHORE is a woman who fucks for money)
So within the past few days, I’ve come across a series of links leading me to a site called www.menarebetterthanwomen.com. That’s right, it says Men are Better than Women…. dot com. While I think the majority is still somewhat uncertain as to whether or not this site and its owner hold any legitimate position and are not, in fact, simply intended as a gimmick to make money, the popularity, or rather notoriety of Dick Masterson’s vision cannot be denied.
Apparently, Mr. Masterson is a “professional chauvinist”, and I suppose the fact that he’s making a shit ton of money off of little more than calling women fat, stupid, selfish whores would actually give that title some merit. Gimmick or not, what’s Dick’s big game plan? To insult women. A lot. But I’ve come to a conclusion through reading some of his blog articles and watching his appearance on Dr. Phil – Dick is nuts.
While I find humor in offending the thin-skinned and the stupid, it is not and never has been solely one gender, race, nor creed that I find a suitable target. Not only is that just plain old discriminatory, but let’s face it, it’s boring. Then again, I don’t think I’ll have as much nationwide success as Dick by calling my book/website “Certain People are Better than Certain Other People”. It’s just not as catchy.
Not to be confused with the video game of the same title, Silent Hill, released in theatres in 2006, is what I like to think of as a horror movie done right. It typically doesn’t descend into anything cheesy and the film is plot-oriented as opposed to character-oriented, whereby the script spends so much time focusing on each individual facet of the characters that there is little room left for telling the story. If you want deep horror movie characters, I don’t know what to tell you, you’re obviously looking in the wrong genre. In Silent Hill, they serve their purpose, and you either like them or hate them, but you don’t need to know what their favorite color is (hint: it’s probably not red).
If you’re looking for depth or intense characterization, too bad. Speaking of bad, that’s all I could come up with for cons. The pros of the movie far outweigh this one essentially meaningless concept in a movie about demons that kill the shit out of shit. Look, here’s one now.
Sometime last year, I signed up for a Facebook account to flame someone.. I don’t remember who. See, you have to sign up to be able to see jack shit (and there’s plenty of it to be seen), but once I’d registered, I realized that the tip was rather off and there was nothing worthy of my time nor genius to be ripped to shreds. After a few weeks I realized that at the very least, Facebook could be useful for keeping in touch with family and old high school friends. So essentially, well, it’s not very useful at all. Signing up under your real name and allowing people to find you who you obviously didn’t contact until now for good reason, is akin to giving a class full of angry retards two mallets each and putting a “WHACK ME” sign on your exposed and vulnerable nutsac. In my case, precious few of these people have actually become valuable members of society, and they like the dumbest shit possible. One chick on there updated her status every goddamn hour with something about how awesome Twilight is and how she wants to read every drooling spasticated fucking word from Stephenie Meyer’s magic fingers, and she did this in ALL CAPS. Seriously, she’s in her 30’s now.
It didn’t end there, and certainly not with her. There seems to be a growing trend on Facebook: essentially becoming “fans” of things. Now one would typically draw the conclusion that like Myspace, they would be publicly announcing their devotion to some stupid band or comedian, that is, if one were a sane, rational human being who didn’t think the internet could get any more pathetic. People are becoming “fans” of everything – doesn’t matter what, as long as they enjoy it. Air. Sleeping. Hugging. Having babies. The sun. Summer.
This is the kind of fucking bullshit that makes me want to viciously murder the majority of the world’s population. Holy Mary motherfucking fuck, how can you just mindlessly become a fan of such mundane crap. Does it need to be announced that you like to eat? Maybe you need to tell the world that you have a passion for WALKING. Hopefully you didn’t miss anything either, because imagine the horror at the office party when you remember that in a brief moment of actually not being a total fuckhead, you neglected to follow suit and list yourself as a fan of DIGESTING YOUR FOOD.
You’re dead to your co-workers now.
And I never seem to see anything better than these stupid little obvious fan pages. Once in a while there will be some totally off the wall shit like “Not being on Fire” (which I am actually a fan of).
Why? Because Facebook is chock full of religious nuts, teenage girls, rednecks, and bored housewives who want to stay connected with grandma. I’m an exception. I now log into Facebook to see if I can’t annoy people I stupidly added thinking this was going to be enjoyable, into de-friending me. I seriously don’t think anyone’s paying attention. I post links to strange or disturbing videos, anti-PC material, etc.. you know, anything that cool people like.
I’m a fan of cool people! And fans of cool people!
Facebook is so fucking stupid. How do I get into these things?
If you’ve ever wondered where furries hang out when they’re not dressed up in ridiculous costumes buggering each other in a dark closet.. first of all, get your head checked, then read the rest of this article, because this might be one possible answer to that disturbing question. Say hello to my new favorite website -
What’s more amazing than how utterly fucking creepy the concept of complete strangers getting together to “cuddle” is, is that this has been going on since 2004 and I’ve only just heard of it. That’s a crime. On those lonely nights when I really could have used someone to viciously mock, Cuddle Party managed to fly beneath my freak radar. I forgive them though. There’s no time like the present, after all.
So in short, in case you didn’t bother clicking the link or are too stunned to take in all that stupid nonsense at once, Cuddle Party is like group therapy for touchy-feely people. There’s even an application to become a facilitator. Despite the assurances of Cuddle Party (god I feel so stupid when I type that out), you can bet your voluptuous butt cheeks that there are some weirdos who attempt to sign up so they can cop a feel of a random middle aged woman’s subtly wrinkled sweet meats. Mmmm. Meat.
The funniest bit to me is that most of the people you see in the videos are pretty funky looking. You know why? Because attractive people get cuddled whenever they want it and they don’t need a special pajama party. lol
