Category Archives: Entertainment

OC Do Not Steal: The Bizarre Cult of Sonic the Hedgehog

09 Sep 2014

Of all the things on the interbutts that I’ve ever encountered in my years, I find that there’s one particular fandom that stands out.  Sure there’s otaku, cosplayers, furries, and role-players who all bring their own unique form of drama and cult like fervor for the target of their obsessions; however, it’s rare to find a fan base that combines so many to create a Frankensteinian horror to lurch it’s way through the internet like one of the great old ones breaking the bindings that hold them deep in the heart of the city of R’lyeh.   A twisted amalgamation of sheer awkward stupidity that would put even the most ridiculous AOL roleplay profile to shame.  I of course speak of that dreaded dreamless cult that sleeps deep in the bowels of the net.  The cult of… and forgive me dear reader for some mild trepidation in calling for it’s name for fear they may be listening… Sonic the Hedgehog.

You heard me, Sonic the fucking Hedgehog.  You see, the Sonic games themselves took a bizarre design turn somewhere between Sonic 3 and Sonic Heroes for the Dreamcast creating a huge number of furry-tastic side characters!  For those of you who never grew up in the 90s or ever owned a Sega console, allow me to fill you in before we continue, Sonic was Sega’s answer to Nintendo’s Mario.  Basically he was their mascot character, and from a gameplay perspective they were nothing alike.  Mario games tend to be more focused on exploration, platforming, and occasional puzzle solving.  Whereas Sonic games involved you basically trying to control a blue spinning ball as it rockets around like a small child that has been given a coffee enema.  The levels were on rails and you’d just watch as your little blue ball rolled it’s way to the finish line.  Exciting!

For some reason… reasons I have yet to determine the source of, Sonic has become extremely popular with furries.  I found several pages that go on for extreme lengths about the history of the Sonic Fandom and how it’s apparently like the snake eating it’s tail or something like that, and aside from boring me to tears it never seemed to get into the part where it turned into the AOL Roleplay of this generation.  Something needs to be done to stem the tide.  Don’t believe me? Do me a favor.  Navigate your way to Google/Bing and type your first name followed by ‘The Hedgehog.’  Go on, I’ll wait.

*elevator music*

Oh, you’re back!  Now you see exactly what I’m talking about.  The furry community has latched on to this video game mascot with a bizarre fervor that I have yet to fully understand.  All I know is that somewhere in the world someone is possibly erotic roleplaying with my name as a furry Sonic the Hedgehog ripoff character, and this disturbs me to the core.  That ever elusive ‘why,’ chasing it has led me down a trail of fail that would put even the worst ex-Flame Town poster to shame.  There are hundreds of characters, who their creators all claim are original, which are basically re-colors of Sonic the Hedgehog.  Many of them are his ‘children’ or lovers, in some cases both.  There’s immortal Hedgehogs, evil Hedgehogs, vampire Hedgehogs, and of course sexy erotic roleplay hedgehogs.    Well, actually, sometimes you don’t need to be a hedgehog, they just seem to make up different combinations.  Bunny hedgehogs, dog hedgehogs, walrus hedgehogs, the possibilities are endless!

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Failed Article Ideas: Fast-Food Suicide

08 Jun 2014

Believe it or not, even during the tremendous lulls of this site where there were no updates there were plenty of ideas and half-written articles.  Sorting thought my archives I came across one that stood out as a truly, truly, terrible idea.  This was originally designed to be an article series, in some way, attempting to illustrate how terrible fast food is for you to eat, especially on a consistent basis.  This, of course, is a relatively pointless message to try to convey.  You’d have to be an idiot to think eating any of that crap is actually a good idea.  There’s more studies and information about the dangers of fast, cheap, and processed foods out there that anything that I would do or say would only come off as either redundant or preachy.

That’s actually only part of the reason.  The idea was, to ‘review’ each new fast food sandwich or product that came out and describe in detail the after-effects of consuming said product would be.  The name of this article series, because I thought after eating some of these sandwiches that it was a real possibility I was going to die, was ‘Fast Food Suicide.’  Now, I’m not a paragon of health and fitness, but I don’t normally eat a lot of fast food.  My general tendency is to cook my own meals at home, and in general I don’t eat a lot of extremely fatty or salty foods.  I don’t even have cheese or breads that often.  This is actually the perfect storm for fast food to come in and thoroughly wreak havoc on my guts.  Thus there were some pros and cons to consider in such a writing endeavor.

Pros:

– Could be humorous.

– Could serve as a warning.

– Could deter sales of certain fast-food products.

Cons:

– I’d have to actually eat this crap.

– In addition I’d have to actually pay money to eat this crap.

– The after-effects are not always super unpleasant, but when they are… oh buddy.

– Do people really want to know in great detail that the triple baconator nearly made me die in the bathroom?

In the end, I did try four new fast food products.  Below are the actual reviews I wrote up for three of them.  The fourth I tried was that double-chicken sandwich that KFC made, but I never wrote a review for it.  Forgive me for anything that is written beyond this point, and may god have mercy on my soul.

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A Prize 6 Years in the Making

14 May 2011

So my Guild Wars character hit 6 years old tonight, or whenever, I haven’t logged in with any regularity for some time as I wait for the painfully awesome looking Guild Wars 2 to suck the teet of my free time like a hungry mutant baby with seven mouths, exactly seven.  Every year they give us a miniature ‘pet’ on your character’s birthday.  Which is kind of cool, I guess, it’s one of those useless aesthetic trinkets given out, mostly I think to appease the fanboys… and I fucking need them okay?  I need the little bastards because they added this update that basically transfers items and titles to you in Guild Wars 2.   You get ‘points’ from doing various things in the game, and over the course of six years, bear in mind this is not from six years of CONSECUTIVE play. I have taken a few rather long breaks.  I’m at forty-six of fifty points.  Fifty is the maximum.  I don’t know if you can ‘beat’ a game like Guild Wars per say, just because you hit fifty points doesn’t mean you’re done playing.

For me it fucking does.

I have played this game to the point where it feels almost like a chore now.  Maybe it’s my fault for being OCD about completing the titles.  Maybe it’s my fault for being unable to live with a unfilled meter just begging to be maxed out, but you know what?  I could have lived with it if my relentless title grinding could just end.  I know, I know I don’t have to grind for titles.  Okay?  I know, but I’m sick.  I’m compelled to finish after coming so far, and god help me I can’t seem to stop till I’m at fifty points.  I need eight more mini pets, which means either playing the waiting game or simply buying them from players.  This may seem like a simple task, but in game like Guild Wars with no market system in place, that means standing around in town listlessly staring at pink colored text, okay ‘salmon’ colored text, scroll by while you desperately wait for someone to pick you out of the textual clusterfuck and  finally release you from the tedious hell that you are trapped in.

For the sixth year characters the wizards at Arena Net decided to give us not minis, but everlasting tonics that transform you (as many times as you want, oh boy!) into a random hero/npc from the game.  Which is great because you can turn forever into a lame ass hero character instead of playing as your cool-looking stylized character.  Why play as Serra Demer, slayer of everything in the game, literally, when I can play as a wacky hero sidekick like Acolyte Sosuke or, in my case, a bald man in a dress Kahmu?  A useless ass dervish hero that honestly I could never imagine using in a party for any reason. Ever.  Seriously, I play a game for six years, bust my ass for stupid titles and get rewarded with a tonic that turns me into a cross-dressing bald retard with all the personality of a block of balsa wood.

“Oh Boy!  You can look like me whenever you want now! Happy Birthday motherfucker!  Ahahaha”

I swear to whatever gods will listen, if I could I would get a bottle, slap a label on it that said ‘6th Year Birthday Tonic’ and put a big fat turd in it then mail it to the Arena Net corporate offices to express my fanboy angst in it’s starkest terms.

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Killing Literature, One Fang at a Time

07 Jul 2009

I know, I know, the title for this post is awfully dramatic.   I know that it’s a bold claim to make that now, officially, literature is dead, dying, or a fucking zombie shambling around the countryside as a hollow shell of it’s former self.   Many people would disagree, but that’s only because not everyone has seen the utter horse shit on sale at the bookstore that I did.   I want you to sit back, dear reader, and allow the following image to wash over.   Relax, empty your mind and focus ahead only at this text and the preceding image.   Behold:

... and reailty BITES!  Get it?   NYUCK NYUCK

Now, if the first thought in your head is ‘wow that looks like it could be pretty cool,’ I want you to do me a favor.   Take your hand, ball it into a fist, and punch yourself right in the face.  Besides my gut instinct to burst into a fit of mad laughter, there are several things gazing upon this majestic piece of surly Shakespearean art does for me.

First, it disturbs me, deeply.   If you notice the top of the image states ‘New York Times Bestselling Author,’  a title, which means nothing anymore anyway.   Lets face it, every shitty self-help book and half assed novel is apparently a ‘best seller.’  Just because people read it doesn’t mean it’s good.   I mean the Ghost Rider movie made money, but it still sucked so much dick it practically imploded on itself sucking Nick Cage’s carrier further into an event horizon of complete epic failure.   Basically the ‘New York Times Bestseller’ tag on a book just tells you that it’s popular amoung the same populace that thinks Micheal Bay is a good director, Adam Sandler is funny, and voted to elect George W. Bush president … TWICE.

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Of Guild Wars, Platitudes, and the American Ninja

09 Mar 2009

Platitudes.   Everyone speaks them, few understand how utterly obnoxious they can be.   Rewind to a few months ago, I was on my ventrilo server (as in my, I own it) with my guild mates from Guild Wars.   Allow me to sort of explain that, the Guild Wars thing I mean.   You see, I purchased Guild Wars a long time ago, actually about four years ago when it first came out for the PC.  I was looking for an RPG to play online with my friends that wasn’t an MMO.   Since Guild Wars is a co-operative role playing game and not a persistent world MMO, I thought I would enjoy it.   Little did I know the horrors that awaited me.   Little did I know…

Let me plant a visual in your head to sort of describe the game play experience I’ve had while playing Guild Wars.    You see, Guild Wars allows you to play solo, by bringing AI henchmen.    You can’t solo a god damn thing unless you’re farming or vastly experienced, and the first expansion was so bug ridden you had to do some missions five times in a row in order to enchant each piece of your equipment, leading to annoyance and mostly rage.   The first six months I sort of struggled through Guild Wars was kind of like fighting that crazy asshole Mike Tyson in an electrified cage when he’s got boxing gloves that are actually spiked gauntlets and I’m armed only with a really soft pillow and armor made out of novelty plastic ears.   I chose a Warrior, because I always enjoy getting the Melee classes to do neat little tricks.   I decided to make my secondary class Elementalist.    So I’d be basically a Spellsword.   If you’ve played guild wars you know where this is going,  if you haven’t let me tell you something about that combination of classes… it only works in specialized circumstances, or when you know what the fuck you are doing.   Thankfully, I didn’t.   So I gleefully wandered around getting killed, the sheer variety of places I manged to get myself killed was really the only adventure I got to experience in my brave journey though Tyria.    Dead in a marsh.   Dead in a desert.   Dead in a magical flying castle.   Dead in a river.   Dead on a mountain summit.   Dead in river of molten lava, giving a dramatic thumbs up much like The Terminator.    Dead in a pristine field surrounded by bunnies, piggies and magical rainbows that reflect the innocence of a child’s dream playfully in the sky.     Dead along with my worthless, inept, AI controlled companions.

The face of uselessness.

If you decide to go on a magical quest to save the world armed only with good intentions and a heart for adventure and these are the faces you see when you go to town to assemble a party, for your safety and sanity’s sake, just turn around and go home.   Trust me.

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Random Quote

If something comes to life in others because of you, then you have made an approach to immortality.

— Norman Cousins, Anatomy of an Illness (1979)