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It would appear that as a result of NP’s frequently submitted video game-related articles, the site has drawn the attention of gamers around the world, to which we say “Big deal”, but even we were shocked recently to be contacted by a man decked out in stylish fashions who may or may not have claimed to work for NCSoft, makers of hugely successful games like Guild Wars, Lineage, and Aion. Seriously, I’m not making this up. To prove it, here’s an interview!
Warden Wells: Hi, and welcome to Nonpersons. So Mr. Repose tells me that you refuse to leave until you are satisfied that your message is appropriately conveyed to fans, claiming you may or may not work for NCSoft.
 Ayep. That’s right. I work for NCSoft, pubrisha of a-huge games you rikey pray. We all super cool.
WW: Okay. Well I have to admit, I always wondered if we could get a game developer on the site for a Q&A, but NCSoft? That’s pretty amazing. So I guess I better get with the Q.
Ayep. I didn’t come here for yo goddamn shit. You waste enough time and space making huge brack bar on my Asian face. Rookit all dat waste of brack. Pitiful.
WW: Sure. So what’s your favorite game?
Well, you probably not know about Koreans since you just dumb American retard pray Madden games all day, but we have game called Starcraft, very new wave. Hip unrike your shirt. Pray onrine all day, score super hot babies. Yeaaaah!
WW: I know about Starcraft. It’s outdated and not very fun if you ask me.
You could-a get seriourousry kirred in my country for talking so much nonsensy shit, Warden a-Whitewells. Starcraft best game ever. Kim Jong Il invent dat like toaster, internet porn, and chibi. Do not upset grorious reader!
WW: Let’s talk about NCSoft’s games, and the ideal of Korean game developers in general. What’s the difference between your games and those of Japan and the more western countries?
JAPAN?? Japan don’t know goddamn shit about games, too busy stuffing octopus in womb to pay special attention to most powerful game erement of rife.
WW: So what is the secret of Korean game development then? Note: POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD!
Click to continue reading “Grind Wars – Secrets of Korean Game Developers Revealed!”
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So if you’ve been on the internet for more than 60 minutes, you’ve already witnessed what are arguably the most hilariously exploitative, dishonest, and just plain bad “free online game” advertisements in history. IN HISTORY. I dare you to find something more pitiful and repugnant than the misleading boobs-a-poppin’ flash/banner ads for Evony, a game that’s making its money off of horny retards and fans of the Civilization games who may or may not know that they’re playing a clone of it……. and that, despite the promises of Evony’s snake oil peddling advert department, is completely lacking in anything racy or even slightly arousing, or even slightly original.
Like most people, I saw the ads and laughed them off in hopes they would go away, but at first glance it’s pretty difficult not to notice a chasm of massive, yawning cleavage threatening to claim your last iota of attention as you’re checking your email.
 Don't fall in. Don’t worry though, Evony’s degrading ad campaign wasn’t just the willy nilly scheming of a random mail room scamp, it took a lot of effort to photoshop girls from low budget pornos into these things. True story; at least one ad had images ripped directly from the cover of “Girls Playing with Girls 102″ (thanks to John Kershaw of Negative Gamer for this highly amusing and disgraceful information):
 
Great job, Evony. You have lured countless stupid people to a boring game by pandering to their most primal of desires. It’s not like no accomplished this lazy tactic with some success in the past, but a lot of that happened in the 90′s and the games were actually kind of fun. This game is a portal to your wallet guarded by a chick in her underwear.
That’s right, not only are there no hot bods in Evony (previously named Civony – the Civilization Ripoff), but they practically harass you into paying for in-game premiums and advantages over the other bored retards, using real cash. So I have to laugh at people who spend hundreds of dollars on something they didn’t even want to begin with, all because of their genitals and their inability to log off once they’ve gone through the arduous task of making a name and password for yet another site.
Congratulations, internet. You’ve outdone yourself.
- Wells
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Digital Nightmares is back with a special edition that our 5 readers will just go nuts over! Now while the ‘Nightmares’ in Digital Nightmares has, in the past, consistently stood for outrageous difficulty regardless of the quality of gameplay, Hack Edition widens the playing field; the following games are nightmares because of the near-sacrilege it was to have created them in the first place. They are hacks, the definition in this case being: ROMS that have been cosmetically altered to present different characters and/or themes than originally intended. With that out of the way, let’s dip into what I found.
Note: Some of the ROMS didn’t make the final cut because of taste issues, such as one disgrace in particular packed in the rar titled Dick Kids, which features a hack of the old NES game Mc Kids (a McDonald’s themed game), in which naked child-like pixel blobs run from woodchucks with boners into disturbingly phallic shaped houses. If that kind of thing is your cup of tea, you can go catch the northern end of a southbound train, you sick bastard.
Pussy City Pimps (River City Ransom hack)
River City Ransom is still one of my all time favorite pick up ‘n play games from the silver age of video games, so I naturally gravitated towards hacks of games I liked and am very familiar with. Let’s have a look at PCP. Essentially RCR with a perverted theme, PCP made me think it was designed by a lonely pothead whose sense of humor centers around the word ‘boobies’ and has yet to know the touch of a woman (ie: I’m not going to discriminate here, but there’s no way a chick created this mess).
In Pussy City Pimps, you fight gangs with names like the Premature Orgasms and the Limp Gays, every one of them sporting flaccid pixelated wangs from their jeans, the ladies going around with little to nothing at all. Why? Well have a look at the deep, award winning storyline to know the answer to that and other questions (like: can a monkey really code?):
That’s right, thePimps has taken my hoes. Wow. Someone must have brainstormed diligently with a whole fucking pool party’s worth of rocket scientists and movie giants to create such a compelling plot. I bet you anything that arrogant prick M. Night Shyamlan was there wearing a speedo and admiring himself in a pocket mirror, distractedly suggesting he play the main character who goes on to change the world forever. Seriously, Pussy City Pimps is almost as bad as Lady in the Water.
Click to continue reading “Digital Nightmares – HACK EDITION”
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Over the course of the past six months, I’ve had a lot of seat time with my favorite MMO – World of Warcraft, arguably one of the most addictive and well constructed PC games of its time, but not all of the experiences have been rosy. When I began playing WoW again after a year or so hiatus, I was initially thrilled to put on my winter wardrobe to battle the undead legions of the Lich King in the frozen wasteland of Northrend, but then I realized Blizzard made a critical expansion error.
Death Knights.
See, the balance of WoW has been kept in check by a variation of classes that are built from the ground up. Starting at level 1, a paladin player will, presumably, learn the ropes on his/her way to the current level cap (as of now, 80). This can be said for most classes, with the exception of Death Knights, who begin at level 55 and practically have everything handed to them, particularly the false ideal that they are good at everything because their starting armor is better than yours. This has led to a whole new generation of frustration.
The problem with Death Knights is not simply limited to the fact that your kid can roll one on your account as long as you’ve gotten at least one character to level 55, thereby bypassing any knowledge of how to actually play in a massively populated online game, no. In addition to that, DK’s are just not very balanced. They are OP (overpowered) in their starting levels, but have a limited choice of spells and skills, making them utterly boring to play as. A friend and I both made the decision within the past few days to delete our Death Knights because frankly, we agreed that they’re not very fun to play. So basically, a Death Knight is Blizzard’s way of saying thank you to their loyal players over the years by introducing a class that a retard can have grouping with you in the Dungeon Finder within a day and in their off-time enjoys slamming square pegs into circular shaped holes while grunting. Two of the most popular and well known DK’s on the server I play on are almost always in Trade chat, shooting the breeze, they’re that bored.
Pros of being a DK: Plate armor
Cons of being a DK: Everything else
Click to continue reading “Death Knights: Not to be taken seriously.”
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Throughout my life, it had always been difficult for me to grasp what was so compelling about tabletop strategy and RPG games. I couldn’t seem to wrap my head around how fiddling with pencil and paper games and using your imagination would ever be preferable to an NES (or a NES, if you’re a retard and pronounce the console name “Ness”). And now that I’ve discovered Warhammer 40,000… well, I pretty much skipped all of it anyway, because the Dawn of War series is on the PC. Lulz.
Seriously, I never collected much of anything apart from Nintendo junk when I was under age 12, and from about 13 to 17, it was comic books. I never seemed to be able to geek out properly, not in the sense of enjoying something like tabletop games or D&D. I think the reason for that beyond their limitations in the area of graphics and sound, two big limitations when you’re a teenager, is that they were kind of boring.
That’s right, I said it. Dungeons and Dragons bored the hell out of me, as did every other copycat RPG where you rolled dice and talked a lot. No thanks, if I was going to be a loser, I was going to do it right and do it alone. It was in 2007, however, that I discovered that one of those copycats went on to become something amazing: Warhammer.
Click to continue reading “Dawn of War”
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Platitudes. Everyone speaks them, few understand how utterly obnoxious they can be. Rewind to a few months ago, I was on my ventrilo server (as in my, I own it) with my guild mates from Guild Wars. Allow me to sort of explain that, the Guild Wars thing I mean. You see, I purchased Guild Wars a long time ago, actually about four years ago when it first came out for the PC. I was looking for an RPG to play online with my friends that wasn’t an MMO. Since Guild Wars is a co-operative role playing game and not a persistent world MMO, I thought I would enjoy it. Little did I know the horrors that awaited me. Little did I know…
Let me plant a visual in your head to sort of describe the game play experience I’ve had while playing Guild Wars. You see, Guild Wars allows you to play solo, by bringing AI henchmen. You can’t solo a god damn thing unless you’re farming or vastly experienced, and the first expansion was so bug ridden you had to do some missions five times in a row in order to enchant each piece of your equipment, leading to annoyance and mostly rage. The first six months I sort of struggled through Guild Wars was kind of like fighting that crazy asshole Mike Tyson in an electrified cage when he’s got boxing gloves that are actually spiked gauntlets and I’m armed only with a really soft pillow and armor made out of novelty plastic ears. I chose a Warrior, because I always enjoy getting the Melee classes to do neat little tricks. I decided to make my secondary class Elementalist. So I’d be basically a Spellsword. If you’ve played guild wars you know where this is going, if you haven’t let me tell you something about that combination of classes… it only works in specialized circumstances, or when you know what the fuck you are doing. Thankfully, I didn’t. So I gleefully wandered around getting killed, the sheer variety of places I manged to get myself killed was really the only adventure I got to experience in my brave journey though Tyria. Dead in a marsh. Dead in a desert. Dead in a magical flying castle. Dead in a river. Dead on a mountain summit. Dead in river of molten lava, giving a dramatic thumbs up much like The Terminator. Dead in a pristine field surrounded by bunnies, piggies and magical rainbows that reflect the innocence of a child’s dream playfully in the sky. Dead along with my worthless, inept, AI controlled companions.
If you decide to go on a magical quest to save the world armed only with good intentions and a heart for adventure and these are the faces you see when you go to town to assemble a party, for your safety and sanity’s sake, just turn around and go home. Trust me.
Click to continue reading “Of Guild Wars, Platitudes, and the American Ninja”
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Popularity: 74% [?]
There has been some controversy about the newly released 4th title in the insanely popular, iconic Street Fighter video game series, all in regards to the final boss character. Named Seth, he’s bald, blue, has the ability to teleport, his stage is a high tech laboratory, and well.. he’s Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen.
That’s what it boils down to. Though this was being discussed as early as last year, the similarities are far too noticeable to be ignored by the majority, and all but the most desperate of Capcom fanboys* has to agree that this is highly suspect, and possibly even an attempt to cash in on the Watchmen film, being released today. In addition to the fact that it would have been painfully simple to strip a boss character of any extra detail, the timing is just too coincidental. I, personally, have always enjoyed Capcom’s games, but maybe they’re no longer content with ripping off of their own past material and slappnig new names on it (The Resident Evil series and Megaman 1 through holy shit, for example). They’re no strangers to just tossing out “new” editions like confetti.
Let’s list the incriminating evidence here.
Click to continue reading “Street Fighter IV – Starring: Dr. Manhattan?”
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“Fear is fascinating”
That was the official tagline for at least one title in the Clock Tower video game series that spanned at least 3 systems and is commonly regarded by fans of the survival horror genre as one of the building blocks of the craze that eventually spawned Resident Evil and Silent Hill, going as far back as the Super NES (SNES) days with Clock Tower: The First Fear. The intention of this review, however, is to focus on the Playstation version, called Clock Tower (Clock Tower 2 in its native Japan).
Unlike today’s most popular survival horror games, Clock Tower was point and click. You didn’t control the character’s body directly, but rather pointed them in the direction they needed to go in order to survive and discover items. This heightened the fear factor, as did playing as a set of characters that basically had no access to fancy weaponry. There are no flame throwers or shotguns in Clock Tower. You’re lucky if you are able to find mace or a good place to hide as the killer walks by.
Speaking of the killer, there are more than a few dangers in Clock Tower, but the real focus of the game is placed upon the infamous Norwegian child killer, Scissorman. A squat, limping psychopath whose choice of murder weapon is a giant pair of shears, Scissorman is never hesitant to use them to end your game, and main character Jennifer Simpson’s life. There are ways around meeting your doom at the hands of this prick though, including hiding in closets, under beds, and sometimes even taking the offensive and hitting him over the head with something. He never stays gone for long, but slowing him down will buy you the time you need to find important items needed to solve the final mystery.
When someone looks like this, they’re either dead or very uncomfortable.
Click to continue reading “Clock Tower”
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So I haven’t done one of these in a while, and I had a craving for old games about a week ago, so I tossed aside the newfangled for the dustfangled and prepared to swear a whole lot. I was not disappointed, but my neighbors might have been. In this volume, unlike the previous two, I’m going to focus on some nigh to completely impossible games that have little to no redeeming qualities. I mean, sure, Zelda II and Ninja Gaiden were frustrating, but they keep you coming back. This list consists of some pretty ugly, boring or just plain senseless creations of soulless monsters behind an 80′s game development kit, more commonly known as The Japanese.
Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones
Holy shit, this game is easily the hardest beat ‘em up in all history. Fuck Battletoads, the enemies in Double Dragon 3 would send them screaming back to the swamps that spawned them. In fact, if it weren’t for the cheat codes available, no one could ever beat this game, and even when you are completely invincible to all health loss, it’s still about as comfortable as watching a violent rape take place on an underage invalid (unless that sort of thing gets you in the pants, and then you’re welcome to my copy of this fucking bastard). Seriously, I can’t put this any other way but that, except possibly, you know those kung fu movies where the old man gets beat up in the beginning and left for dead, utterly incapable of defending himself against minute after grueling minute of punches, kicks, backflips, sideflips, weapons, and sadistic groin claws? Yeah, it’s pretty much like that playing this game. Sure, if you have the stomach to try and learn a pattern (hint: there’s only one pattern in this game and it’s DYING. A LOT.), maybe you can punch an enemy a few times with your ridiculously slow, fat jell-0 arms before he wakes up from his nap and continues beating you like a red-headed stepchild caught fucking the family cat.
Is it me or does Billy Lee really have to excuse himself here?
Click to continue reading “Digital Nightmares Vol. 3″
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Popularity: 30% [?]
There were enough games from the 80′s, early 90′s and even some following (mainly due to poor design/shitty camera angles) with the ability to drive a person half-insane (or in some cases, to the point of very real homicide) to choke a camel. Here are MOAR:
Zelda II: The Adventure of Link
Now don’t get me wrong about this or most of the other titles I cock back and lambaste for their murderous difficulty, I actually enjoy a lot of these games to this day, and with the lovely invention of the console emulator and advances in cheating, I enjoy them even more! On my unmistakably-named list “Holy shit – Games I remember beating when I was a kid but I don’t know how!”, Zelda 2 is at least in the top 5. I know that I didn’t do any major drugs when I was 10, so that couldn’t have been it. I suppose the random deity of your choice might have taken pity on me. Might have been alien intervention. Either way, Zelda 2 was the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing. The first couple days of playing this game, you’ll think that you have the hang of the controls and that the AI is stupidly simple even for an 80′s video game. Just wait. Nintendo is just lulling you into a false sense of “I know what I’m doing” and will, mirthfully and with very little warning, drop a metric fuckton of 8-bit aggression on your fragile ego the moment you stumble into IronKnuckle and his tiny little sword of many deaths.
This one’s on a horse, Link! RUN!
The horrifying evolutionary next step up from Darknut from the original NES Legend of Zelda, IronKnuckle was abused as a concept character and is going to take it out on your unlubricated asshole. You’ll know you’ve met one when you DIE over and over again. To be fair, the early (orange-colored) versions of this megabitch are tame compared to the blue and red ones that follow. They will brutalize you in ways Freddy Krueger would consider overkill.
Click to continue reading “Digital Nightmares Vol. 2″
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Popularity: 27% [?]
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