» Games

A Prize 6 Years in the Making

Mr. Repose — Sun, 15 May 2011 05:39:08 +0000

I swear to whatever gods will listen, if I could I would get a bottle, slap a label on it that said '6th Year Birthday Tonic' and put a big fat turd in it then mail it to the Arena Net corporate offices to express my fanboy angst in it's starkest terms. [...]

Gamespot’s Greatest Game Villains and Other Stupid Popularity Contests.

The Warden — Mon, 11 Oct 2010 19:26:15 +0000

A while back, Gamespot.com began a tier-based, vote-fueled, completely fraudulent and utterly retarded popularity contest called "All Time Greatest Game Villain" that would result in much whining and disappointment, this article included. However, as someone who grew up with nearly all of the characters involved, I feel it is a right and a duty of mine, in all the power my geeky childhood gives me to do so, to further mock what has already become a mini monument of fail. Let's take a look at how the contest worked [...]

Digital Nightmares Vol. 4

The Warden — Wed, 29 Sep 2010 01:25:32 +0000

You know, if someone had told me, long long ago, that there were quite so many shitty video games in the world, I might not have bothered collecitng them. Nonetheless, I still have a small hoard of 8 and 16 bit cartridges lying around from when I was younger, taking up space and, from a purely entertainment viewpoint, not aging all that well. Case in point, the fresher generation of angsty consumers has to wonder what the fuck we were thinking to spend money on garbage that can now be reproduced and improved upon by a teenager armed with a copy of Flash and a case of Red Bull and no life to speak of. As I play more NES roms, I realize how stupidly simple his task is. [...]

Grind Wars – Secrets of Korean Game Developers Revealed!

The Warden — Sun, 02 May 2010 12:52:39 +0000

It would appear that as a result of NP’s frequently submitted video game-related articles, the site has drawn the attention of gamers around the world, to which we say “Big deal”, but even we were shocked recently to be contacted by a man decked out in stylish fashions who may or may not have claimed to [...]

Evony – or How to trick morons into playing your game with gratutious T&A

The Warden — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 01:31:03 +0000

So if you’ve been on the internet for more than 60 minutes, you’ve already witnessed what are arguably the most hilariously exploitative, dishonest, and just plain bad “free online game” advertisements in history. IN HISTORY. I dare you to find something more pitiful and repugnant than the misleading boobs-a-poppin’ flash/banner ads for Evony, a game that’s [...]

Digital Nightmares – HACK EDITION

The Warden — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 07:35:53 +0000

Digital Nightmares is back with a special edition that our 5 readers will just go nuts over! Now while the 'Nightmares' in Digital Nightmares has, in the past, consistently stood for outrageous difficulty regardless of the quality of gameplay, Hack Edition widens the playing field; the following games are nightmares because of the near-sacrilege it was to have created them in the first place. They are hacks, the definition in this case being: ROMS that have been cosmetically altered to present different characters and/or themes than originally intended. With that out of the way, let's dip into what I found. [...]

Death Knights: Not to be taken seriously.

The Warden — Wed, 10 Feb 2010 18:09:14 +0000

Pros of being a DK: Plate armor Cons of being a DK: Everything else [...]

Dawn of War

The Warden — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 15:02:10 +0000

Throughout my life, it had always been difficult for me to grasp what was so compelling about tabletop strategy and RPG games. I couldn't seem to wrap my head around how fiddling with pencil and paper games and using your imagination would ever be preferable to an NES (or a NES, if you're a retard and pronounce the console name "Ness"). And now that I've discovered Warhammer 40,000... well, I pretty much skipped all of it anyway, because the Dawn of War series is on the PC. Lulz. [...]

Of Guild Wars, Platitudes, and the American Ninja

Mr. Repose — Tue, 10 Mar 2009 01:42:08 +0000

Let me plant a visual in your head to sort of describe the game play experience I've had while playing Guild Wars. You see, Guild Wars allows you to play solo, by bringing AI henchmen. You can't solo a god damn thing unless you're farming or vastly experienced, and the first expansion was so bug ridden you had to do some missions five times in a row in order to enchant each piece of your equipment, leading to annoyance and mostly rage. The first six months I sort of struggled through Guild Wars was kind of like fighting that crazy asshole Mike Tyson in an electrified cage when he's got boxing gloves that are actually spiked gauntlets and I'm armed only with a really soft pillow and armor made out of novelty plastic ears. I chose a Warrior, because I always enjoy getting the Melee classes to do neat little tricks. I decided to make my secondary class Elementalist. So I'd be basically a Spellsword. If you've played guild wars you know where this is going, if you haven't let me tell you something about that combination of classes... it only works in specialized circumstances, or when you know what the fuck you are doing. Thankfully, I didn't. So I gleefully wandered around getting killed, the sheer variety of places I manged to get myself killed was really the only adventure I got to experience in my brave journey though Tyria. Dead in a marsh. Dead in a desert. Dead in a magical flying castle. Dead in a river. Dead on a mountain summit. Dead in river of molten lava, giving a dramatic thumbs up much like The Terminator. Dead in a pristine field surrounded by bunnies, piggies and magical rainbows that reflect the innocence of a child's dream playfully in the sky. Dead along with my worthless, inept, AI controlled companions. [...]

Street Fighter IV – Starring: Dr. Manhattan?

The Warden — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 08:20:57 +0000

There has been some controversy about the newly released 4th title in the insanely popular, iconic Street Fighter video game series, all in regards to the final boss character. Named Seth, he's bald, blue, has the ability to teleport, his stage is a high tech laboratory, and well.. he's Dr. Manhattan from Watchmen. [...]