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The Library of Discontent

Seth MacFarlane, you’re not funny. Give it up.

Hey, you know what Family Guy, American Dad, and The Cleveland Show all have in common?  Assuming you’ve even heard of the Cleveland Show by now and have also NOT committed suicide knowing it exists, I’ll tell you: all three are the projects of a guy named Seth MacFarlane.  Seth, after an attempt in the 90′s to make children’s cartoons (and failing miserably), was eventually responsible for Family Guy, a mostly garbled animated sitcom with a lot of pointless pop culture references and segues that veer straight off a cliff into the unfunny unknown.  The show’s low percentage of actual humor is countered by shock laughs, sex gags, and uncomfortable subjects that kids shouldn’t be watching, but probably are because hey, it’s a cartoon right?  Cartoons can’t be bad.

Warning: Cartoons can be bad.  Very bad.

See, the thing about MacFarlane’s humor is that it’s funny to him and was never very funny to anyone but him, until he convinced a lot of idiots that his formula was a display of utter brilliance and laughs, the same idiots that still watch the Simpsons hoping it will ever be as good as it once was, and even then it was overrated.  The allure of making an animated sitcom is hey, you can make your characters do practically anything without worrying about budget or props, and thanks to MacFarlane, they can say anything they want too, much to the dismay of people who aren’t impressed by constant flashbacks, and those who don’t drag their knuckles when they walk.  Can anyone count the number of times in one episode without losing track, just how many times Peter “remembers the time” he <did something zany> with <famous person>?  If you said yes, there’s a good chance you’re a liar, seeing as sitting through an entire episode of that shit means you probably can’t count nearly that high.

The sad thing is, Family Guy is his best show.  It gets the most attention from writers and advertisers and as much as I hate to admit this, has a broader base to build upon than something like American Dad or The Cleveland Show.  (Trivia: The theme song originally contained a line referring to Cleveland’s “happy black-guy face,” but this was replaced with “happy mustached face” to make the song more racially sensitive.[8])

They actually changed the song to an animated Blaxploitation sitcom to be more “racially sensitive”.  Amazing.  Even if by some miracle this show does not get canceled, its fans can feel dead on the inside knowing that they kept a humorless husk plodding along.

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The Case for Dr. Horrible

Released in 2009 during the famous television writer’s strike, Joss Whedon’s Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog is a web-based mini series created by a small talented team and distributed in 3 acts over the course of about a week.  The entire production from beginning to end consists of purely brilliant writing, acting and creativity that was apparently meant to show that the writer’s strike would not make all options for entertainment impossible.  It worked.

As I watched, and watched again, I realized that there is something very familiar and comforting about this one-shot sensation.  Sure, the humor is some of the best I’ve seen, the music is incredible, and it’s going to be topping charts as one of the greatest random displays of genius that we’ve had the pleasure to see outside of the typical scripted work on TV.  But it wasn’t that.  It was Dr. Horrible himself.

Dubbed a “tragicomedy”, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog presents trials that could relate to  so many people if the rules were different.  A decent person down deep, Dr. Horrible (alias Billy) merely wants to be inducted into the Evil League of Evil for his scheming and inventing talents; a typical mad scientist, he is not brutal or murderous in the least, until someone hurts him and puts him in a position in which even non-geniuses find themselves driven to unspeakable feats, and that is where some viewers can identify.  It no longer becomes the exact same sort of humor the bubbly idiot sitting next to you is watching, and you find it funny but you find it sad too.

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There is no J in TMNT

Fans of Japanese culture frequently refer to things like J-Rock, J-Pop, etc. with much twinkling in their eyes.  These subjects of their affection are like our own Rock and Pop music, but … Japanese.  I bet you didn’t see that coming.  Some of it is pretty good, some is crap; again, just like the non-Japanese versions of the same.  However, some things should not be Japanified because the odds of them turning out less than retarded are not good, and these include classic American cartoon heroes.  I mean, when has this ever worked?  In this case, it was the once mega-popular Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that suffered the weirdness of the land of the rising sun.

You know them.  The four lovable green mutants born to popular culture in the 80′s, enjoying a vast empire of toys, t-shirts and other junk.  The funny thing is, the cartoon was actually good.  Not to criticize the Japanese in particular here as well, but the closest “big hit” I can think of to compare TMNT to would be the Japanese-created Dragonball Z.  It was crap.  The plots were formulaic and dull, and the dialog was a crime.

In contrast, the TMNT’s had none of the super duper world demolishing powers of the DBZ cast, but the scripts were exceedingly well done and the show was actually funny and clever… and they also didn’t spend two thirds of one half hour episode doing internal monologues about how they were about to fight, even as their enemy just stood there.  DBZ was so ridiculous I think it made its target generation’s fans dumber than hell.

At one time, I would have thought that if a Japanese company borrowed the turtles and put them into new situations with the style of animation I come to enjoy as a teenager when anime was becoming a sensation in the west, that the result would be pure awesomeness.  I would have thought wrong.

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The Many Faces of Keith Olbermann

You probably know Keith Olbermann, even if you don’t recognize his name off-hand.  Mr. O is the cocky mouthpiece of a new, neurotic generation of liberal reporting.  He gets people out of their seats for at least the time it takes for his show to be over and reality TV to start.  Why?  Because he’s “intense”.  His views are “revolutionary”.  His words are “impactful”.  And he insults Bush a lot.  Mostly it’s because he insults Bush a lot.

In truth, it’s quite obvious to the intelligent amongst us that he’s completely and utterly full of shit.  I have never seen anyone quite like Keith ‘Doberman’ Olbermann, a man so blatantly aroused at the sound of his own voice and earning megabucks to read “his” thoughts from a teleprompter, a raging boner the size of Texas rubbing against his bulging wallet, and yet he has the gaul to pretend that he gives a sideways pityfuck about any of us.  Most people don’t even notice the tell-tale signs of a bullshit artist, but don’t worry.  This might help.  I’ve collected a series of screenshots from a single Olbermann video reposted on Youtube from yesterday along with a few captions of what I think ole Keith is really saying.

The Many Faces of Keith Olbermann:


There's nothing I despise more than people who aren't me.

There's nothing I despise more than people who aren't me.


Say, here’s a great intro.  Not that he doesn’t look like this throughout the vast majority of everything he’s ever done, but bear in mind, this was capped in the first 4 seconds of content… a facial expression that I would literally consider punching any human being that looked at me in such a way with in real life.  Everything about his face says contempt, not passion.  People who talk to you through cocked eyebrows probably don’t care about you, not that I’m listing this as a personal fault of his since I hate most of you too.. but I’m not saying I do on national television.

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Jam Box

Consider This

The first method for estimating the intelligence of a ruler is to look at the men he has around him. — Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince