Category Archives: Editorials

OC Do Not Steal: The Bizarre Cult of Sonic the Hedgehog

09 Sep 2014

Of all the things on the interbutts that I’ve ever encountered in my years, I find that there’s one particular fandom that stands out.  Sure there’s otaku, cosplayers, furries, and role-players who all bring their own unique form of drama and cult like fervor for the target of their obsessions; however, it’s rare to find a fan base that combines so many to create a Frankensteinian horror to lurch it’s way through the internet like one of the great old ones breaking the bindings that hold them deep in the heart of the city of R’lyeh.   A twisted amalgamation of sheer awkward stupidity that would put even the most ridiculous AOL roleplay profile to shame.  I of course speak of that dreaded dreamless cult that sleeps deep in the bowels of the net.  The cult of… and forgive me dear reader for some mild trepidation in calling for it’s name for fear they may be listening… Sonic the Hedgehog.

You heard me, Sonic the fucking Hedgehog.  You see, the Sonic games themselves took a bizarre design turn somewhere between Sonic 3 and Sonic Heroes for the Dreamcast creating a huge number of furry-tastic side characters!  For those of you who never grew up in the 90s or ever owned a Sega console, allow me to fill you in before we continue, Sonic was Sega’s answer to Nintendo’s Mario.  Basically he was their mascot character, and from a gameplay perspective they were nothing alike.  Mario games tend to be more focused on exploration, platforming, and occasional puzzle solving.  Whereas Sonic games involved you basically trying to control a blue spinning ball as it rockets around like a small child that has been given a coffee enema.  The levels were on rails and you’d just watch as your little blue ball rolled it’s way to the finish line.  Exciting!

For some reason… reasons I have yet to determine the source of, Sonic has become extremely popular with furries.  I found several pages that go on for extreme lengths about the history of the Sonic Fandom and how it’s apparently like the snake eating it’s tail or something like that, and aside from boring me to tears it never seemed to get into the part where it turned into the AOL Roleplay of this generation.  Something needs to be done to stem the tide.  Don’t believe me? Do me a favor.  Navigate your way to Google/Bing and type your first name followed by ‘The Hedgehog.’  Go on, I’ll wait.

*elevator music*

Oh, you’re back!  Now you see exactly what I’m talking about.  The furry community has latched on to this video game mascot with a bizarre fervor that I have yet to fully understand.  All I know is that somewhere in the world someone is possibly erotic roleplaying with my name as a furry Sonic the Hedgehog ripoff character, and this disturbs me to the core.  That ever elusive ‘why,’ chasing it has led me down a trail of fail that would put even the worst ex-Flame Town poster to shame.  There are hundreds of characters, who their creators all claim are original, which are basically re-colors of Sonic the Hedgehog.  Many of them are his ‘children’ or lovers, in some cases both.  There’s immortal Hedgehogs, evil Hedgehogs, vampire Hedgehogs, and of course sexy erotic roleplay hedgehogs.    Well, actually, sometimes you don’t need to be a hedgehog, they just seem to make up different combinations.  Bunny hedgehogs, dog hedgehogs, walrus hedgehogs, the possibilities are endless!

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Spam Catalog: A Swirling Vortex of Fail

07 Apr 2009

When I first registered to Blog Catalog, I did so at the behest of The Warden.    Somehow, I was under the mistaken impression that it was a good site to ‘get noticed’ on.   I was only half right, as it’s a good place to get noticed by Habeeb and Hadji’s spam emporium, good luck finding a breathing and intelligent human being in this seething pit of stupidity.   I don’t know who moderates this site, but whoever it is must be the most down syndrome infested retard to ever walk the face of the earth.   Holy shit, I have never seen so many Viagra blogs, recycled content blogs, crappy online storefront blogs, ‘blogging tips’ blogs and ‘make money online’ blogs in my entire life.   This site barely encourages ‘networking’, it’s a lot easier to just add every spammer who makes a friend request and leaves a stupid comment on your ‘shout box’ than to try and pick and choose.   If you’re looking for actual humans and not whoever is surfing the web looking to promote his Viagra blog while working from his local Sprint call center in New Delhi, then you, my friend, are fucked.

It’s fairly common on some sites to have junk, and such.    You can’t keep all the spammers out, which is true in and of itself.   Whereas most sites at least endeavor to keep most of the spammers out, Blog Catalog has taken a unique and novel approach to the spam issue… they don’t even try to prevent it.   I spent three hours today clicking blogs, of the blogs I clicked only 2 of them were actual blogs about things other than ‘blogging’ or ‘internet marketing,’ and only one of them was a blog that actually had content on it that didn’t consist of some jack-offs twitter ‘tweets.’    This isn’t the only day I’ve tried to find some people a random either, but some days I try to find people by interests.   So I would go to say the ‘humor’ group and browse the members there, and they were Indians as well! It’s like a really boring version of Night Of The Living Dead only instead of zombies trying to eat your brains it’s Indian guys trying to sell you cell phones and cheap prescription medications.

Click The Image for A Larger Version

Oh, what’s that?  ‘It can’t be that bad.’  Yeah, take a look at these shout box comments that I’ve had the pleasure of receiving, they are so legit and not at all generic form spam intended solely to get people to come to their blog and buy shoes made by slave kids in Hong-Kong.

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Ghost Exist, Rly

16 Mar 2009

When I was around eight years old I was laying in my mom’s bedroom since she had the largest and most comfortable bed in the house.   We had just got home from seeing Ghostbusters 2, and I was getting sleepy.   In my state of mind, as plain as day I could have swore I saw Slimer coming from my mom’s bathroom at me.   I tried to scream but I could not.  Pinned with terror I simply waited for the vision to go away, dreadfully fearful of a possible tentacle ravishing or even more so perhaps of a possible sliming afterward, and there was no guarantee that it would be the green kind of slime.   Here’s the thing about that, I could have swore Slimer was really there.  It was obviously my imagination/sleepy state  but there are people, lots of people actually, who take things they see in a moment of say, sleep paralysis and believe it was real.  Another good example of this was one night in my old apartment where I started falling asleep but woke up mentally but not physically, so that my body was lying prone due to the aforementioned sleep paralysis and I hallucinated that a ghostly woman was coming out my closest at me and making my body cold.   When I finally managed to get my ex girlfriend to wake me by breathing loudly (it was the only way, I couldn’t yell and I couldn’t move) I discovered that the cold air being blown on me was the damn A/C vent was blowing right at me and my ex had rolled over and taken all the covers off me.  One of the big things I’ve noticed on dealing with the majority of individuals is that people firmly, and often stubbornly believe things.   Not because they need to, not because it makes sense, and certainly not because they’ve spent a great deal of time rationalizing why, but because, quite simply, they want to.  When someone wants to believe something, you’re about as likely to convince them, even in the face of overwhelming evidence, that it doesn’t make sense to go on believing whatever it as, as you are to convince them to stop drawing breath.  It’s practically a doomed enterprise.

Images like this are proofs that ghost exist.

You see, believing in things is wanted, because, well, in reality there’s no magic in life… unless you can find a certain wonderment or joy from simply meeting different people and learning new things.   Otherwise, like I said, no magic.   There’s no spirits walking around trying to wrong the bad things that they did or had happen to them in life.   Psychics are just low-level con men that have convinced themselves that the bullshit they believe and sell to other people who believe is in any way something that is actually legitimate and not a series of loose-guesses, perception and deductions that they can wrap in flowery words and package to people.   People who believe are sort of like a cult, because they all secretly doubt in some small way, and need to constantly get around people who believe and convince themselves that what they are saying makes a damn bit of sense.   It’s all about the appeal of the fantastic, real con men know all about the fantastic and the amazing, that’s their bread and butter.  How do you think famous con men like ‘Yellow Kid’ Wiel or Count Victor Lustig convinced people that they had machines that can duplicate money or that The French government has decided to sell the fucking Eiffel Tower?   They both knew one thing, people want to believe.   Those men they conned?   They believed too, and look where believing in the fantastic got them.

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Exploitation of the Dead for Fun and Profit

10 Feb 2009

If you live in Central Florida, you’d have to agree with me that this Caylee Anthony case has completely got out of control.  It’s disgusting how the media has been going on and on about this for months.  You’d almost believe there was nothing better to talk about.  Certainly not the housing crisis…

… or joblessness…

… or Central Florida Blood Banks profiteering off donated blood for their board of directors…

… or the endless homeless problem…

… or the rising murder rate…

…or the State’s lame duck do-nothing governor who only seems to be able to take a position when it comes to what brand of  brand of sun-tan lotion to use in between press conferences where he assures everyone that ‘everything’s going to be fine’ as long as you don’t ask questions or think about the situation at large, of course.

To think, that those are just things that I’ve thought of off the top of my head.

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Random Quote

Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime.

— Ernest Hemingway