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The following conversation occured at exactly 6am, bear in mind this late at night and this tired, well… we get a little retarded. 
wardenwells Mister Repose wardenwells Click to continue reading “Sharks With Lasers on Their Heads” Popularity: 3% [?] Bangoria… a land torn by strife and war. Upon it’s shattered planes and rocky mountaintops the fires of battle burn like a bloody candlelight vigil for all the warriors who have fallen in the conflicts that sweep this ever changing land. Warriors, mercinaries, assassins and even more unsavory types constantly sell their blades and sometimes their very souls to the highest bidder all in the name of profit and a chance at spoils. Yet many also hope to change this world, make a difference for good but those guys are total pussies and we’re not going to talk about them. Nay, we shall talk only of the legendary man and women who grace this theater of death. Fir though the most well-known ones shall be revealed. The most deadly and legendary warrior that roves this land is the mighty…. BEARMASTER. The BEARMASTER skates into battle, on roller blades forged in the darkest mountain and infused with the blood of two liches, a red dragon, and a werebear. The skates, as he rolls across the land, leave a perpetual bloody streak on the ground, to signify that the BEARMASTER has been there. His weapons are two bears, that are attached to whips. The bears are named Cuddles and Fuzzywuzzy. In battle the BEARMASTER skates doing flips and turns while wiping his mighty whip bears into foes, causing them to suffer an instant mauling. The BEARMASTER is a mysterious force, for he never seems to have any motive to these mauling attacks. His glorious tanned body and loincloth (woven from the hair of powerful swamp hags that he killed because they were ugly) forming a blur of flesh toned death as he buzz saws his way across the various battlefields. His long uncut blonde hair wafting dramatically in the wind as his bears maul his foes. Their blood splattering on his perfect white teeth that glisten brightly as he smiles enjoying the sheer carnage of war. His loincloth bulging with a possible erection, he is truly at home on the battlefield. Click to continue reading “Bangoria Tour Guide – The BEARMASTER” Popularity: 9% [?] It would appear that as a result of NP’s frequently submitted video game-related articles, the site has drawn the attention of gamers around the world, to which we say “Big deal”, but even we were shocked recently to be contacted by a man decked out in stylish fashions who may or may not have claimed to work for NCSoft, makers of hugely successful games like Guild Wars, Lineage, and Aion. Seriously, I’m not making this up. To prove it, here’s an interview! Warden Wells: Hi, and welcome to Nonpersons. So Mr. Repose tells me that you refuse to leave until you are satisfied that your message is appropriately conveyed to fans, claiming you may or may not work for NCSoft.
WW: Okay. Well I have to admit, I always wondered if we could get a game developer on the site for a Q&A, but NCSoft? That’s pretty amazing. So I guess I better get with the Q.
WW: Sure. So what’s your favorite game?
WW: I know about Starcraft. It’s outdated and not very fun if you ask me.
WW: Let’s talk about NCSoft’s games, and the ideal of Korean game developers in general. What’s the difference between your games and those of Japan and the more western countries?
WW: So what is the secret of Korean game development then? Note: POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD! Click to continue reading “Grind Wars – Secrets of Korean Game Developers Revealed!” Popularity: 15% [?] It’s a fair question, isn’t it? While it’s true that many of these “authors” are not being paid for their work, and even the ones who are become uncannily lazy in the alluring bask of fame, that’s just no excuse to publish shitty content to your audience simply because you know they have no better expectations than what you have to offer. During an enlightening conversation with Mr. Repose, I decided I could do much worse than to expose some of the reasons that the vast majority of webcomics will probably always be lamesauce. Sadly, the first word that comes to my mind when I think of webcomics is not “funny”, but rather “failure”. In a virtual world where most people have no personality decipherable from some other blockhead sitting two seats down on one of the other library computers, some of these boring, unfulfilled sheep use the vast array of 5 or 6 genuinely “unique” characters on countless webcomics to make themselves feel that they can identify with someone… even if they’re not real. Then when someone they met online asks them what they’re like in real life, they can have a lie at the ready: Billyskater93: I’m like Brandon, the super cool guitarist in METALCOMIC. Here’s a link to his bio. One idiot lying to another idiot. The fact is that Brandon’s clone looks nothing like the character would look as a real person, and is in fact 260 lbs. and his knowledge of guitars is that he’s seen them on MTV. Oh and Sally is probably a guy. It’s not a problem when you compare yourself to a fictional character, lots of people do that, but when you give someone an unrealistic outlook about you and start to believe that you’re successful and awesome simply by the virtue of optimism, this can only lead to disappointment. Another strong selling point to readers and simultaneously, the most obnoxious thing about webcomics, is the attitude. Never before have cocky expressions and raised eyebrows received so much undue popularity outside of an animated film produced by Dreamworks. In some comics, that’s the whole fucking punchline! An “edgy” look of disgust, hate, and/or confusion. You know, if these guys just didn’t bother trying to come up with filler, we could all enjoy webcomics for what they really are: Click to continue reading “Hey, why do webcomics suck so much?” Popularity: 16% [?] If you’ve ever wondered where furries hang out when they’re not dressed up in ridiculous costumes buggering each other in a dark closet.. first of all, get your head checked, then read the rest of this article, because this might be one possible answer to that disturbing question. Say hello to my new favorite website - What’s more amazing than how utterly fucking creepy the concept of complete strangers getting together to “cuddle” is, is that this has been going on since 2004 and I’ve only just heard of it. That’s a crime. On those lonely nights when I really could have used someone to viciously mock, Cuddle Party managed to fly beneath my freak radar. I forgive them though. There’s no time like the present, after all. So in short, in case you didn’t bother clicking the link or are too stunned to take in all that stupid nonsense at once, Cuddle Party is like group therapy for touchy-feely people. There’s even an application to become a facilitator. Despite the assurances of Cuddle Party (god I feel so stupid when I type that out), you can bet your voluptuous butt cheeks that there are some weirdos who attempt to sign up so they can cop a feel of a random middle aged woman’s subtly wrinkled sweet meats. Mmmm. Meat. The funniest bit to me is that most of the people you see in the videos are pretty funky looking. You know why? Because attractive people get cuddled whenever they want it and they don’t need a special pajama party. lol Popularity: 50% [?] You know, recently I’ve been mulling over a scenario that would probably work out better for me than the rest of you. That’s not to say that it would be entirely bad, well… depending of course as to what kind of person you are. The scenario is, what would happen if I became, either through fortune or conquest, the next great dictator of the world? So before I get a bit too dreamy eyed and start envisioning myself gloriously riding on tanks through the burning cities of those who dared, dared I say, to oppose my glorious vision for the future. Before I start to get a twinkle in my eye at the thought of standing before kings and politicians who my soldiers are forcing to bow at my feet. Before I get a raging boner thinking of the bountiful bosoms of the liberated womenfolk massaging my face like soft doughy sacks of warm chest fruit. I decided to put myself into a degree of perspective and run through my whole rein from glorious rise to inevitable fall, with advice I have received through the reading of Machiavelli, Sun Tzu, and Robert Greene (Author of the recent book, The 48 Laws of Power). Bearing in mind of course, that I won’t be following their advice at all. So please, allow me to describe to you a majestic and gut wrenching (especially for enemy sympathizers and spies, but slightly more literal if you catch my drift) journey into a world where the next great dictator liberates you, The People, and brings an age of untold prosperity and atrocities unto all mankind.
Phase One: The Planning (Codename: Operation Chili Con Queso)
The codename is based on the fact that, due to budget constraints during the planning process, I will be forced to assemble my dark council at the local Taco Bell. Click to continue reading “The World Is Not Enough” Popularity: 56% [?] Fans of Japanese culture frequently refer to things like J-Rock, J-Pop, etc. with much twinkling in their eyes. These subjects of their affection are like our own Rock and Pop music, but … Japanese. I bet you didn’t see that coming. Some of it is pretty good, some is crap; again, just like the non-Japanese versions of the same. However, some things should not be Japanified because the odds of them turning out less than retarded are not good, and these include classic American cartoon heroes. I mean, when has this ever worked? In this case, it was the once mega-popular Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that suffered the weirdness of the land of the rising sun. You know them. The four lovable green mutants born to popular culture in the 80′s, enjoying a vast empire of toys, t-shirts and other junk. The funny thing is, the cartoon was actually good. Not to criticize the Japanese in particular here as well, but the closest “big hit” I can think of to compare TMNT to would be the Japanese-created Dragonball Z. It was crap. The plots were formulaic and dull, and the dialog was a crime. In contrast, the TMNT’s had none of the super duper world demolishing powers of the DBZ cast, but the scripts were exceedingly well done and the show was actually funny and clever… and they also didn’t spend two thirds of one half hour episode doing internal monologues about how they were about to fight, even as their enemy just stood there. DBZ was so ridiculous I think it made its target generation’s fans dumber than hell. At one time, I would have thought that if a Japanese company borrowed the turtles and put them into new situations with the style of animation I come to enjoy as a teenager when anime was becoming a sensation in the west, that the result would be pure awesomeness. I would have thought wrong. Click to continue reading “There is no J in TMNT” Popularity: 61% [?] As a sentient species, we are ever driven to discover. This has led to many amazing accomplishments, such as: - Skyscrapers But sometimes, and by sometimes I mean most of the time, we overestimate our cognitive capabilities and end up bruised and broken (hence, the Darwin awards). The following are a few of the things that should be properly labeled so we don’t hurt our stupid selves quite so much: 1.) Likable People: This is a no-brainer, specifically in reference to romantic attraction, or as some of you would refer to it, “getting a lil’ sumthin’ sumthin’”; clear labels should be applied to all people who are above a certain level of likability so if you know yourself to be an emotional suction cup, they will provide a stark reminder of how you’re just risking another potentially devastating relationship failure that will tear you up inside for possibly many years and make you question everything about yourself in a fruitless effort to find out exactly what it is that people find so repulsive about you that they don’t want to include you in their future. The labels would be color-coded according to base likability, like so - Grey: People in the grey range are not very likable. These are the kinds of people who tell you spreadsheet jokes at the office followed by their own hollow laughter, and own at least 3 coffee mugs with Star Trek characters on them. In actuality, there may as well not even be a label for these harmless amoebae, but in the event one is accidentally killed in a freak printer accident, the officers on duty will be able to take one look at their color, quickly file them under “No big loss” and get back to investigating serious matters. Yellow: A step up from grey, yellow people can be likable under certain circumstances, but are otherwise intolerable. If they stick to their area of expertise then they provoke little irritation from peers, but if they step out of bounds, they must be reminded that simply because they’re yellow does not mean they’re intelligent or good at ping pong. You could take a yellow label to the prom just so you have someone to go with, but pay them 10 dollars in advance not to speak. Click to continue reading “Warning Labels” Popularity: 47% [?] |
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Spam Catalog: A Swirling Vortex of Fail
When I first registered to Blog Catalog, I did so at the behest of The Warden. Somehow, I was under the mistaken impression that it was a good site to ‘get noticed’ on. I was only half right, as it’s a good place to get noticed by Habeeb and Hadji’s spam emporium, good luck finding a breathing and intelligent human being in this seething pit of stupidity. I don’t know who moderates this site, but whoever it is must be the most down syndrome infested retard to ever walk the face of the earth. Holy shit, I have never seen so many Viagra blogs, recycled content blogs, crappy online storefront blogs, ‘blogging tips’ blogs and ‘make money online’ blogs in my entire life. This site barely encourages ‘networking’, it’s a lot easier to just add every spammer who makes a friend request and leaves a stupid comment on your ‘shout box’ than to try and pick and choose. If you’re looking for actual humans and not whoever is surfing the web looking to promote his Viagra blog while working from his local Sprint call center in New Delhi, then you, my friend, are fucked.
It’s fairly common on some sites to have junk, and such. You can’t keep all the spammers out, which is true in and of itself. Whereas most sites at least endeavor to keep most of the spammers out, Blog Catalog has taken a unique and novel approach to the spam issue… they don’t even try to prevent it. I spent three hours today clicking blogs, of the blogs I clicked only 2 of them were actual blogs about things other than ‘blogging’ or ‘internet marketing,’ and only one of them was a blog that actually had content on it that didn’t consist of some jack-offs twitter ‘tweets.’ This isn’t the only day I’ve tried to find some people a random either, but some days I try to find people by interests. So I would go to say the ‘humor’ group and browse the members there, and they were Indians as well! It’s like a really boring version of Night Of The Living Dead only instead of zombies trying to eat your brains it’s Indian guys trying to sell you cell phones and cheap prescription medications.
Click The Image for A Larger Version
Oh, what’s that? ‘It can’t be that bad.’ Yeah, take a look at these shout box comments that I’ve had the pleasure of receiving, they are so legit and not at all generic form spam intended solely to get people to come to their blog and buy shoes made by slave kids in Hong-Kong.
Click to continue reading “Spam Catalog: A Swirling Vortex of Fail”
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Popularity: 82% [?]