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You know, if someone had told me, long long ago, that there were quite so many shitty video games in the world, I might not have bothered collecitng them. Nonetheless, I still have a small hoard of 8 and 16 bit cartridges lying around from when I was younger, taking up space and, from a purely entertainment viewpoint, not aging all that well. Case in point, the fresher generation of angsty consumers has to wonder what the fuck we were thinking to spend money on garbage that can now be reproduced and improved upon by a teenager armed with a copy of Flash and a case of Red Bull and no life to speak of. As I play more NES roms, I realize how stupidly simple his task is. Most of these game developers had no clue how to create an enjoyable product. Oh, but you know the drill by this point. Now comes the part where I shed light on the evidence to support my previous claim. Yay! All aboard the 80′s Fail Train. Fasten your cartoon headgear.
(And Sir or madam, if you grew up with some of these games, I have little trouble believing that you now wear a crash helmet)
If any of you were into the anime craze of the late 80′s/early 90′s, you may have sought out some ‘classics’ of the genre, including some of the more “serious” films like Akira, Ninja Scroll and Fist of the North Star. Not to say that these films were intellectual fair or anything; people just swore a whole lot and half the cast or more ended up dying violently, and death is pretty serious, or so I’ve heard. Fist of the North Star, or FotNS, upped the ante by making the deaths ridiculously gory and sometimes just plain stupid. Ken Shiro, the protagonist, was a post-apocalyptic hybrid of Bruce Lee and Mad Max (no joke, that’s precisely what the original graphic novel creator was going for), who had somehow mastered a deadly form of martial art that caused the human body’s physiology to alter itself radically and well, long story short, his victims contorted, swelled, and exploded in torrents of blood and guts. Sometimes all he had to do was touch them just right to begin a typical sequence of nigh-comical hyper violence. Obviously, this was a good idea for a Nintendo game, because if we’ve been taught anything, it’s that 8 bit graphics realistically convey splatterhouse carnage and other organic special effects without looking like pixelated horse crap.
Oh wait.
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There was a time in my life, when I had a near-death experience. Though there was no tunnel of light, and the ghosts of my loved ones to greet me or anything quite as dramatic as that. Since I did not actually achieve cardiac arrest, thankfully due to the fact that fortune smiled upon me. For once.
Several years ago, I used to work for a small-time computer wholesaler, and one of my co-workers was this Russian guy named Dmitri. Dmitri’s family was originally from Moscow, they fled the soviet bloc in the 90s due to the political changes taking place and the sudden dramatic rise in the crime rate and corruption, as well as the higher cost of living. That’s all I really knew of his family’s situation. Dmitri himself seemed to wax nostalgic about the good-ole days growing up in Russia. He said ‘it wasn’t that bad.’ He was semi-built, but shorter than me by about seven or eight inches, had brown hair center-part and almost shoulder-length, to give you an idea what he looked like.
Dmitri and I actually had no reason to get along, he was my opposite in terms of what he did for fun and what his hobbies were. He tended to like really heavy rock and metal, either screaming lyrics or dumb shit like Saliva. You know, the guys responsible for that obnoxious ‘click-click boom’ song. He was also a car enthusiast, and would often tell me about his car, which was a Mazda RX-7. One time giving me a ride in his, he managed to achieve a speed of about ninety five miles per hour on the highway adjacent to our building. A ballsy move considering the speed limit was only forty five. Often these fairly one-sided conversations were about the supposed superiority of rotary engines to the standard, and he would often download engine sounds and play them at me, explaining the differences in great detail. To me all I heard was a bunch of obnoxious and loud noise, but his eyes seemed to light up with excitement every time, which I never understood why. In addition he had a tendency to really like clubs, and drinking. Especially drinking.
What we had in common was twofold. First we hated the working conditions we had to put up with at our place of employment. The wages were low for the technicians, even though not everyone could do what we did, but the sales people made about a thousand a week. We were barely making three hundred. We were working for Chinese Jews though, so perhaps some stereotypes can be true on occasion? To give you an idea, the owner was this old Chinese lady, who sat in an office filled with gold and jade statues and wall-hangings, behind a massive mahogany desk that had to at least have cost a small fortune because the top was surfaced with a jade slab. She would pull us in this office and tell us how they could not give us raises whenever we asked for better pay. I myself, worked there for almost four years without even a slight pay increase. They probably still wonder why I stopped showing up on time.
Click to continue reading “A Hell-Ride in the Trust Me Car”
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Other equally good titles for this article could have been:
Craig’s List Hot Tub (And Other Bad Ideas)
Build Your Own Home Mosquito Nest
Like Hammer Onto Big Toe
Creeping Mold in the Carpets and Other Tales of Horror
They were not chosen due to the fact that they only cover one aspect of this spiral of fail that could only have been achieved through a combination of gross incompetence, stupidity, testosterone, and stubborn defiance which has become increasingly obvious to be par for the course when dealing with my brothers.
So, this spiral staircase into Hell begins at a familiar destination, Craig’s List. Part online trading post and part hooker solicitation service Craigs List is home to (mostly) defective and useless junk that other people attempt to sell to suckers for a quick buck. With that in mind, in walks my brothers deciding to purchase a hot tub to go into my mother’s condo. Of course a discount hot tub that they haven’t even planned the logistics of how the fuck to even get it inside of the house could be nothing but an amazing idea. So the younger of the two brothers of mine shows up at the house one day with a hot tub in the bed of his hitch trailer (in true alcoholic conservative fashion he runs a lawn care business), several of his retarded ‘friends’ (people that hang out with him so they can smoke his weed), and absolutely no plan whatsoever.
There are many layers to this onion of failure, but I think it would be wise to reveal them in the same order I figured them out, for maximum comedy. I’d like to preface the following by saying that from the start I thought this hot tub thing was a terrible idea. A local radio guy I listen to recently had purchased a hot tub on, you guessed it, craig’s list and it was defective to say the least. I think I even told my brothers his tale of woe, but being young and with that ‘whatever I do what I want’ attitude they basically ignored me. Allow me to also state, and I say this with as little arrogance as possible, that usually when I think something is a bad idea (especially when it’s a plan or idea of my family’s) it usually turns out to be even worse than I imagine it to be.
Click to continue reading “Hot Tub Waste-of-Time Machine”
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The following conversation occured at exactly 6am, bear in mind this late at night and this tired, well… we get a little retarded.
Mister Repose
this
is
what
i
would
do
with
the
united
states
defense
budget
wardenwells
lol wut
Mister Repose
sharks
with muthafuckin lasers
on thier heads
wardenwells
how do they shoot them, or are they on all the time?
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Bangoria… a land torn by strife and war. Upon it’s shattered planes and rocky mountaintops the fires of battle burn like a bloody candlelight vigil for all the warriors who have fallen in the conflicts that sweep this ever changing land. Warriors, mercinaries, assassins and even more unsavory types constantly sell their blades and sometimes their very souls to the highest bidder all in the name of profit and a chance at spoils. Yet many also hope to change this world, make a difference for good but those guys are total pussies and we’re not going to talk about them. Nay, we shall talk only of the legendary man and women who grace this theater of death. Fir though the most well-known ones shall be revealed.
The most deadly and legendary warrior that roves this land is the mighty…. BEARMASTER.
The BEARMASTER skates into battle, on roller blades forged in the darkest mountain and infused with the blood of two liches, a red dragon, and a werebear. The skates, as he rolls across the land, leave a perpetual bloody streak on the ground, to signify that the BEARMASTER has been there. His weapons are two bears, that are attached to whips. The bears are named Cuddles and Fuzzywuzzy. In battle the BEARMASTER skates doing flips and turns while wiping his mighty whip bears into foes, causing them to suffer an instant mauling.
The BEARMASTER is a mysterious force, for he never seems to have any motive to these mauling attacks. His glorious tanned body and loincloth (woven from the hair of powerful swamp hags that he killed because they were ugly) forming a blur of flesh toned death as he buzz saws his way across the various battlefields. His long uncut blonde hair wafting dramatically in the wind as his bears maul his foes. Their blood splattering on his perfect white teeth that glisten brightly as he smiles enjoying the sheer carnage of war. His loincloth bulging with a possible erection, he is truly at home on the battlefield.
Click to continue reading “Bangoria Tour Guide – The BEARMASTER”
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It would appear that as a result of NP’s frequently submitted video game-related articles, the site has drawn the attention of gamers around the world, to which we say “Big deal”, but even we were shocked recently to be contacted by a man decked out in stylish fashions who may or may not have claimed to work for NCSoft, makers of hugely successful games like Guild Wars, Lineage, and Aion. Seriously, I’m not making this up. To prove it, here’s an interview!
Warden Wells: Hi, and welcome to Nonpersons. So Mr. Repose tells me that you refuse to leave until you are satisfied that your message is appropriately conveyed to fans, claiming you may or may not work for NCSoft.
 Ayep. That’s right. I work for NCSoft, pubrisha of a-huge games you rikey pray. We all super cool.
WW: Okay. Well I have to admit, I always wondered if we could get a game developer on the site for a Q&A, but NCSoft? That’s pretty amazing. So I guess I better get with the Q.
Ayep. I didn’t come here for yo goddamn shit. You waste enough time and space making huge brack bar on my Asian face. Rookit all dat waste of brack. Pitiful.
WW: Sure. So what’s your favorite game?
Well, you probably not know about Koreans since you just dumb American retard pray Madden games all day, but we have game called Starcraft, very new wave. Hip unrike your shirt. Pray onrine all day, score super hot babies. Yeaaaah!
WW: I know about Starcraft. It’s outdated and not very fun if you ask me.
You could-a get seriourousry kirred in my country for talking so much nonsensy shit, Warden a-Whitewells. Starcraft best game ever. Kim Jong Il invent dat like toaster, internet porn, and chibi. Do not upset grorious reader!
WW: Let’s talk about NCSoft’s games, and the ideal of Korean game developers in general. What’s the difference between your games and those of Japan and the more western countries?
JAPAN?? Japan don’t know goddamn shit about games, too busy stuffing octopus in womb to pay special attention to most powerful game erement of rife.
WW: So what is the secret of Korean game development then? Note: POSSIBLE SPOILERS AHEAD!
Click to continue reading “Grind Wars – Secrets of Korean Game Developers Revealed!”
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It’s a fair question, isn’t it? While it’s true that many of these “authors” are not being paid for their work, and even the ones who are become uncannily lazy in the alluring bask of fame, that’s just no excuse to publish shitty content to your audience simply because you know they have no better expectations than what you have to offer. During an enlightening conversation with Mr. Repose, I decided I could do much worse than to expose some of the reasons that the vast majority of webcomics will probably always be lamesauce.
Sadly, the first word that comes to my mind when I think of webcomics is not “funny”, but rather “failure”. In a virtual world where most people have no personality decipherable from some other blockhead sitting two seats down on one of the other library computers, some of these boring, unfulfilled sheep use the vast array of 5 or 6 genuinely “unique” characters on countless webcomics to make themselves feel that they can identify with someone… even if they’re not real. Then when someone they met online asks them what they’re like in real life, they can have a lie at the ready:
Billyskater93: I’m like Brandon, the super cool guitarist in METALCOMIC. Here’s a link to his bio.
SallyJuniperxoxo: That’s so awesome! Do you play guitar? ^_^;
Billyskater93: I’m learning. Also I’m thinner than Brandon. LOL!!
One idiot lying to another idiot. The fact is that Brandon’s clone looks nothing like the character would look as a real person, and is in fact 260 lbs. and his knowledge of guitars is that he’s seen them on MTV. Oh and Sally is probably a guy.
It’s not a problem when you compare yourself to a fictional character, lots of people do that, but when you give someone an unrealistic outlook about you and start to believe that you’re successful and awesome simply by the virtue of optimism, this can only lead to disappointment.
Another strong selling point to readers and simultaneously, the most obnoxious thing about webcomics, is the attitude. Never before have cocky expressions and raised eyebrows received so much undue popularity outside of an animated film produced by Dreamworks. In some comics, that’s the whole fucking punchline! An “edgy” look of disgust, hate, and/or confusion. You know, if these guys just didn’t bother trying to come up with filler, we could all enjoy webcomics for what they really are:
Click to continue reading “Hey, why do webcomics suck so much?”
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Friends are awesome. It doesn’t matter what they look like, where they live, or what they do for a living; the important thing is that they stimulate you to try your hand at previously undiscovered territory in your hobbies and/or talents, for example writing mean-spirited rants about their common sense deprived non-mutual acquaintances. Today’s subject: Ridiculous footwear and the people that love it.
Now I was introduced to the following link, which I knew was going to be gold the moment I was asked “Ok, how gay is this?”, by one such friend. I prepared with a strange mix of glee and trepidation for the sparkling trove yet to be unveiled when Firefox finally decided to load. I was not disappointed. Feast your eyes on the Vibram brand Fivefingers KSO for men:
http://www.vibramfivefingers.com/products/products_KSO_m.cfm
Yes, those are real shoes designed, presumably, by real people and not crazed hippy gorillas injecting drano straight into their corneas for a buzz, but it’s not like anyone would blame you for making the mistake. They give the appearance of being rather uncomfortable, they’re stupidly overpriced, and the name KSO stands for “KEEPS STUFF OUT”. Brilliant! (not really) The most important thing, however, is that they look fucking retarded and I would be embarrassed to be seen in them, especially if the people around me knew they carried a price tag of $85.
However, that’s not the best part.
Click to continue reading “Vibram FiveFingers KSO – Footwear for your favorite idiot.”
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If you’ve ever wondered where furries hang out when they’re not dressed up in ridiculous costumes buggering each other in a dark closet.. first of all, get your head checked, then read the rest of this article, because this might be one possible answer to that disturbing question. Say hello to my new favorite website -
www.cuddleparty.com
What’s more amazing than how utterly fucking creepy the concept of complete strangers getting together to “cuddle” is, is that this has been going on since 2004 and I’ve only just heard of it. That’s a crime. On those lonely nights when I really could have used someone to viciously mock, Cuddle Party managed to fly beneath my freak radar. I forgive them though. There’s no time like the present, after all.
So in short, in case you didn’t bother clicking the link or are too stunned to take in all that stupid nonsense at once, Cuddle Party is like group therapy for touchy-feely people. There’s even an application to become a facilitator. Despite the assurances of Cuddle Party (god I feel so stupid when I type that out), you can bet your voluptuous butt cheeks that there are some weirdos who attempt to sign up so they can cop a feel of a random middle aged woman’s subtly wrinkled sweet meats. Mmmm. Meat.
The funniest bit to me is that most of the people you see in the videos are pretty funky looking. You know why? Because attractive people get cuddled whenever they want it and they don’t need a special pajama party. lol
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When I first registered to Blog Catalog, I did so at the behest of The Warden. Somehow, I was under the mistaken impression that it was a good site to ‘get noticed’ on. I was only half right, as it’s a good place to get noticed by Habeeb and Hadji’s spam emporium, good luck finding a breathing and intelligent human being in this seething pit of stupidity. I don’t know who moderates this site, but whoever it is must be the most down syndrome infested retard to ever walk the face of the earth. Holy shit, I have never seen so many Viagra blogs, recycled content blogs, crappy online storefront blogs, ‘blogging tips’ blogs and ‘make money online’ blogs in my entire life. This site barely encourages ‘networking’, it’s a lot easier to just add every spammer who makes a friend request and leaves a stupid comment on your ‘shout box’ than to try and pick and choose. If you’re looking for actual humans and not whoever is surfing the web looking to promote his Viagra blog while working from his local Sprint call center in New Delhi, then you, my friend, are fucked.
It’s fairly common on some sites to have junk, and such. You can’t keep all the spammers out, which is true in and of itself. Whereas most sites at least endeavor to keep most of the spammers out, Blog Catalog has taken a unique and novel approach to the spam issue… they don’t even try to prevent it. I spent three hours today clicking blogs, of the blogs I clicked only 2 of them were actual blogs about things other than ‘blogging’ or ‘internet marketing,’ and only one of them was a blog that actually had content on it that didn’t consist of some jack-offs twitter ‘tweets.’ This isn’t the only day I’ve tried to find some people a random either, but some days I try to find people by interests. So I would go to say the ‘humor’ group and browse the members there, and they were Indians as well! It’s like a really boring version of Night Of The Living Dead only instead of zombies trying to eat your brains it’s Indian guys trying to sell you cell phones and cheap prescription medications.
Click The Image for A Larger Version
Oh, what’s that? ‘It can’t be that bad.’ Yeah, take a look at these shout box comments that I’ve had the pleasure of receiving, they are so legit and not at all generic form spam intended solely to get people to come to their blog and buy shoes made by slave kids in Hong-Kong.
Click to continue reading “Spam Catalog: A Swirling Vortex of Fail”
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Spam Catalog: A Swirling Vortex of Fail
When I first registered to Blog Catalog, I did so at the behest of The Warden. Somehow, I was under the mistaken impression that it was a good site to ‘get noticed’ on. I was only half right, as it’s a good place to get noticed by Habeeb and Hadji’s spam emporium, good luck finding a breathing and intelligent human being in this seething pit of stupidity. I don’t know who moderates this site, but whoever it is must be the most down syndrome infested retard to ever walk the face of the earth. Holy shit, I have never seen so many Viagra blogs, recycled content blogs, crappy online storefront blogs, ‘blogging tips’ blogs and ‘make money online’ blogs in my entire life. This site barely encourages ‘networking’, it’s a lot easier to just add every spammer who makes a friend request and leaves a stupid comment on your ‘shout box’ than to try and pick and choose. If you’re looking for actual humans and not whoever is surfing the web looking to promote his Viagra blog while working from his local Sprint call center in New Delhi, then you, my friend, are fucked.
It’s fairly common on some sites to have junk, and such. You can’t keep all the spammers out, which is true in and of itself. Whereas most sites at least endeavor to keep most of the spammers out, Blog Catalog has taken a unique and novel approach to the spam issue… they don’t even try to prevent it. I spent three hours today clicking blogs, of the blogs I clicked only 2 of them were actual blogs about things other than ‘blogging’ or ‘internet marketing,’ and only one of them was a blog that actually had content on it that didn’t consist of some jack-offs twitter ‘tweets.’ This isn’t the only day I’ve tried to find some people a random either, but some days I try to find people by interests. So I would go to say the ‘humor’ group and browse the members there, and they were Indians as well! It’s like a really boring version of Night Of The Living Dead only instead of zombies trying to eat your brains it’s Indian guys trying to sell you cell phones and cheap prescription medications.
Click The Image for A Larger Version
Oh, what’s that? ‘It can’t be that bad.’ Yeah, take a look at these shout box comments that I’ve had the pleasure of receiving, they are so legit and not at all generic form spam intended solely to get people to come to their blog and buy shoes made by slave kids in Hong-Kong.
Click to continue reading “Spam Catalog: A Swirling Vortex of Fail”
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