Newsflash: In an interesting turn of events, humanity discovered on April 17th of this year that we shouldn’t stab people because it can kill them! While perusing the headlines this morning, this story caught my eye.

A man has appeared in court to deny the manslaughter of his teenage friend who was knifed while trying on a stab-proof vest.

As befits my generous nature, I would like to offer a minor correction to the British news journal.  The man’s teenage friend was trying on what he thought to be a stab-proof vest.  As evidence shows that the blade passed through the vest, it was not, in fact, stab-proof.  Secondly, it was not idiot-proof.  Case in point, I have my doubts about the intelligence of anyone over the age of 30 who believes the idea presented to them by a teenager, and involving sharp objects no less, to be a good one.

I have to imagine that the guilt in a case like this is only made more unbearable by the aforementioned age difference.  Think about it.  You’re 31 years old.  An 18 year old kid asks you to stab them to try out their new vest.  You do it.  Then you take your medication and go back to the corner to solve the intricacies of letter blocks while eating paste and rocking back and forth repeating the mantra “Hope I dun get in twubble, derp”, because you’re obviously a grade A fucking moron.

I’m going to assume that since Christopher is not currently available to accept his Darwin award, that his friend will find a place for it on his mantle until they meet again following the latter’s eventual, deadly encounter with a knife-proof toaster.

- Wells