So my Guild Wars character hit 6 years old tonight, or whenever, I haven’t logged in with any regularity for some time as I wait for the painfully awesome looking Guild Wars 2 to suck the teet of my free time like a hungry mutant baby with seven mouths, exactly seven. Every year they give us a miniature ‘pet’ on your character’s birthday. Which is kind of cool, I guess, it’s one of those useless aesthetic trinkets given out, mostly I think to appease the fanboys… and I fucking need them okay? I need the little bastards because they added this update that basically transfers items and titles to you in Guild Wars 2. You get ‘points’ from doing various things in the game, and over the course of six years, bear in mind this is not from six years of CONSECUTIVE play. I have taken a few rather long breaks. I’m at forty-six of fifty points. Fifty is the maximum. I don’t know if you can ‘beat’ a game like Guild Wars per say, just because you hit fifty points doesn’t mean you’re done playing.
For me it fucking does.
I have played this game to the point where it feels almost like a chore now. Maybe it’s my fault for being OCD about completing the titles. Maybe it’s my fault for being unable to live with a unfilled meter just begging to be maxed out, but you know what? I could have lived with it if my relentless title grinding could just end. I know, I know I don’t have to grind for titles. Okay? I know, but I’m sick. I’m compelled to finish after coming so far, and god help me I can’t seem to stop till I’m at fifty points. I need eight more mini pets, which means either playing the waiting game or simply buying them from players. This may seem like a simple task, but in game like Guild Wars with no market system in place, that means standing around in town listlessly staring at pink colored text, okay ‘salmon’ colored text, scroll by while you desperately wait for someone to pick you out of the textual clusterfuck and finally release you from the tedious hell that you are trapped in.
For the sixth year characters the wizards at Arena Net decided to give us not minis, but everlasting tonics that transform you (as many times as you want, oh boy!) into a random hero/npc from the game. Which is great because you can turn forever into a lame ass hero character instead of playing as your cool-looking stylized character. Why play as Serra Demer, slayer of everything in the game, literally, when I can play as a wacky hero sidekick like Acolyte Sosuke or, in my case, a bald man in a dress Kahmu? A useless ass dervish hero that honestly I could never imagine using in a party for any reason. Ever. Seriously, I play a game for six years, bust my ass for stupid titles and get rewarded with a tonic that turns me into a cross-dressing bald retard with all the personality of a block of balsa wood.
“Oh Boy! You can look like me whenever you want now! Happy Birthday motherfucker! Ahahaha”
I swear to whatever gods will listen, if I could I would get a bottle, slap a label on it that said ‘6th Year Birthday Tonic’ and put a big fat turd in it then mail it to the Arena Net corporate offices to express my fanboy angst in it’s starkest terms.