Tag Archives: Guild Wars

A Prize 6 Years in the Making

14 May 2011

So my Guild Wars character hit 6 years old tonight, or whenever, I haven’t logged in with any regularity for some time as I wait for the painfully awesome looking Guild Wars 2 to suck the teet of my free time like a hungry mutant baby with seven mouths, exactly seven.  Every year they give us a miniature ‘pet’ on your character’s birthday.  Which is kind of cool, I guess, it’s one of those useless aesthetic trinkets given out, mostly I think to appease the fanboys… and I fucking need them okay?  I need the little bastards because they added this update that basically transfers items and titles to you in Guild Wars 2.   You get ‘points’ from doing various things in the game, and over the course of six years, bear in mind this is not from six years of CONSECUTIVE play. I have taken a few rather long breaks.  I’m at forty-six of fifty points.  Fifty is the maximum.  I don’t know if you can ‘beat’ a game like Guild Wars per say, just because you hit fifty points doesn’t mean you’re done playing.

For me it fucking does.

I have played this game to the point where it feels almost like a chore now.  Maybe it’s my fault for being OCD about completing the titles.  Maybe it’s my fault for being unable to live with a unfilled meter just begging to be maxed out, but you know what?  I could have lived with it if my relentless title grinding could just end.  I know, I know I don’t have to grind for titles.  Okay?  I know, but I’m sick.  I’m compelled to finish after coming so far, and god help me I can’t seem to stop till I’m at fifty points.  I need eight more mini pets, which means either playing the waiting game or simply buying them from players.  This may seem like a simple task, but in game like Guild Wars with no market system in place, that means standing around in town listlessly staring at pink colored text, okay ‘salmon’ colored text, scroll by while you desperately wait for someone to pick you out of the textual clusterfuck and  finally release you from the tedious hell that you are trapped in.

For the sixth year characters the wizards at Arena Net decided to give us not minis, but everlasting tonics that transform you (as many times as you want, oh boy!) into a random hero/npc from the game.  Which is great because you can turn forever into a lame ass hero character instead of playing as your cool-looking stylized character.  Why play as Serra Demer, slayer of everything in the game, literally, when I can play as a wacky hero sidekick like Acolyte Sosuke or, in my case, a bald man in a dress Kahmu?  A useless ass dervish hero that honestly I could never imagine using in a party for any reason. Ever.  Seriously, I play a game for six years, bust my ass for stupid titles and get rewarded with a tonic that turns me into a cross-dressing bald retard with all the personality of a block of balsa wood.

“Oh Boy!  You can look like me whenever you want now! Happy Birthday motherfucker!  Ahahaha”

I swear to whatever gods will listen, if I could I would get a bottle, slap a label on it that said ‘6th Year Birthday Tonic’ and put a big fat turd in it then mail it to the Arena Net corporate offices to express my fanboy angst in it’s starkest terms.

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The Joy of Statistics, Logistics and … Platypi

13 Mar 2009

This site, well, doesn’t get many comments.   Page views seem fairly high though, and I suppose that tells me that at least someone is reading this nonsense, and that’s really good enough for me.   As Huxley states every now and then in the rotating quotes on the right, obscurity can only be cultivated in the dark.   Or at least something to that effect.

When I first created this site, it was much like… say, a rebound relationship.   My last website broke my heart, cut me to the bone, and made me want to pick up an acoustic guitar and write the world’s billionth love song.   So this was the first thing I made.   At first I wanted to name it Platitudes.com, for the precise reason that, unless I’m being extremely lazy in my writing, I sort of go out of my way to avoid platitudes.   You could even say that it was intended to be ironic which would have been sure to tickle the funny bones of any Gen-Xer that happened to be reading this.   As a side note to that, I  once cracked wise that the best way to get money out of those idiots is to just call things what they are, they seem to think saying something is what it is in a really droll voice makes it cutting and clever.  Ironic.  My brilliant idea was to make Gen-X clothing.   Hats that said, in small text ‘hat.’   Shoes that were in fact labeled ‘Shoe Brand Shoes.’   Expensive t-shirts that said ‘T-Shirt.’   You get the idea.  Of course, I couldn’t get the website name I wanted which sort of irritated me, so I got the Warden on Ventrilo along with another friend of mine in an attempt to coax a new name out of them since my first choice was taken.

Being the super useful Co-Admin he is the Warden cracked wise that Platitudes sounded a lot like, Platypuses.  You know, the ugly poisonous duckbeasts from that wasteland of humanity known as Australia, where everything is poisonous and will kill your ass.  Especially the music, Jet sucks.  So, the suggestion was to name the site, I shit you not… PlatitudePlatypus.com.   While not only is this a stupid suggestion, against my better judgment I said, ‘dude, who would think of something like that?’   Little did I realize that this is the damn internet.  It’s not a matter of who would think of something like that, it’s a matter of when. So I did a google search for ‘platitude.’  This lead me to an article on uncyclopedia.  What’s that you see in the right hand corner upon viewing the page?   A FUCKING PLATYPUS SPEAKING PLATITUDES!

Sometimes, I swear that god only decides to exist to mock me.

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Of Guild Wars, Platitudes, and the American Ninja

09 Mar 2009

Platitudes.   Everyone speaks them, few understand how utterly obnoxious they can be.   Rewind to a few months ago, I was on my ventrilo server (as in my, I own it) with my guild mates from Guild Wars.   Allow me to sort of explain that, the Guild Wars thing I mean.   You see, I purchased Guild Wars a long time ago, actually about four years ago when it first came out for the PC.  I was looking for an RPG to play online with my friends that wasn’t an MMO.   Since Guild Wars is a co-operative role playing game and not a persistent world MMO, I thought I would enjoy it.   Little did I know the horrors that awaited me.   Little did I know…

Let me plant a visual in your head to sort of describe the game play experience I’ve had while playing Guild Wars.    You see, Guild Wars allows you to play solo, by bringing AI henchmen.    You can’t solo a god damn thing unless you’re farming or vastly experienced, and the first expansion was so bug ridden you had to do some missions five times in a row in order to enchant each piece of your equipment, leading to annoyance and mostly rage.   The first six months I sort of struggled through Guild Wars was kind of like fighting that crazy asshole Mike Tyson in an electrified cage when he’s got boxing gloves that are actually spiked gauntlets and I’m armed only with a really soft pillow and armor made out of novelty plastic ears.   I chose a Warrior, because I always enjoy getting the Melee classes to do neat little tricks.   I decided to make my secondary class Elementalist.    So I’d be basically a Spellsword.   If you’ve played guild wars you know where this is going,  if you haven’t let me tell you something about that combination of classes… it only works in specialized circumstances, or when you know what the fuck you are doing.   Thankfully, I didn’t.   So I gleefully wandered around getting killed, the sheer variety of places I manged to get myself killed was really the only adventure I got to experience in my brave journey though Tyria.    Dead in a marsh.   Dead in a desert.   Dead in a magical flying castle.   Dead in a river.   Dead on a mountain summit.   Dead in river of molten lava, giving a dramatic thumbs up much like The Terminator.    Dead in a pristine field surrounded by bunnies, piggies and magical rainbows that reflect the innocence of a child’s dream playfully in the sky.     Dead along with my worthless, inept, AI controlled companions.

The face of uselessness.

If you decide to go on a magical quest to save the world armed only with good intentions and a heart for adventure and these are the faces you see when you go to town to assemble a party, for your safety and sanity’s sake, just turn around and go home.   Trust me.

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Random Quote

We’re the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our great war is a spiritual war. Our great depression is our lives.

— Tyler Durden, Fight Club