Friends are awesome. It doesn’t matter what they look like, where they live, or what they do for a living; the important thing is that they stimulate you to try your hand at previously undiscovered territory in your hobbies and/or talents, for example writing mean-spirited rants about their common sense deprived non-mutual acquaintances. Today’s subject: Ridiculous footwear and the people that love it.
Now I was introduced to the following link, which I knew was going to be gold the moment I was asked “Ok, how gay is this?”, by one such friend. I prepared with a strange mix of glee and trepidation for the sparkling trove yet to be unveiled when Firefox finally decided to load. I was not disappointed. Feast your eyes on the Vibram brand Fivefingers KSO for men:
Yes, those are real shoes designed, presumably, by real people and not crazed hippy gorillas injecting drano straight into their corneas for a buzz, but it’s not like anyone would blame you for making the mistake. They give the appearance of being rather uncomfortable, they’re stupidly overpriced, and the name KSO stands for “KEEPS STUFF OUT”. Brilliant! (not really) The most important thing, however, is that they look fucking retarded and I would be embarrassed to be seen in them, especially if the people around me knew they carried a price tag of $85.
Sometime last year, I signed up for a Facebook account to flame someone.. I don’t remember who. See, you have to sign up to be able to see jack shit (and there’s plenty of it to be seen), but once I’d registered, I realized that the tip was rather off and there was nothing worthy of my time nor genius to be ripped to shreds. After a few weeks I realized that at the very least, Facebook could be useful for keeping in touch with family and old high school friends. So essentially, well, it’s not very useful at all. Signing up under your real name and allowing people to find you who you obviously didn’t contact until now for good reason, is akin to giving a class full of angry retards two mallets each and putting a “WHACK ME” sign on your exposed and vulnerable nutsac. In my case, precious few of these people have actually become valuable members of society, and they like the dumbest shit possible. One chick on there updated her status every goddamn hour with something about how awesome Twilight is and how she wants to read every drooling spasticated fucking word from Stephenie Meyer’s magic fingers, and she did this in ALL CAPS. Seriously, she’s in her 30′s now.
It didn’t end there, and certainly not with her. There seems to be a growing trend on Facebook: essentially becoming “fans” of things. Now one would typically draw the conclusion that like Myspace, they would be publicly announcing their devotion to some stupid band or comedian, that is, if one were a sane, rational human being who didn’t think the internet could get any more pathetic. People are becoming “fans” of everything – doesn’t matter what, as long as they enjoy it. Air. Sleeping. Hugging. Having babies. The sun. Summer.
This is the kind of fucking bullshit that makes me want to viciously murder the majority of the world’s population. Holy Mary motherfucking fuck, how can you just mindlessly become a fan of such mundane crap. Does it need to be announced that you like to eat? Maybe you need to tell the world that you have a passion for WALKING. Hopefully you didn’t miss anything either, because imagine the horror at the office party when you remember that in a brief moment of actually not being a total fuckhead, you neglected to follow suit and list yourself as a fan of DIGESTING YOUR FOOD.
You’re dead to your co-workers now.
And I never seem to see anything better than these stupid little obvious fan pages. Once in a while there will be some totally off the wall shit like “Not being on Fire” (which I am actually a fan of).
Why? Because Facebook is chock full of religious nuts, teenage girls, rednecks, and bored housewives who want to stay connected with grandma. I’m an exception. I now log into Facebook to see if I can’t annoy people I stupidly added thinking this was going to be enjoyable, into de-friending me. I seriously don’t think anyone’s paying attention. I post links to strange or disturbing videos, anti-PC material, etc.. you know, anything that cool people like.
I’m a fan of cool people! And fans of cool people!
Facebook is so fucking stupid. How do I get into these things?
But sometimes, and by sometimes I mean most of the time, we overestimate our cognitive capabilities and end up bruised and broken (hence, the Darwin awards). The following are a few of the things that should be properly labeled so we don’t hurt our stupid selves quite so much:
1.) Likable People: This is a no-brainer, specifically in reference to romantic attraction, or as some of you would refer to it, “getting a lil’ sumthin’ sumthin’”; clear labels should be applied to all people who are above a certain level of likability so if you know yourself to be an emotional suction cup, they will provide a stark reminder of how you’re just risking another potentially devastating relationship failure that will tear you up inside for possibly many years and make you question everything about yourself in a fruitless effort to find out exactly what it is that people find so repulsive about you that they don’t want to include you in their future.
The labels would be color-coded according to base likability, like so -
Grey: People in the grey range are not very likable. These are the kinds of people who tell you spreadsheet jokes at the office followed by their own hollow laughter, and own at least 3 coffee mugs with Star Trek characters on them. In actuality, there may as well not even be a label for these harmless amoebae, but in the event one is accidentally killed in a freak printer accident, the officers on duty will be able to take one look at their color, quickly file them under “No big loss” and get back to investigating serious matters.
Yellow: A step up from grey, yellow people can be likable under certain circumstances, but are otherwise intolerable. If they stick to their area of expertise then they provoke little irritation from peers, but if they step out of bounds, they must be reminded that simply because they’re yellow does not mean they’re intelligent or good at ping pong. You could take a yellow label to the prom just so you have someone to go with, but pay them 10 dollars in advance not to speak.
Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable. — Bruce Lee
