In my last article I mentioned a very near and very dear old high school friend of mine. Sam the American Ninja. Somehow, if you could combine the utter awesomeness of all the American Ninja movies (somehow the count got to four, which goes to show artists who cannot get their scripts accepted must really suck), and sort of mashed it into the corporeal form of one human being, you would end up with a walking avatar of 1980’s film making wizardry. What you probably wouldn’t end up with is Sam, because nothing about Sam was cool… even in a cheesy 80s action flick way. What I mean is this… the American Ninja films are a million times less painful to you in the long run than a ten-minute conversation with this man was. Let me give you Sam’s back story according to him, and before you ask… yes this is based on actual things he told me. Sometimes truth is stranger than fiction, well at least if that truth is in fact, fiction itself.
* * *
On a dark and stormy night an American Solider, stationed in Japan was killed by a clan of evil Ninjas. His widow, fearful for her life knew that she had to protect her son, so she gave up her child and left him at a stranger’s doorstep and disappeared into the night. The child was raised by the kind stranger… a wise old man who actually turned out with his dog ‘Interceptor’ to be … Ninja Master Shadow. One day young Sam caught his master training in a forest clearing while he was fetching water from the well. Shadow was standing there and all around him pots were dangling from ropes in the trees. Then suddenly, there was a great rush of wind and all the pots exploded! But, and this must be stressed while I say this, in order to get the full effect you have to imagine someone whispering this to you, Shadow never moved. Also, this was totally not ripped off of those god awful Three Ninjas movies about the 2 skinny kids and 1 fat kid who defeated entire clans of ninjas with corny jokes and nerf guns. Then, Shadow turned to Sam.
“Sam, today is the day that you must decide if you wish to learn the ways of the Ninja, for you have seen me practicing and now you know the truth and cannot stay if you do not take a vow of secrecy and swear under the ninja code that you will not reveal this truth to any outsiders. Wahtaaaaaaaaaaa!”
“You told me that Ninjas killed my family! How can I trust you now you stupid old man! I will get my revenge and avenge my family by getting revenge and defeating you thereby getting vengeance! Eat my American fists of justice!”