Tag Archives: mace

The Occupy Movement’s Goal – The Largest National Mace Demo Ever

27 Apr 2014

Remember back a couple of years ago when thousands of people decided to march on Wall Street and protest … something?  Well unsurprisingly the actual demand or point of the protest itself is still up in the air.  It wasn’t just Wall Street, even our fair city of Orlando had an occupy movement as well.  Which, sort of ambled about in a couple of local parks near the Bank of America building downtown.  All that seemed to do was draw the ire of local law enforcement and virtually no major reaction from the community.  The real party it seemed was over in places like NYC and Berkley where it degenerated quite rapidly into a virtual smorgasbord of police violence.  I mean you had so many options to choose from, getting punched, beaten with knight sticks, and my personal favorite mace to the face.  For any reason really.  Even sitting still, fuck you have some mace.  Predictably one of the most famous cases of which, by the way, led to the charges against the police officer being dropped even though there’s video evidence of him just walking along macing everyone in his path with little to no rhyme or reason.

The Orlando Occupy movement, after the national tolerance for the whole affair seemed to wane on it’s facebook page degenerated into the typical collage-hipster dabbling into the whimsical world of communism.  Going so far as to quote people like Mao and Stalin, who were, as we all know, paragons of morality and righteousness.  Both, having a collective body count that actually beats Hitler’s best estimates almost ten times over.  When I think of men to inspire me to greatness, lord knows that’s my first choice every time.  Don’t get me wrong though, I don’t think that the occupy movement was a bunch of collage communists who got what they deserved.  The problem was trying to start a non-movement movement to begin with.  The issue with Occupy Wall Street was that it’s greatest strength in the opinion of the people involved was also it’s greatest weakness.  You can’t expect people to rally behind a cause when you advertise the real reason for your cause as some vague and esoteric mystery that you are either clued into or are not.  As hinted in the movement’s ‘official’ poster:

What in the fuck.

Try and explain how this poster makes sense, is inspirational, or in any way helps define a major social movement.  Go ahead, I dare you.

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Retarded Inventors

07 May 2010

Sometimes a combo product can be useful, like, say the swiss army knife.  Other times, combining two things together can only lead to great accident potential.  Factor in the chance that stupid people are going to buy said products and pretty soon you’re bound to get someone fucking hurt.

With that being said the device I’m talking about it very unassuming in it’s retarded design.  It’s a combination flashlight/mace can.

Well how can that be stupid you ask?

Simple, when say, your mother hands you hers and asks you to look in her house under the couches for something she dropped when you’re over and hands you a flashlight.  You think to yourself, hmm, well I don’t see anything with this flashlight.  Guess I’ll just turn it off!  That doesn’t sound so dangerous right?  Well how about when your mother fails to mention that the bottom half of the flashlight is actually a can of fucking MACE and that button isn’t the off switch but rather the mace dispenser?  Yeah, I got maced today.

It was super pleasant, see, I had the hole where it comes out of angled just right so that when I pressed it…. it shot right up my fucking nose.  Now, I’ve never been maced before so I didn’t know how much it truly sucked.  It felt like someone had taken concentrated habenro extract and poured it right inside my sinus cavities.  The burning was so intense that I felt like a black man at a Klan rally in the 30s.  Seriously, it burned so bad and the best part was I inhaled some of it into my lungs causing me to go into a fitful coughing spree all the while sneezing constantly from the delicious peppery goodness burning inside my nose like I just snorted the contents of an active volcano.

I don’t know who designed this damn flashlight, but they must have hated humanity.  I’ve seen other combo/mace flashlights but most of them didn’t think to make it so integrated you couldn’t tell the difference.  What good would those two be anyway?  Oh gee the power’s out, let me get the flashlight and turn it — AHHHH MY FUCKING EYES!!!! Crash bang boom, assorted household objects and personal injuries sustained.   Just brilliant.

… and my nose still burns.

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If something comes to life in others because of you, then you have made an approach to immortality.

— Norman Cousins, Anatomy of an Illness (1979)