Of all the things on the interbutts that I’ve ever encountered in my years, I find that there’s one particular fandom that stands out. Sure there’s otaku, cosplayers, furries, and role-players who all bring their own unique form of drama and cult like fervor for the target of their obsessions; however, it’s rare to find a fan base that combines so many to create a Frankensteinian horror to lurch it’s way through the internet like one of the great old ones breaking the bindings that hold them deep in the heart of the city of R’lyeh. A twisted amalgamation of sheer awkward stupidity that would put even the most ridiculous AOL roleplay profile to shame. I of course speak of that dreaded dreamless cult that sleeps deep in the bowels of the net. The cult of… and forgive me dear reader for some mild trepidation in calling for it’s name for fear they may be listening… Sonic the Hedgehog.
You heard me, Sonic the fucking Hedgehog. You see, the Sonic games themselves took a bizarre design turn somewhere between Sonic 3 and Sonic Heroes for the Dreamcast creating a huge number of furry-tastic side characters! For those of you who never grew up in the 90s or ever owned a Sega console, allow me to fill you in before we continue, Sonic was Sega’s answer to Nintendo’s Mario. Basically he was their mascot character, and from a gameplay perspective they were nothing alike. Mario games tend to be more focused on exploration, platforming, and occasional puzzle solving. Whereas Sonic games involved you basically trying to control a blue spinning ball as it rockets around like a small child that has been given a coffee enema. The levels were on rails and you’d just watch as your little blue ball rolled it’s way to the finish line. Exciting!
For some reason… reasons I have yet to determine the source of, Sonic has become extremely popular with furries. I found several pages that go on for extreme lengths about the history of the Sonic Fandom and how it’s apparently like the snake eating it’s tail or something like that, and aside from boring me to tears it never seemed to get into the part where it turned into the AOL Roleplay of this generation. Something needs to be done to stem the tide. Don’t believe me? Do me a favor. Navigate your way to Google/Bing and type your first name followed by ‘The Hedgehog.’ Go on, I’ll wait.
Oh, you’re back! Now you see exactly what I’m talking about. The furry community has latched on to this video game mascot with a bizarre fervor that I have yet to fully understand. All I know is that somewhere in the world someone is possibly erotic roleplaying with my name as a furry Sonic the Hedgehog ripoff character, and this disturbs me to the core. That ever elusive ‘why,’ chasing it has led me down a trail of fail that would put even the worst ex-Flame Town poster to shame. There are hundreds of characters, who their creators all claim are original, which are basically re-colors of Sonic the Hedgehog. Many of them are his ‘children’ or lovers, in some cases both. There’s immortal Hedgehogs, evil Hedgehogs, vampire Hedgehogs, and of course sexy erotic roleplay hedgehogs. Well, actually, sometimes you don’t need to be a hedgehog, they just seem to make up different combinations. Bunny hedgehogs, dog hedgehogs, walrus hedgehogs, the possibilities are endless!