Over the course of my life I’m made a few mistakes, who hasn’t? The particulars aren’t terribly exciting, and frankly bore me to explain them. Think the typical boy-meets-girl realizes girl is fucking insane and leaves girl (or gets left by said girl) fare. Afterward you kinda feel like the world is over if you’re the one on the other end. It reminds me of a line from a video game, Max Payne. ‘There are only personal apocalypses, and nothing is a cliche when it’s happening to you.’ Oh how true those words are. In all truth, in all these cases it’s my own fault for simply not seeing it coming.
Recently actually the ball started rolling early for once. In other words, I saw the breakup coming like a freight train.
Jeen-o been-o wrote something on her personal blog over on Open Diary (oh how I thought I’d never go back to that place again) speculating about why relationships fail, I then posted the subsequent reply:
“I think in relationships, especially long ones, people tend to believe that they love someone when in fact they only love certain aspects of their personality and so in a very passive-aggressive way try to bend them towards their will. Which leads to friction, which leads to arguing, which if not confronted leads to either a kind of bitter acceptance or total failure of said relationship. Of course that’s just my particular experience on the subject, it also may have something to do with some people being inherently cowardly or unwilling to assert their own will and so succumbs to a sort of domination by the other party.”
I have moments, between my weirdness and internal chatter where thoughts like that just bubble up out of nowhere and hit me like a truck. These moments only seem to come for me when I’m extremely tired. For years I used to intentionally stay up late hoping to be able to calm my defective ADD brain to the point where I could actually produce focused thoughts.